During 8 months and 8 days of Fifty Shades
by FSOGFan
Summary: After the crash of Charlie Tango, Ana tries to go on with her live without Christian... while at the same time, she is using all resources available to her in order to find him as she does not believe he is dead. This is what happened during the Eight Months and Eight days that Christian was held captive... born from my original story: Eight months and Eight days of Fifty Shades.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: There have been a lot of readers of Eight months and eight days of Fifty Shades that wanted to know what happened to Ana during the time that Christian was held captive. I wanted to give it a try and write about it, but it will obviously have no fun filled chapters, or not much anyway… so girls, crab those tissues.**

**Important: The story will contain extracts from the original Fifty Shades Trilogy when Ana thinks back to the things Christian said to her.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ana POV:<strong>

It's been hours with no news. No one knows where Christian and Ros are. Charlie Tango just went missing and they can't find them. How the hell can a fucking helicopter just disappear?

I glance around the room at all the sad and worried faces. What will our lives be like if he is found… dead. No! I can't think that! Christian has to be fine… he has to. I simply won't be able to survive this if he's dead. I don't want to survive this if he is not coming back.

I turn my attention back to the blazing fire and try to remember some the things he said to me since I met him.

"_Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I'm not the man for you."_

"_I don't do the girlfriend thing."_

"_I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of guy."_

"_I don't make love. I fuck… hard."_

"_This is all I know."_

This was in the early days. First he wanted to keep me at a distance and then he wanted me as a submissive. My poor broken and damaged Fifty. Will I ever see him again? What if I never see him again? The thought is so painful that I start sobbing huge chest-wrenching sobs. Kate and Mia come to sit on my sides and Grace puts one of the throws around my shoulders. This just makes me cry harder. They are worried about Christian and I'm just making this worse for them.

I try to stop crying, but can't. Everything he ever said to me is running through my mind.

"_Anastasia, you've bewitched me."_

"_You're my lifeline."_

"_I'm now a firm advocate of instant gratification. Carpe diem, Ana."_

Why didn't I seize the day? Why was I holding back? I knew that I would never leave him, that simply wasn't an option for me anymore? So why the fuck didn't I tell him what he wanted to hear more than anything? Why couldn't I make him happy before this happened to him? What if I never get to say yes to him?

"_I'm doing this because I've finally met someone I want to spend the rest of my life with."_

"_I am just the same, Ana. I love you and I need you. Touch me. Please."_

"_This is me, Ana. All of me… and I'm all yours. What do I have to do to make you realize that? To make you see that I want you any way I can get you. That I love you."_

"_I will lay my world at your feet, Anastasia. I want you, body and soul, forever."_

"_I'm nothing, Anastasia. I'm a husk of a man. I don't have a heart."_

I'm now sobbing uncontrollably and Kate is trying to comfort me. As grateful as I am for her right now, I just want Christian. I don't want comfort or sympathy. I want Christian.

I look at my watch… just after midnight.

"Happy Birthday, Christian." I whisper to myself and Mia cries with me. Kate pulls me into her arms.

"Ana, they will find him soon. He will come back to you. I hate seeing you like this." Kate has never had to really comfort me… always the other way around. I don't stop crying. This is a million times worse than when I left Christian. My heart feels as if someone stabbed me right through it with a knife and they just keep turning and turning… not pulling out… just keeps inflicting more pain. Somewhere in my mind I wonder how much pain a heart can take before it just stops.

"I won't survive this, Kate. I won't. Nothing except Christian will take away this pain. It feels as if I can't breathe. I don't want to live without him."

"Ana, no news is good news at this stage. Mr. Grey is constantly on the phone with the Portland police and they will find him. We just have to be patient and stay calm."

Just as I was about to give Ms. Kavanagh a piece of my mind, Carrick comes in as pale as a ghost with Taylor right behind him.

"Gary, what is it?" Grace is now in full panic mode and my breathing stops. We all stand up in anticipation of news… finally!

"They found the helicopter. It crashed. They found… they found Ros. There is no sign of Christian. It's too dark… the search has been called off and the area blocked off for further investigation." His voice is void of any emotion. Everything after that is slow motion.

Grace falls to her knees at Carrick's feet, sobbing uncontrollably. Carrick just stand there, unable to move. Gail runs into Taylor's arms… sobbing. Mia turns to Ethan who tries in vain to comfort her. Kate goes to comfort Elliot.

And I try desperately… and all alone… to get my lungs to take in a breath.

No! No! This can't be happening. This cannot be fucking happening!

"Oh God, please… NO. Not Christian. Not now. We still had so much to learn about each other. He can't be only a memory to me. I want him… I need him… he cannot leave me. He cannot leave me. I should have given him my answer." I say to no one in particular as I fall to my knees. I see Taylor running towards me. "Oh my God, Taylor, catch her!" It was the last thing I heard before my whole word came crashing down and everything was dark.

I feel myself coming back and all I want to do is stay here. It doesn't hurt so much in the dark. I like the dark. I don't want to go back… not without Christian.

"She will be fine, Kate. Her brain needs to process all this and it's her body's way to protect itself. You weren't here to see it, but we have never seen two people more in love than Ana and Christian. This is very difficult for her. They are two halves of a whole and I'm not sure if the one can function without the other." Grace explains to Kate and I continue to struggle to stay in the darkness.

"Dr. Grey, maybe you should give her something to knock her out for a couple of hours. With any luck, they will find Christian before she wakes up again." Yes, that will be perfect. Thank you, Kate. I want to stay here.

"No! Ana wouldn't want to be knocked out. She would want to be awake when the news comes and especially if Mr. Grey walks through those doors. We won't give up hope and Ana won't either. Please. Don't give her any medication unless she agrees to it. She is my responsibility and she deserves to have a say before anything is administered to her." O fuck, there is Taylor… my voice of reason and I decide that it's time to leave the darkness. I prepare myself not to cry and open my eyes. I'm in our bedroom… in the middle of the bed. I turn to Christian's side and I breathe in my favourite scent… big mistake. The pain returns at full force and I feel my heart tightening again, until it becomes unbearable and I start sobbing again. I grab Christian's pillow and starts to sob uncontrollably into it.

There is a hand on my shoulder and I just lose it.

"OUT! All of you out!" I jump from the bed to face a shocked Grace, with her medical bag in her hand, Kate, Mia and Taylor with Gail behind them holding a tray with tea. "I don't want tea! I don't want sympathy! I don't want to be comforted or knocked out! I just want Christian!" I fall to my knees with my head in my hands, "I just want Christian! I just want Christian. Please… Taylor… find him."

Grace comes closer and kneels beside me. Tears are falling on my shoulder from her cheeks and then she reaches into her bag. She removes a bottle with clear liquid. Then takes a needle out of its packaging. She's going to put me to sleep. I don't want to go to sleep.

I look at Taylor… bewildered and utterly heartbroken. He gives me a sad look, "Ana, we have to get you to calm down. You will have a breakdown if Dr. Grey doesn't give you the medicine."

Before I can answer, I feel the prick of the needle in my arm. I turn my gaze to the needle and watch helplessly as the liquid is pushed into my system. I then turn back to the rest of them. Kate is holding Mia back. Does Mia want to come and help me? Gail is standing with the tray in one hand and her other hand over her mouth… tears flowing over her usually composed face. Then to Taylor who looks like he is in severe pain.

"Find him Taylor… please… find Christian." And that was the last thing I remember before I go back into the darkness that would become my friend if Christian is not found or… found dead.

_18 June, 2011._

I wake up and my head hurts like hell. The sun is shining brightly into the room and as I turn to the alarm, it is after eleven already. What catches my attention however, is the glass of orange juice and the two tablets next to it. Christian! Christian's back!

I quickly swallow the pills and jump out of bed but immediately stop… that was a bad idea. I clutch my head in my hands and wait for the pain to stop before I run out of the room. I run straight to the kitchen, but apart from Gail, no one else is in there. Before she can say anything, I turn on my heels and run towards Christian's office… not there either. I grab the phone on the desk and phone his number.

"Grey, leave a message." God, I miss that voice.

I slam the phone back down and run to Taylor's office. He's probably in there briefing them on the crash. I throw the door open and Taylor immediately jumps up. I look around the room… confused… and a creepy feeling is starting to take hold of my body.

"Ana, what is it?" He walks up to me and puts his hands on my shoulders.

"Christian, where is he?" He looks into my eyes for what feels like forever.

"Ana, they have not found him yet. I'm trying to get access to the crash site and surrounding area, but the Portland Police Department is refusing to let our security team anywhere near there." My heart starts to feel tight again as I stare into his concerned face. I'm trying to make sense of this… in vain.

"The juice… and pills…" It had to be him. He did that for me... didn't he?

"It was me, Ana. I thought you might have a headache when you wake up with everything that happened last night."

And that's it; the tightening of my heart turns to a crushing pain. No human body would survive this amount of pain on a continuous basis, of that I'm sure. My breathing increases as the crushing pain becomes unbearable. I'm trying to take deep breaths, but it hurts too much. I look up to Taylor and his face is filled with concern and helplessness.

"I thought… They haven't found him?" He shakes his head and keeps his cautious eyes fixed on mine. "When have you spoken to the Detectives last?"

"Just before you came in."

"I see." I start to sound like him and it would be funny if I was not in so much pain.

"Ana, can I get you something? You look very pale and you will need to eat something." He is starting to sound like him too. Is this what my life will be like if they don't find him? Me constantly hearing Christian in everything anyone says? Can I cope with the memory of him? Just the memory… Never feeling his touch again… Never arguing with him again… Never making love with him again…

No! Please, please, please. I'm struggling to breathe. My heart feels as if is being crushed and at the same time it's beating at a thousand beats per minute. How will I learn to deal with this all consuming pain if he's not coming back?

Taylor picks me up bridal style and I grab onto the front of his shirt… sobbing into his shoulder. We walk wordlessly to the bedroom where he puts me down gently.

"I'm going to ask Gail to prepare something for you to eat. Do you think you would be able to get some soup down?" I nod and although he closes the door a bit, he doesn't close it all the way. I try my best to listen at what he says to Gail… anything to keep my thoughts off my current situation.

"Jason, what is going on? Ana looked better when she came in here earlier?" Gail's voice is laced with concern.

"She thought Mr. Grey was home… she was looking for him." I hear her loud gasp and that just makes my cry more.

"Oh Jason, I hope for her sake, and for his, that he is found soon. He will certainly go crazy not being near her for too long. The poor girl, how will she survive this and still remain herself?"

"I know Gail. Please can you prepare some soup for Ana? She needs to eat to keep her strength up."

"Of course. Are you going back to your office?"

"Yes, Barney and Welch will be here soon. We are trying to see if we can do anything to help from here since we aren't allowed to go near the crash site until the investigation is completed." He sounds as helpless as I feel.

I turn around and see Christian's pillow on the middle of his side of the bed where I left it last night. I grab it and let go of the tears that wants to break free. If they don't find him… or if he is dead… this will be my life. Dark and empty. My light is missing and they can't find him.

After a long time, the tears starts to dry up and I lie in a foetal position. There is a bowl of soup on the nightstand… Gail must have put it there and decided that it's best if they leave me alone. I have to get up and take a shower. I think back to the shower we took last weekend at the Fairmont.

"_You love me," I whispered. "Yes, I do"_

"_Let me love you," he said after I dried him as we got out of the shower_.

"_Do you have any idea how happy you make me feel?" He asked me as we waited for the car to be pulled up front._

"_You're the first girl in here, apart from my family," He said to me in the master cabin of the Grace._

"_Yes, yours. Always." He said to me after he put the life jacket on me._

Our always cannot be over yet! We didn't even get five minutes of always.

The pain is just too much! They have to find him.

I get up to take a shower, tears still rolling freely down my face. The water is cascading down my worn out body, but where it used to always relax me, it does nothing. My heartache is too much for anything to make me feel better. The shower feels too big… it was built for both of us! I fall to the floor, warm water running over me, heartbroken, helpless… and alone… all alone… and I just cry.

When the water starts running cold, I decide that it's time to get out. We have made love in this shower so many times and the water has never started to run cold, so I must have been in here for a really long time.

I get out and wrap myself in a towel and as I turn to walk out the bathroom, I hear him.

"_Dry your hair, Anastasia. I don't want you to get sick." _

I take the small towel and drop to the floor. I cry softly as I dry my hair… amazed that I still have any tears left to cry.

Looking into the mirror, I don't like what I see. I have circles under my eyes, hair towel dried and left like that, sweatpants and one of Christian's t-shirts with bare feet. As much as the picture bothers me, I don't have the strength to change or do something with my hair. This will have to do.

I walk to the nightstand and see that the soup is gone. I'm now forced to leave my private sanctuary. I open the door and quietly walk down the hall, but stop when I hear voices.

"No news Mr. Grey. We have tried every avenue to gain access to the crash site, but nothing seems to work. The Portland Police won't let anyone near the crash site until the investigation is complete. They have search dogs searching the area since six this morning and still haven't found anything." He stops and takes a deep breath, "I'm sorry I don't have better news, Sir."

"That's fine, Taylor. Please keep me informed."

"Will do, Sir."

"How is Ana?" He is concerned about me? It would be heart warming… if my heart wasn't broken.

"Not good. She hasn't eaten anything. This morning she was looking for Christian in the apartment and was devastated when I told her he's still missing. Gail took her some soup, but went to get it, untouched, about an hour ago. I'm not sure she will survive it if Mr. Grey is…" Dead, say it Taylor… dead! But he can't be. I would feel it if he is no longer breathing.

I walk into the great room and all eyes are on me. Mia rushes over to me and pulls me into her arms. My head hurts and I've cried for the last couple of hours, but I return the hug and wait patiently until she pulls away.

I leave her to walk over to Taylor. He's worried gaze is on me until I stand right in front of him with pleading eyes. He shakes his head slightly, immediately understanding what I'm asking, even though I already know the answer. He pulls me into a hug as well and this time, I grab onto him and hold on for dear life. He is the only one, apart from Gail, that knows. They know how much we mean to each other and they know how hard this is for me.

"I'm here for you, Ana. Gail and I will both be there for you whenever you need us." Taylor whispers into my ear and it's the first thing in the last twenty four hours that has actually made me feel better. I nod and pull away. As I turn around, I'm faced with the whole family, all watching me with concern and sympathy. Grace and Mia have tear stains on their cheeks, but even they look at me with concern and sympathy.

Concern and sympathy… it will be the only thing that I see when I look into other people's eyes… and I hate that thought.

Accept it or flee…

I chose to flee.

I enter the kitchen and Gail wraps me into her loving embrace immediately. I look up into her eyes and see compassion and love… much better.

"Can I please get something to eat… and some tea?" She releases me immediately.

"Of course. Alfredo?"

"No, just a sandwich please." She looks at me with understanding and turns to the fridge.

"Cheese?"

"Yes, please."

I brace myself and walk into the great room to face the family. Everyone is quietly watching my every move and I feel extremely self conscious at the moment. I take a seat on the couch closest to the fireplace and take the throw at the back of the couch and wrap it tightly around me.

I stare into the fire for a couple of minutes and then turn to face everyone.

"I'm fine." There is no conviction in my voice and Kate raises her eyebrow sceptically. "Okay! I'm not fine. Only Christian… safely home, will make me fine."

Grace takes the small bottle of pills next to her and comes to sit next to me.

"Ana, I brought you some sleeping pills. There is only seven in and I we will look at the situation when they're finished to determine a way forward." She thinks he's dead! If I will need more after seven days… she thinks he's not coming back. I take the pills quietly and stare into her sad eyes.

"He's not dead," I whisper and a single tear runs down her face, but she says nothing. He's not dead, I have to believe that.

Gail comes in with a tray containing my sandwich and tea and I take it with a grateful smile, which she returns effortlessly.

Kate decides to lighten the mood by telling us about their time in Barbados… how fucking inappropriate!

I tune out the voices around me and just stare into the fire while I eat my sandwich. I can feel someone staring into the back of my head and after I finished my sandwich and tea, I turn to look into Mia's broken face. She gives me a weak smile that doesn't reach her eyes and I will have to get used to that too I guess… people smiling at me when they don't really feel like it… with sad eyes.

I return her weak smile and turn back to stare at the fire. I remember when we danced in front of the fire before going to the Coping Together gala and silent tears starts to flow again. This is just too much. I get up to take the tray with me after I put the pills in the tray as well. In the kitchen, I hand the tray to Gail and take the pills. I walk over to the cupboard for a glass and then to the fridge to fill it with water. The pills are so small. Hard to think it will put me to sleep, but what the hell… anything to get rid of the pain. I swallow the pill and put the rest of the pills in the cupboard before turning to go back to the great room. Christian would be pissed if I was rude.

I sit back in my seat and look at everyone talking softly. It's after nine; surely they should go home soon.

Taylor comes into the room and stands awkwardly to look straight into my eyes. No news then.

Carrick and Elliot jump and ask as one, "Any news?"

"Unfortunately not. The PPD is calling it a night as it is too dark again. They will continue the search in the morning." He is still looking at me, waiting for my response.

"How is Ros?" I'm not sure if I should go and visit her.

"She is shaken up, but recovering. She might be released from hospital tomorrow or at the latest Monday. I've given her an update and she asked to see you. I told her that I will let her know when you are available or up to seeing her." I keep my eyes fixed on him as I know there is something he's not telling me.

"And?"

"Ana, the press is all over this. It's not pretty. They have all but declared Mr. Grey… dead. The news reports vary from who will inherit to… when the memorial will be. We will have to release a statement. Ros said she will give a personal statement on Monday… if there is still no news." He still has something to say and I wish he will just spit it out and get this over with.

"Taylor, just say whatever it is."

"The attorney called. He has instructions from Mr. Grey that if something should happen to him, Ros is to take over as acting CEO immediately, but any major decisions are to be approved by you in advance. The instruction was given when he updated his will on Monday. This is of course until the will is read or until Mr. Grey is found." _Holy cow!_ What the fuck was he thinking? I know nothing of running a company. Surely Ros should approve major decisions?

I glance around the room and everyone basically has the exact same expression… shock and disbelieve. I compose myself, suddenly feeling exhausted.

"I see. Anything else?" Please say no.

"No, Ana. That's all." He takes a step into the great room and looks over my exhausted face. "I think that maybe you should go to bed. You look exhausted." The knowing look on his face tells me that Gail probably told him that I took the sleeping pill.

Carrick gets up and gestures to the door. "We should also get going. Ana, please call if you need anything and we will come over. Don't you think we should call your mom to stay here with you? Or maybe you can come stay with us until…" Until what? He walks over to me and I stand up. He again surprises me by pulling me into his arms. "I'm worried about you, Ana. We all are. You really shouldn't be alone. You are family and you need family. Please, come stay with us?" I pull away with silent tears again running over my cheeks.

"I need to be here Carrick. Besides, I'm not alone. I've got Taylor and Gail here with me. I'll be fine." I take his hands in mine. "But thank you very much for the offer. When Christian comes home… I need to be here."

I greet the rest of the family and have to literally tell each one of them that I will be fine. Finally they are ready to leave, but Kate walks back while Elliot holds the elevator door open.

"Ana, do you want me to stay with you?" She has been a good friend for over four years, but I don't want her friendship now… I want Christian.

"No, Kate. Go home. I promise to call if I need you." She gives me one last hug and as the elevator door closes, a dead silence fills the penthouse. I'm exhausted, alone and heartbroken.

I walk into the bedroom and switch off the lights. It's only the faint light of the bright moon shining through the windows. Kind of depressing for someone in my condition, but also calming. I fall onto Christian's side of the bed and crab hold of his pillow.

"Come home to me, baby. Please. We promised never to leave each other. You can't leave me now. Please don't leave me now." The sobs start again and they continue until I drift into the darkness again.

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><p><strong>AN: This was actually harder to write than I initially thought it would be. Please review and let me know if I should continue.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you for reading this story. **

**I know its sad now, but please remember that there is a happy ending and also, her depression is at its worst until the memorial service.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ana POV:<strong>

19 June 2011.

I wake up feeling refreshed and stretch out lazily. The sun is already shining brightly through the window and I turn around to greet Christian. As I turn and see his side of the bed, still perfectly made, it hits me like a truck. He's missing… Christian is still missing.

The pain of his absence is just too much and I start crying all over again. How could I forget… even for a second? There is a soft knock at the door, but I don't answer. I don't want to see anyone but Christian. I would do anything to see him walking through that door right now. The door opens softly and then closes again. I lie there and just continue to cry, not caring who has just entered. The bed dips and I feel someone holding me… trying to comfort me.

"Ana, I'm so, so sorry for the pain you are going through. I know that there is absolutely nothing that anyone can say to you to make you feel better. No one, with the exception of Mr. Grey, will be able to take away your pain." Gail holds me for a couple of minutes in silence, letting me cry and feel sorry for myself, before she continues, " When I lost my husband, I was devastated. I wanted him back and nothing would make me feel better… but time. Time heals most wounds. The scar would always be there, but the all consuming pain would fade away… never go away… but it will fade."

"I don't want it to fade… I want to remember him… I want to hold onto him… until the day comes that I no longer have to... live a life without him in it." I wait for a long time and when she doesn't say anything, I turn to face her.

"Gail, do you think Christian is… dead?" Please God, he cannot be dead.

"Ana, it doesn't look very good. Jason asked me to prepare you for the worst. I hate telling you this Ana, but there is a very real possibility that Mr. Grey won't come back to us. It's been over thirty six hours and they haven't found him yet." I start sobbing uncontrollably again and she pulls me closer to her. I'm shaking so much that I think I would have broken something if she wasn't holding onto me. When I finally have no more tears to shed, she gently gets up from the bed.

"I'm going to make you something to eat, something light. You really should eat something to keep your strength up. Why don't you take a shower and come to the kitchen when you're done?" I turn around again and grab his pillow.

I don't turn around; just lie there until I hear the door close. Reluctantly I get up and go into the shower. With warm water running over my now tired body, I simply stand there and think back again to all the showers we have taken together. How is it possible that your entire life can change so quickly? One minute you are on top of the world, the next you are in hell. This is my own personal hell… living without the one person I can't bear to life without.

I take the soap and wash myself in record time, not able to stand in this shower a minute longer, and get out wrapping myself in the soft comfort of a towel. As I walk over to the mirror, Christian's toothbrush catches my eye. Not thinking about it, I take it and put on some toothpaste to brush my teeth.

"_You've brushed your teeth?" He asked after he kissed me in the elevator that day at the hotel after I drunk dialled him._

"_I used your toothbrush."_

"_Oh, Anastasia Steel, what am I going to do with you?"_

Silent tears are flowing down my cheeks as I think back to the kiss in the elevator before I told him about using his toothbrush. I continue to brush my teeth, a lot longer than needed for anyone. When my gums are starting to hurt, I reluctantly rinse Christian's toothbrush and put it back where I found it. I rinse my mouth and look up into the mirror. I look tired and sad with red swollen eyes.

"_Baby, please don't cry." I hear him again._

I turn away from the mirror and walk out of the bathroom towards the closet, but instead of opening mine, I open Christian's closet. It smells like him. I walk in and lie down on the floor. I miss him so much and his smell is so strong in here. If I close my eyes I can imagine that he is here with me… holding me… loving me.

I'm startled awake when Gail lightly touch my arm. I look up into her sad eyes, "I miss him so much, Gail."

"I know, Ana," she looks back at me with so much understanding and I'm lucky to have her with me. "Are you ready to get out of here?"

"No, but please stay with me."

Gail sits down next to me and I put my head on her lap. She plays mindlessly with my hair while talking to me softly.

"Mr. Grey has always been a hard man. He was fair, but would not tolerate anything less than perfection. He was always in control of everything around him. That was before you came along." I feel, rather than hear her laugh, "You turned his perfectly controlled world on its head. I don't remember ever seeing him smile before you came into his life. The very first time I saw the two of you together, I knew he cared for you deeply. It wasn't long before everyone could see that he loved you, even that evil woman. I don't think I have ever met a man that loved a woman so much in such a short time. He would do anything to make you happy."

"I will do anything to have an opportunity to make him happy, Gail."

She doesn't respond and again we just sit there in a comfortable silence.

"Your breakfast is already cold and you need to dry your hair before you get sick."

We walk out of Christian's closet and Gail gives me some privacy to get dressed. As I walk out towards the kitchen, I stop when I hear voices.

"I hate seeing her like this, Jason. She doesn't deserve this. She is still so young to experience this kind of pain." Gail sounds like she is close to tears.

"I know this must be difficult for you, Gail, but she needs us. No one else will understand why this is so hard on her… they haven't seen the two of them together like we have."

"Jason, if he is dead… this will only be the beginning and it will get much, much worse. Given how young Ana is and how much she loved him, I honestly don't think she is going to come out on the other side in one piece. She will be completely broken." Taylor sighs loudly and I walk just a little closer to hear his response.

"I'm trying to find him, but the authorities are still refusing to give me permission to enter the crash site. My hands are tied and until they stop the investigation, there is very little that I can do."

After a moment of silence, I start walking again and enter the kitchen just as Taylor is leaving. He turns and smiles at me, "Ana, how are you holding up?"

"Honestly, I'm not too sure at the moment. One minute I'm numb and the next…" I don't finish but Taylor knows what I was about to say and that's one thing I like about him, his ability to read people.

"I'll be in my office if you need anything, Ana." With that he leaves and I sit down to stare at my breakfast.

"_Eat. Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food… eat."_

With Christian's words in my head, I pick up the fork and finish all the food on my plate… not tasting anything… just chewing and swallowing.

I walk to the sink to wash my plate and gasp when I look at the clock and realise its already after one in the afternoon. What happened to the day?

Feeling miserable, I take a bottle of white wine and glass and go to find comfort in a movie. As I turn on the television, I flick through the channels until I see the familiar cast of Dirty Dancing. I make myself comfortable on the couch and turn up the volume. At first I'm fine and then the song 'Cry to me' starts to play and the waterworks starts all over again. I pour myself another class of wine and I'm surprised to see how much I had to drink already when I put the empty bottle back on the table.

All alone and in tears… again, I sing the words feeling sorry for myself.

_Well nothing could be sadder  
>Than a glass of wine, all alone<br>Loneliness, loneliness, it's such a waste of time  
>Oh-oh yeah<em>

_You don't ever have to walk alone, oh you see  
>Oh come on, take my hand and baby won't you walk with me?<br>Oh ya_

_When you're waiting for a voice to come  
>In the night and there is no one<br>Ah don't you feel like crying? (cry to me)  
>Don't you feel like crying? (cry to me)<br>Ah don't you feel like a-ca-ca-cra-co-cra-co-cra-cra, (cry to me)  
>Cra-co-cra-co-cra-cra crying? (cry to me)<br>Ah don't you feel like a-cra-co-cra-co-cra-cra,  
>Cra-co-cra-co-cra-cra crying?...<em>

"It seems it's worse than I thought?" I jump up and the wine glass falls out of my hand. As I turn around I see Kate, looking perfect as always and I suddenly feel self conscious in Christian's t-shirt with jeans and sneakers, swollen red eyes and wet cheeks.

"Kate, what are you doing here?"

"You're not answering your phone and no one has spoken to you since last night. I was worried, Ana. I came to check if you are okay?" She walks over to sit on the couch and I sit back down while turning the volume of the television down again.

"No, Kate. I'm not _okay_. Christian is missing… or dead… or whatever… and I miss him. I think about him every second that I'm awake and I can't stop crying." Kate moves closer and takes my hand in hers.

"Ana, you don't know that he's dead."

"Kate, no one knows that he's not dead either. It's been almost 48 hours and they've found nothing. What the hell am I going to do without him?" I put my head in my hands and feel the wetness of my tears fill my palms.

"It's okay. You'll be okay, Ana. You have a new job and we have a great apartment… you'll be fine, you'll see." Is she trying to comfort me or piss me off?

"I won't be okay without Christian, Kate! Don't you get it at all? I love him more than anything! He asked me to marry him! I don't want to be okay, I want Christian! My pain is like the infinity sign… there is no beginning and no end… there is just pain." Gail is standing at the door, probably concerned with me screaming at Kate.

"Ana, can I make you some tea?" I sit back down and take a deep breath before looking back at Gail.

"Please, Gail." She leaves and I turn back to Kate.

"You haven't been here Kate. You didn't see how much he has changed to make me happy. He loves me and I can't bear the thought of never waking up next to him… never feeling his touch… never hear his voice. If Christian is dead Kate, I won't survive it. I will be broken beyond repair." I tell Kate in a surprisingly soft tone and Kate pulls me into a hug. For the first time, it actually feels like she is trying to give me some comfort… not that anything is helping right now.

"Then tell me, Ana. Tell me what happened while I was away. Help me understand why you won't be able to live without a man you have only known for a couple of weeks." Okay, I won't get pissed.

"It's been… interesting while you were gone. We are in love and it was as if the universe were conspiring against us… like we shouldn't be together… but nothing could tear us apart… until now. At first Christian wanted a different kind of relationship, but that didn't last long. Even though we love each other, he wanted power and control over me and I wanted my independence. Obviously you can see how that would cause problems on a daily basis. He followed me to Georgia and we had the most amazing day together before he had to rush back to Seattle to take care of something. It turned out that the something was an ex that had a breakdown and was causing problems for him. He was also concerned for her own safety… in her condition. When I came back… well, we had a huge fall out over something else and… I left him. It almost broke us both. We were both miserable for days. I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Cried myself to sleep ever night. I missed him so much and he missed me too. He gave me a ride in Charlie Tango to Portland to attend Jose's show and afterwards we went for dinner to talk things out. Afterwards he dropped me at the apartment and went home… giving me time to think I guess. The Friday we came back here… went grocery shopping like a normal couple… made dinner, drank wine and ate vanilla ice cream." Fuck, this is so hard and I'm trying my best not to cry right now.

"The next day we attended the Coping Together Gala and it was just amazing. That night however I woke up and someone was standing at the end of the bed watching me. I thought I imagined it, but it turned out that it was Christian's ex. We left and booked into a hotel. The Sunday we went out on his boat to spend a quiet day together, but only after he bought me a new car to replace the Audi that Leila, his ex, destroyed. Anyway, the Tuesday I went to the apartment to get Ethan to take him out for dinner. I thought Ethan let me in… but it was Leila and she had a gun. It was horrible! Christian stormed in and took care of Leila and I went out for drinks with Ethan. When I got home, Christian was in a state because he didn't know where I was. We had a huge argument about what happened and he revealed some things about himself that came as a huge shock to me, but we talked it through and I promised him that I would never leave him and he asked me to marry him. I told him that I needed some time to work through everything that happened. Wednesday was yet another eventful day as my ex-boss decided to attack me and Christian had him fired. Oh, I forgot to mention that Christian decided to buy SIP in order to ensure my safety and protection." Kate is shocked, not sure about what part, so I continue. "Thursday we went to see Dr. Flynn to discuss some of my issues. Before the appointment I gave him an early birthday present that he could only open on his birthday. It was a keychain with the answer to his proposal. Afterwards we went to look at this amazing house that Christian wanted to buy for us. It's awesome, Kate. You should see it. Anyway, then we went for dinner and spend the rest of the night making love. Now… he's gone. In a blink of an eye… Christian is gone. I don't know if I will ever get to tell him that I want to marry him… that I want to make him happy and how much I love him." Now I'm crying again and the pain is back.

"Oh, Ana. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm also sorry that I missed so much and that I wasn't here to support you."

After we had some tea, Kate leaves with a promise to visit again tomorrow after work. I take my iPod and Macbook and go to sit in the library. At least I'm a bit more sober than I was earlier. It's time I change the music on my iPod to better suit my mood. I scroll through the music library and decide on a couple of songs.

_I'm lost without you – Blink 182_

_Missing you now – Michael Bolton_

_Lonely girl – Pink_

_All I want is you – U2_

_When you really love someone – Alicia Keys_

_Broken-hearted girl – Beyonce_

_Try sleeping with a broken heart – Alicia Keys._

_The lonely – Christina Perri_

_What's up lonely – Kelly Clarkson_

_Show me the meaning of being lonely – Backstreet Boys_

_Not strong enough - Apocalyptica_

I search the rest of the songs for anything relating to heartbreak and loneliness and download it onto the iPod as well. I put the first song on and go to lie down on the couch. I play my broken-hearted playlist over and over again until I finally find comfort again in the darkness.

20 June 2011.

I wake up with a slight headache and feeling disorientated. I'm in bed and there is again orange juice with pain pills on the nightstand… Taylor. It's only half past one in the morning, so I take the pills with some juice and go back to sleep.

Unlike the previous night, the total darkness didn't come and I'm tormented with images of my beautiful Fifty in a coffin. After I woke up for the third time at twenty minutes past six, I decide to get up and get ready for work. The only thing I want to do is sleep and cry, but I have responsibilities and since I have no idea what the future holds for me, I will have to find the strength to go into the office.

I get dressed head to toe in black with minimal make up, an understated hairstyle and a fake smile. After breakfast I tell Sawyer that I'm ready to go and turn to Taylor.

"Please, if you hear anything…"

"You'll be the first one to know."

"Thank you, Taylor."

At the office everyone avoids me like the plague… obviously aware of what is happening. I'm not complaining either as I can focus on work and try to forget everything else.

After lunch there is a soft knock on the door and it opens to reveal Jerry, Roach and Elisabeth. They close the door behind them and an awkward silence fills my office.

"Ana, I hope we are not disturbing." Elisabeth is the first to break the silence.

"What can I do for you?" I can't really say that they are not disturbing since I was in the middle of making notes and they are actually disturbing.

"Ana, we would just like to say that we are sorry for what happened to Mr. Grey. We have been following the news for updates, but heard that he wasn't found yet." Shit, I can feel the tears burning my eyes and I hoped that no one would discuss my current situation with me for a couple of days at least. Roach must also be worried about the future of SIP in case…

"No, Christian has not been found yet. They are still searching the crash site, but no news thus far." So much for trying not to cry.

"Don't you think you should take a couple of days off, Ana? This must be very hard for you." Elisabeth sounds really concerned.

"No. Please. I have to stay busy. I cannot just sit at Escala waiting for news."

"Very well, Ana. But if there is anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask. Even if it is just some time off, please let me or Elisabeth know."

"Thank you."

"We will let you get back to work and again, apologies for the interruption."

With that the three of them leave and I get back to work. Hanna came in to say goodbye before she left, but I just continued to work. This must have been one of the most productive days I have ever had.

There is another knock at the door and I look up to see a very concerned Sawyer.

"Ana, it's almost nine, I should get you home or building security might lock the building with you still inside."

"Sorry, Sawyer. I didn't realise it was that late already. I'll just need a minute to get my things."

We get home and there are now more reporters camping in front of Escala. This is going to cause even more problems.

Totally exhausted and alone, I finish my dinner and take a sleeping pill before going to bed. Luckily the darkness comes quickly as I drift into sleep with tears falling unto my pillow. I just miss him so damn much.

30 June 2011.

It's been thirteen days. Thirteen days of pure misery. Sleep, go to work, battle to get through the media waiting for me every morning, go home late at night, eat and go to bed. The same routine every day while waiting for Christian to appear everywhere I go. Everyone at the office is still avoiding me. I only leave my office when absolutely necessary. I have probably read more manuscripts and made notes on each one, than most editors do in six months. Anything to stay busy. Anything to get home too exhausted to think for too long. I still cry myself to sleep every night and wake up just to start crying all over again. I cry in the shower, on the way to the office, in the elevator and in Christian's office at Escala.

Ros still want to talk to me, but Taylor has been keeping her away for now, along with everyone else. I don't want to see anyone and with every passing day, the pain just gets worse. I will have to talk to her soon, maybe tomorrow.

I'm not eating as well as I should be and apart from work, sleep and cry, I don't really do anything else. My heart is breaking and I call Christian's phone several times a day to hear his voice.

Like every other night, I leave the office just before nine when Sawyer comes to get me as the building is locked at nine. We get to Escala and as I get out of the elevator, I hear voices in the great room. Not what I was hoping for right now.

Deciding to get this over with as soon as possible, I wipe my tears away and walk into the great room to find Kate and the Grey's. They all look at me with concern.

"Good evening everyone. This is a surprise." Not even the fake smile can keep the pain out of my voice.

"Ana dear, it's great to see you. We missed you and thought that we would come and see how you are doing." Grace walks over to me and pulls me into a motherly hug.

"Ana, you really shouldn't be working these long hours. You look exhausted and should take care of yourself. You're losing too much weight and you're starting to drown in your clothes." Kate can be so obtuse some times.

"Kate, I'm exhausted because I miss Christian and I can't sleep, not because I work so much. I work so much in order to keep me busy and also to keep me from having a breakdown. I hate being here without Christian, but I can't bear to leave… to leave behind my only connection to him at the moment."

Mia and Grace are now crying and I see Gail in the corner of my eye, also wiping away tears. That we are not all admitted to hospital for dehydration is a miracle. I sit down on the couch and Elliot comes to sit next to me.

"It's been thirteen days, Ana. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think Christian is coming back. I love my brother, but being Christian… if he was somewhere out there, he would have found a way to contact us… unless…"

"He's not dead, Elliot. He can't be dead." I can feel my heartbeat increasing and the tears running down my cheeks.

"Ana, we have to start being realistic. We all want him to be fine, but in reality, he is not. We can't wait for him to come back when he won't." I get up, thoroughly pissed and walk a few steps before turning back to face all of them.

"Christian Grey is not dead. Until the day that someone show me his body, I will not stop waiting for him to come back. Please, do not ask me to stop grieving for him or to move on with my life… because I won't."

"We are just worried about you, Ana. We are family and we want to see you happy or at least coping and we don't think you are. You are here alone and that is not good for you. Grace and I want to invite you to come live with us for a while." Carrick must be joking if he thinks I'm leaving Escala before the day that it belongs to someone else.

"That is very kind of you, but I'm not leaving. If Christian is dead and the will is read, I will go back to Kate's, but until then, I want to be here for when…" I'm suddenly exhausted and when they all get up and start to leave, I'm grateful for the peace and quiet.

"Take care of yourself, my dear. Please let me know if you need anything. I will always be here for you." I give Grace a hug and then the rest of the family. With everyone gone, I go back to the kitchen where Gail is waiting for me.

"Hello, Ana. Are you ready for dinner?"

"Yes please. And then I'm going straight to bed. I was already exhausted before I arrived and the family just made it worse. I know they have good intentions, but I'm fine." Gail turns around with a raised eyebrow. "Okay, as fine as can be expected. I'm just so lonely, Gail. I miss Christian and I'm worried about him. If he is dead, surely they would have found a body by now. If he is not dead, is he hungry? Cold? Injured? The uncertainty is what is getting to me the most. Not knowing how he is and where he is." She puts my dinner in front of me and sits down beside me, like she has been doing every night since the crash.

"I understand, Ana. This is a very difficult time and if they don't find his body, you won't find closure."

"I don't want closure… I just want him. I don't think his family or even Kate understands. I'm lucky to have you and Jason."

After dinner, I go to the bedroom and fall onto the bed. I have been keeping my tears for the privacy of Christian's bedroom and for the most part, I've been successful.

I take my phone and dial his number and it goes directly to voicemail.

"Grey, leave a message."

"I miss you, Christian. So much! I just wanted to hear your voice and since this is all I have… They keep telling me that you are not coming back, but I can't believe that. I won't be able to go on without you. Please, baby. Please come back to me. We are supposed to get married and get our happily ever after. I love you, Christian Grey... with all my heart. It will always belong to you… only you. I will always belong to you."

I end the call and let the tears flow freely… wondering in the back of my mind what my future will be like without Christian and not liking where my mind is going.

I fall asleep after sobbing uncontrollably for almost an hour… hoping, like every night, that the next day will be better and that he will be back.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I hope you liked it… please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you for reading this story and I'll try to update more often. **

**Since Ana is basically on emotional overload, I decided to do other POV's. So, I would like to start with Taylor and then Ros before I go back to Ana with the memorial. I hope you like it.**

**Songs (you should really listen to this... heartbreaking): **

**Show me the meaning of being lonely – Backstreet Boys**

**All I want is you – U2**

**Try sleeping with a broken heart – Alicia Keys**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Taylor POV:<strong>

13 July 2011.

_Show me the meaning of being lonely_

_Is this the feeling I need to walk with?_

_Tell me why_

_I can't be there where you are_

_There's something missing in my heart._

This song has been playing on repeat for the last hour throughout the entire penthouse and Ana is curled up in a ball on the couch with cut wrenching sobs filling the room together with the heartbreaking song. My heart bleeds for this young girl and I feel so useless. She has pushed everyone away. She hasn't spoken to a single person in two weeks. Apart from work, eat and sleep, all she does is cry and none of our efforts to get her to talk has been successful. I've managed to keep everyone from seeing her like this as I'm sure Flynn will have her hospitalized and I will not let anyone take her out of here. She needs to grieve, but I'm not sure if I'm making this harder or easier for her.

As I sit in a bar stool at the breakfast bar, I keep a watchful eye on her. Trying to figure out what to do to make her feel better and coming up empty. Gail told me to just leave her, to let her cry it out. This is way, _way_ out of my area of expertise and I will have to go with that at the moment. Without even lifting her head, she takes the remote and the song change and honestly, this is so much worse and the cries are even more intense. I'm scared she will break something at this rate, but I can't move.

_You say you want_

_Diamonds and a ring of gold_

_Your story to remain untold_

_Your love not to grow cold_

_All the promises we break_

_From the cradle to the grave_

_When all I want is you_

Tears are now streaming down my cheeks and I feel Gail's arms slide around my waist. I look down into her beautiful eyes with tears of her own pouring out and I'm sure that there have never been, or will ever be, more heartbreak in one room than there is in this penthouse at the moment. I'm crying for the years that Christian Grey has lived either neglected, alone, abused or misunderstood. I'm crying for the life Christian has now lost. He will never know what it feels like to wait at the end of the aisle for the love of your life, all dressed in white. He will never know the feeling of holding his baby for the first time. He will never know what it feels like to have someone love you unconditionally for the rest of your life. I'm crying for the inconsolable young girl crying her heart out on the couch. I'm crying for the loneliness she is feeling and for the fact that she won't let anyone offer her any comfort. I'm crying for the loss of a great boss that I should have protected. I'm crying for a life lost… one that never really got to live.

Minutes later, the ping from my phone alerts me that it's time. The family and Flynn as well as the Detective will be here any minute and I can't let them walk in on Ana like this. This is going to turn out to be the worst day of her life and I have no words of comfort to make this any better for her. No one will be able to make this better for her.

I walk over to the sound system and switch the music off and she sits up with red swollen eyes, tired due to continuous crying and lack of sleep.

"Ana, Detective Clark and the Grey's are on their way up. He needs to give you an update and insisted to do it in person. Maybe… you should go and wash your face quickly as I don't want them to see you like this." She nods and exit the room just as the elevator open and everyone, including Flynn comes walking in.

Carrick, Grace and Mia sit down on the couch. Elliot and Kate take a seat on the love seat and I know that this will mean that Ana will sit alone and that just breaks my heart a little more for her. She comes out and takes a seat… alone, with Flynn standing behind her. Detective Clark walks to the middle of the room to face all of them and from the look in his eyes, I know where this is going and there is no time to prepare the already broken Ana for what is about to come.

"Mr. Grey, Dr. Grey… Ms. Steele… I'm sorry, but after three weeks the search has been called off. The forest there is just too thick for him to have survived and if he fell out of the helicopter like the experts think he did, there is no way Mr. Grey would have survived. I'm sorry to inform you that Mr. Christian Grey will be… officially declared dead in the morning."

Ana jumps up and stands before the detective for a couple of seconds before slapping him across the face.

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare say his dead in this house! Christian Grey is not dead." Elliot moves to take her in his arms while Flynn steps closer.

"Ana, they have been searching for three weeks nonstop. He's gone, Ana. Christian is gone." Elliot and Ana are both crying in each other's arms but getting no comfort from it. "He's not coming back sweetheart… he's not coming back." They both fall to their knees before Ana push him away and I really just want him to stop saying that to her. I want to take her out of here and away from them, but it's not my place. My nails are starting to eat into my palms as I stand and watch the scene unfold in front of me.

"NO! Believe what you want, but he is not gone. He is out there… and you are all giving up on him… he is not gone… he would never leave me… never… he wouldn't." Flynn comes to sit next to Ana but she turns back to Elliot, "I can't live without him Elliot… I need him… please… tell them to keep looking… please Elliot… tell them to keep looking… I love him. I can't do this…" Flynn looks towards Grace who simply nods and goes to get the medicine again. The shot is given and Kate is crying for Ana's unbearable heartache and I feel tears running down my cheeks again. I look over to where Gail is standing in the kitchen, crying into her apron. How long will this go on for?

Elliot picks up the unconscious Ana and carries her to the bedroom with Grace following them. I can't move. I can't speak. I just watch as this family breaks down and wonder how that young girl will ever survive this. When Elliot and Grace come back into the room, Flynn gets up to talk to Grace.

"She can't stay here alone, Grace. She is heartbroken and won't take care of herself."

This time, it is Kate that gets up and looks like she is ready to attack the good doctor.

"Of course she is fucking heartbroken… she lost Christian… she lost the love of her life. What? She's supposed to say 'Oh well then, that's bad, but I'm young and need to move on' and NO! You are not taking her away from here. She needs to be here. She needs to grieve and you can't tell her how to do that." Elliot pulls Kate back down and whispers something in her ear and this is when I get my ability to speak back. They will not take her out of Escala while it is still under the name of Christian Grey. Over my dead body.

"Everyone, I think I speak for the entire security team when I say that Ana is not going anywhere. This is her home and we are responsible for her safety. She is sad, depressed, heartbroken and vulnerable right now and this is the best place for her. Apart from Kate, no one here knows Ana like we do and very few of you knew Christian Grey like we did. Mr. Grey would not approve of you taking her away and I can assure you that she won't go quietly. We will take care of her and keep her safe until we know what is to happen with Escala and then we will take it from there."

"Taylor, you have no idea how to handle someone in the state that Ana is in. She will get worse before she gets better. This will not be easy and she needs to be with family right now." Is the good doctor fucking kidding me right now? I've been living with Christian Grey for years and he could barely survive two sessions of an hour a week.

"With all due respect, Dr. Flynn, but we are talking about a young, brilliant and independent adult. She is heartbroken, not insane. You all saw the change in Christian since she came into his life, but who of you saw the change in Ana? Not even Kate can say that she saw the change that took place in Ana since Christian came into her life. She went from this shy young woman to someone who could stand up to Christian Grey. How many people do you know who has the balls to go up against Christian Grey? Who of you stood by her the last two weeks while she cried herself to sleep every single night? Who carried her out of Christian's closet to the bed after she fell asleep in there? We are more than capable to take care of Ana and until the deed of Escala as well as GEH is under someone else's name, she will stay right here and I will be responsible for her safety and security, just like Mr. Grey instructed me." To my utter astonishment, Kate Kavanagh, of all people, comes over to me and give me a hug so tight that I feel like I might pass out. And fuck me… she is crying into my chest. Uncomfortable is the only thing I can think of to describe this.

"Thank you… thank you for being there for her… thank you for loving her and taking care of her… please… keep her safe…" After she calmed herself down, I greet the family and see them all out. Mia is in almost the same state as Ana and I feel sorry for her as well. She really loved her brother, even when he was being a total dick towards her.

16 July 2011.

I never really thought about this, but now I'm starting to wonder how many tears a body of about 110 pounds can possibly hold. Three consistent day's worth so far and I'm willing to bet there is more to come. Ana has not spoken a single word since three days ago. No newspapers are being left around the penthouse. The television is not being switched on. She is not opening her laptop, using her iPad or even her blackberry. Anastasia Rose Steele has blocked herself from the outside world completely. She sent Sawyer to SIP and he came back with boxes filled with manuscripts that she requested from Roach and I'm sure he didn't have the heart to deny her anything right now. Sleep… cry… read… cry… eat… cry… sleep… The same routine for the last three days. She is avoiding anything that can serve as confirmation that Christian Grey is dead.

The article in the morning paper would have sent Ana over the edge, of that I'm sure.

_Christian Travelyn Grey – 28 year old billionaire declared dead:_

_Everyone was shocked by the news of the helicopter crash a month ago that has now been declared the day that Christian Travelyn Grey, 28 year old billionaire and owner of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc, died. Mr. Grey has been presumed officially dead after news of this was given to his family three days ago._

_Spokesperson for GEH says that the family is devastated. He will be sorely missed and the arrangements for the private memorial will be made during the course of this week. _

_Ms. Anastasia Steele, girlfriend of Mr. Grey at the time of his death, is believed to still be staying at Escala, the seven million dollar penthouse she shared with her billionaire boyfriend, and it is reported that she has not left the penthouse since the day they received the news._

_Rumours are that Ms. Steele will be asked to leave her little sanctuary in the sky as soon as the will is read and we can't help but wonder where life will take this 21 year old Lit. Major that has lost not only her boyfriend, but also her chance to live the life of the rich and famous._

Christian would have gone ballistic at the insinuation that Ana is more heartbroken over the loss of his money, than the loss of him. I honestly don't know how these fuckers sleep at night with the garbage they spout on a daily basis.

Grace sent through the details of the memorial service to be held on the 19th as Ana flat out refuse to allow any visitors at all… not even Kate, Ray or Carla. No one is allowed in and with the security at Escala, if she does not want to see anyone, no one will be granted access.

She has another heartbreaking song on repeat and as I sit and listen to the words, it's actually so fitting for her current situation. I know she is not the first person to lose someone she loved, but she is the first person I know with the ability to love totally, completely and unconditionally in the true sense of the word. I've never met anyone that loved another as much as Christian and Ana loved each other. I mean, fuck knows, I love Gail and I know she loves me, but not even what we have comes even close to what these two had and I'm not sure how you move on from that.

_Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?_

_Well, you could try sleeping in my bed_

_Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you_

_You wore the crown_

_You made my body feel heaven bound_

_Why don't you hold me, need me?_

_I thought you told me you'd never leave me_

_Looking in the sky, I can see your face_

_And then I know right where I fit in_

_Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love with you_

_Right till the end_

_So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you_

_Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you_

_I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had_

_Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you_

And with that last verse, she finally passes out with tears still streaming down her face. I look to Gail and she gives me the now familiar nod that it's time for Ana to go to bed. I take the last sip of brandy and give the glass to her as I make my way over to the couch.

She is losing too much weight and I should know, I carry her enough these days to be able to tell the minute she lose even a pound. I decided to give her another week of this isolation and then I will have to do something… anything… to get her to start living again. All she is doing now is breathing, definitely not living. But I can't bring myself to even discuss it with her now. She needs to grieve and since I have never really grieved for anyone, I'm the last one to say when I think she has grieved enough.

Ana wakes up as I put her to bed and grabs hold of Christian's pillow, crying softly into it and I have to listen closely to hear what she is saying.

"I miss him, Taylor. I didn't even know that a heart could hurt this much… and still work. How can it still work? I'm… completely broken… I'll be forever broken… I will never live again… I don't want to live like this." And wish those seven words, the blood in my veins turns to ice. Fuck! I never even thought of protecting her from herself. I truly hope she didn't mean anything with that, but I will keep a close eye on her just in case.

"Ana…" I'm so out of my depth here and I have no idea what to say to her. She puts her cheek on the pillow and stares out of the window into the rainy night. Apart from her wet cheeks, her face is void of any emotion. This is starting to scare the shit out of me.

"Don't worry, Taylor. I know. I know you are sorry… I know that you wish you could change things… and I know that you would bring him back… if you could. I just wish that was enough to give me some comfort… nothing will bring me any comfort… I just have to learn… to sleep with a broken heart. I have to learn how to breathe… when all I want to do is just give up. Do you think that it's possible to die from a broken heart, Taylor? Do you think that maybe… if I'm lucky… that my heart will just decide to one day stop working in my sleep… and I could be with him again?" How the fuck does anyone answer that question?

I look towards the door, my heart tight with panic and see Gail in the door… hand across her mouth and tears streaming down her face again. Any man can only take that much before it becomes too much and I'm slowly reaching that point.

Gail walks into the room and shows me to leave and I'm out of there without a second thought. Ana is getting depressed and I will have to do something right now. And that's when it hits me… GEH. Christian loved that company and she knows it. He put her in charge and Ros has been bugging me for days to speak to Ana. Maybe this will get her to focus on something else? I grab my phone and make the call before I change my mind.

"Hello." Fuck, she was probably sleeping already.

"Ros, its Taylor. I'm sorry for bothering you this late, but I think it's time you come to see Ana."

"Taylor, she doesn't want to see me and I can't blame her. She needs time to get over this. It's just… I really need her approval on a couple of things and… I know she doesn't know anything about GEH, but the lawyers won't make a move without her signature."

"Come tomorrow morning, Ros. First thing. I will let her know of your visit when she wakes up." She exhales loudly before dropping her voice to a mere whisper.

"How is she… no sugar coating?"

"Ros, I can honestly tell you that I've never… in all my life… seen anyone so… broken. I mean, she is completely and utterly devastated and I can't see how she is going to pull through. I can't see how she will survive this. Ana is now getting depressed and I have to find something to keep her busy and… well, GEH meant a lot to Christian and it will be like she is doing this for him."

"I'll see you in the morning, Taylor." With that Ros ends the call and I know it's because she is crying and being who she is, she doesn't want me to know.

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><p><strong>AN: Please, please, please review. Next POV will be Ros.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you for reading this story and I'll try to update more often. **

**Because of the awesome reviews, your continued support and ongoing encouragement, I've been so inspired today, that I'm already busy with Chapter 6. This chapter is Ros's POV. The next one Ana's and then… due to popular demand… Christian's POV the day after the memorial. I'm struggling with that a bit as a man experience emotions different than a woman and being a woman, that don't understand men in general, it is difficult. **

**Someone asked how I was able to write these chapters and let me tell you, it's not easy. I search for a song that contains the words or theme that I think will fit with what I want to say. Then I put it on repeat with my earphones on and just write. Nine out of ten times, I cry before I'm done with a chapter, especially with the first part of Eight days and definitely with every chapter so far of During Eight months. **

**Song: Strong enough - Apocalyptica**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ros POV:<strong>

17 July 2011.

I'm not a nervous person… never really been one. Being Christian's right hand, nervousness was not an option. You do what has to be done and that's it. No remorse… no hesitation… and above all… no fear.

As I stand in the lobby of Escala, I can't even bring myself to press the button for the elevator. I'm scared shitless. Scared of what I'll find when the elevator opens on the top floor. Scared of how this young girl will react to seeing me… the only person to survive the crash that took Christian away from her. Most of all, I'm scared about what my reaction will be.

"Ma'am, are you okay?"

I blink and stare at the security guard through teary eyes I didn't even realise I had. Am I okay?

"Y…yes." I clear my throat and turn to press the damn button. "I'm fine, thank you."

The elevator opens and I'm greeted by a sad and tired looking Taylor. I've never seen him like this. He is always so composed and the perfect picture of professionalism. What the hell is this young girl doing to us?

I brace myself and exit the elevator and that's when I hear it. It sends a pain crashing down on my heart that was already beating at a thousand miles a minute. I've never heard anything so heartbreaking in all my life. I've heard CEO's break down over losing their companies that took them years and years to build from scratch, but nothing I've ever heard comes close to this.

I grip my chest and say to no one in particular. "How can she possibly cope with this amount of pain? She's so tiny… and… good. She doesn't deserve this."

"I don't know, Ros. She is lonely. Last night she asked me if it's possible to die from a broken heart and the more I think about it, the more I think that if this continues, she just might. She just might die from her broken heart." He turns around and punch his fist against the wall next to the elevator, luckily not hard enough to break anything. "How the fuck do I help her? And she won't… she won't let a single person into Escala… you are the first one. Not even Grace and Grace just want to help her. She's tired… exhausted actually… but she won't sleep. And this music… this music is not helping. I get it… I promise you, I get it… but, I can't take it anymore. This is all my fault." He sinks to the floor and I go to sit next to him.

"No, Jason. This is not your fault. Please, don't say that. You protected Christian for the last couple of years and you had no way of knowing this would happen. It was an accident, Jason. Just an accident. It could have happened while you were in the helicopter with us. You shouldn't blame yourself."

"The crash site has been released, but I can't bring myself to leave Ana to go there myself. Charlie Tango is now at the GEH hanger and I'm waiting for a specialist from Germany to come and do the inspection next week. I don't know Ros, this just doesn't feel like an accident to me. Both engines? And Christian is a great pilot. No, there is more to it and I intent to find out what." I get up and straighten my clothes before holding out a hand to Taylor.

"Might as well face this now and get it over with." He gives me a ghost of a smile before we walk into the great room where Ana is sitting in front of a fire. Staring, as if she is looking through it and not at it.

I put my briefcase on the couch and go to sit next to her. She has stopped crying, but her cheeks are still wet with red eyes and soft lips. Funny how lips become soft when a woman cries.

We sit in silence and I listen to the song she has chosen to cry her heart out to.

_And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.  
>And I'm so confused, So hard to choose.<br>Between the pleasure and the pain.  
>And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.<br>Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.  
>And I'm not strong enough to stay away<em>

_I'm not strong enough to stay away_  
><em>What can I do<em>  
><em>I would die without you<em>  
><em>In your presence my heart knows no shame<em>  
><em>I'm not to blame<em>  
><em>Cause you bring my heart to it's knees<em>

_And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.  
>And I'm so confused, So hard to choose.<br>Between the pleasure and the pain.  
>And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.<br>Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.  
>And I'm not strong enough to stay away<em>

"Christian said over and over again how he should never have pursued me. How I was better off without him. This is his song… his song to me…" She wipes away a tear running down her cheek and I have to fight with myself not to pull her into my arms for some comfort as that is not what she wants. "Do you think it's better to have loved and lost that love… or to never have found love at all?" I'm not sure if I should answer, but decide to go for honest.

"Ana, I believe that it is always better to have loved. Even if that love is then lost, you at least know what it's like to love. But then again, I have no idea what you are going through. I've never lost a love. I've never lost anyone close to me and you… you didn't lose someone close to you… you lost someone that is a part of you." She simply nods her head and continues to stare into the flames. "He loved you. You made him very happy and he died knowing how much you loved him. Your name was the last thing that I ever heard him say."

"No, he didn't."

"Didn't what, Ana?"

"He didn't know how much I loved him. He knew I loved him, but not how much. He asked me to marry him and do you know what I said?" I keep quiet, not sure if the question was actually asked for me to answer. "I said that I needed time. Can you believe that? The most amazing man in the history of the world asked me to marry him and I asked for time." She gets up and out of nowhere throws a glass against the wall behind the piano. "Fuck! I sure got my wish, didn't I? I have nothing but time now… nothing!... No Christian waiting for my answer… no Christian telling me he loves me… No Christian to tell me that I'm his… nothing… but, don't worry… because I have _FUCKING_ time… more than enough now… a whole lifetime worth…"

I stand frozen. Ros Baily is frozen. Who would have thought the day would come? I can't move now even if my life depended on it. I just watch this woman break down right in front of my eyes and I know that nothing that I can possibly say will make her hurt any less.

Taylor comes in and looks from me to where Ana is lying on the floor, probably as out of his depth as I am right now. I don't handle emotions well and this… this is like emotion central.

I finally find my legs and walk over to Ana where I lay down next to her on the floor. We just lie there, facing each other.

"Tell me what I can do, please. How can I make you feel better? What do you need?"

And just like that, she jumps up, but bends over as the pain that she must be feeling comes crashing down on her again.

"I need Christian… that's all I need… I just need Christian. Nothing will make me feel better. Nothing will take away this pain. Nobody seems to understand. Everyone just wants to make me feel better… but you know what… nothing will. Unless Christian Grey himself walks into that door… right now… nothing will take away this all consuming pain… nothing will heal my shattered heart… or bring back my dead soul. That's what I am… dead… nothing left… More than that… I don't _want_ the pain to go away… I _want_ to remember every single day… what I have lost… what the world has lost… the day Christian Grey… died."

And in that minute, I decided that what she needs is empathy and not sympathy. She doesn't want or need pity. She doesn't want to hear that we want her to feel better, because she don't want to. The hard, cold fact is… she won't ever feel better again. The pain might fade, but a pain as big as this… will never go away. She will be always be mourning for her lost love, but I can help her. I can keep her busy. Christian gave me the tools to help her and in some way, I think this was his plan.

I was wrecking my brain for the last month trying to figure out what the great and powerful Christian Grey could have been thinking to leave the immediate future of GEH in the hands of a 21 year old lit major and now… as I stand here watching her break down… I get it. _He did it for her._ Everything he did in his last weeks, he did for Anastasia Steele. He loved her like no man ever loved a woman and even after his death he is still taking care of her. And he expected me to help her, guide her and somehow help her to heal in the process. I saw this woman twice in my life, but I saw the affect that she had on one of the most powerful men in the US every single day before his death.

With this new realisation, I walk over to my briefcase and take it in my hand as Taylor looks at me with confusion written all over his face. After giving him a nod to show him that I've got this, I turn towards Ana.

"Well, since you don't need nor want my pity, I will not offer it again. I actually don't want you to feel better either, I want you to mourn over Christian. He was a great man and he deserves to be mourned by the woman he loved more than anything in this world." Taylor walks closer and I wave him off. No more handling her with kid cloves, she needs to do what needs to be done and I'm just the person to get her to do it. Christian knew it and Taylor knows it too. He just needs to let go of his guilt and do what is best for Anastasia. "Right now however, I need you to pull yourself together. Christian Grey left his entire empire in my hands but then tied it with you. I cannot run his company and keep his legacy alive with you sitting here feeling sorry for yourself. I get it… you are hurt and broken and lonely and you miss him more than words can describe. But Anastasia, that will not get anything done. You can sit and cry here for the next couple of months and in the end all you would have accomplished is to lose months of your life as Christian will still be gone and you will still be left behind. Christian trusted you to step up and help me run his company and that is what you need to do now. You need to do what Christian wanted you to do after his death and that is to help run his company that he built from the ground up all by himself. So… go take a shower and clean yourself up. When you are done, I will be waiting in the study for you to go over important matters and as soon as you sign the required paperwork, I will leave you again. But, Anastasia… I will be back and who knows… maybe you are stuck with me for good." Knowing Christian Grey and empowered with the new realisation I just had, I don't need a will to tell me who will inherit from Christian Grey.

She looks at me like I've just slapped her, but after a minute she nods and walks off to the bedroom. Taylor is positively fuming and I just don't give a fuck right now. She needed this and I will not regret it even for a minute.

"Ros, that was… harsh. Fuck, she lost Christian and you are not helping. What the hell were you thinking?" I turn and give him a polite smile.

"What was I thinking, Taylor? I'm standing here looking at this young woman breaking down and obviously, treating her like a woman in mourning is not helping. You are enabling her to feel sorry for herself and I understand… you care about her. But at the end of the day, we have thousands of employees and they need leadership. Christian put me in charge for now and until that will is read, I will do what he employed me to do… my best. Unfortunately for me, he now tied my hands with Anastasia Steele. As much as I want to hug her and tell her that everything will be okay, that is not what she needs and it's definitely not what she wants. Fact is… it will ever be okay for her again, no matter how much time passes. So, we will do what Christian wanted… run GEH together and if I have to pull her with me every step of the way that is exactly what I will do. Now, please excuse me, I will be waiting for Ana in Christian's study."

With that I walk past him and into the study where I wait for Ana for over ten minutes. Just as I'm about to go hunt her down, the door opens and a refreshed Ana walks in. She is of course dressed in all black… black pants, black high heels, black satin blouse and a black three quarter jacket. Her hair is in a neat ponytail and she even applied some light make up. I mentally pat myself on the back for a job well done and try to fight the urge to smile.

"Thank you, Ana. This will be good for you. You might not see it now, but you will. For now, take a seat." I point to Christian's chair on the other side of the desk and she looks close to tears when she sits down, but it does not escape and I feel like a proud mother right now.

For the next four hours, we go through everything that I needed to discuss with her. I explain patiently what needs to be done. I give her the advantages as well as the disadvantages in order for her to make an informed decision. I have to admit, she is absolutely brilliant and a fast learner. At the end of our meeting, I'm convinced that Christian made the right choice. Even though we didn't see eye to eye on one particular matter, she will look after his company like he would have done.

On the matter we didn't agree, I chose not to push her and try again in a week or so. I leave the documentation on the desk and ask her to review it and then think about it before I see her again next week. I also write down the websites where she can do some research on the matter and decide that my job here is done… for today.

We walk out of the study and meet a very anxious Taylor in the great room. He looks at Ana and then to me with gratitude. What can I say? I'm good at what I do and I know it. I do however try not to smile smugly at him right now. No use in pushing my luck.

"Ana, thank you. I will arrange a meeting with Taylor again for next week if nothing changes. And I will see you on the 19th." She frowns and Taylor sucks in a deep breath. Oh for fuck sakes! Don't tell me he didn't tell her.

"The 19th?" Thank you, Jason Taylor. Why don't you just leave everything for me to do?

"Ana, the memorial service for Christian is on the 19th. Grace sent through the details yesterday. Didn't she call you?" I'm shooting daggers at Taylor right now.

"No… no she didn't… but I switched off my phone… memorial service?… to say goodbye?" I look at her, bracing myself for the break down that I just know will come any minute now.

"Yes, Ana. I'm so sorry that you didn't know." She looks me in the eyes and tries to smile, but it didn't work at all.

"It's okay… thank you for coming, Ros… thank you for… what you said… if you will excuse me…" She kisses me lightly on the cheek, hugs Taylor and walks slowly back towards the bedroom while we stare at her retreating back. Is it just me or is she too calm for a shock like this? Was this the final nail in the coffin?

"You didn't feel that she needed to know?" I turn to Taylor who I would really like to slap right now.

"Did you see her? Did you hear her when you came in? I didn't want to make it worse and thought I would tell her tonight after she took her medicine." I sigh and put my head against his shoulder.

"What the hell are we going to do with her?" I ask more to myself.

"Love her like she deserves to be loved. Look out for her like Christian wanted us to. Protect her from herself and others. And you, you will teach her like Christian obviously wanted you to because I don't have to see into the future to know that Anastasia Steele will be the new owner of GEH and honestly, nothing will make me happier." Yes, that sounds just about right.

"I will see you at the memorial and I will let you know what day of the week I want her at GEH. No more running a company out of Escala. She needs to face the world and she needs to be seen at GEH. The employees should know that their futures are still in good hands and that between Ana and me, we will make sure GEH survives this."

"I will make sure she is there. Thank you for… well, everything."

"What can I say? When you're good, you're good and Christian Grey knew that I would be just the right girl to get the job done." With an air kiss, I enter the elevator and nod to Taylor as the doors close.

"Christian Travelyn Grey… you were a fucking genius." I say as I look up towards… wherever.

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><p><strong>AN: And that was Ros. I just love her and she will become a very important person in Ana's life. Please review. **

**Next, Ana and Kate and some much needed girl time… and of course, the memorial.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you for reading this story and I'll try to update more often. **

**Oh, you guys and gals are just too awesome for words. I absolutely LOVED reading the reviews. First, before you continue, let the kids go play outside so that they don't think mom is in pain and grab a tissue on your way back. Christian left a message for Ana. I know I didn't mention it in Eight months and Eight days, but then again, this is a story on its own to and there are bound to be some differences… right? Christian would not have changed his will without leaving a last word for his Ana.**

**And yes, for all the Ros fans like me, she speaks at the memorial… the truth. I just love this woman.**

**I really hope you like it.**

**Song: Everybody hurts – Alex Parks. Old but just so sad and fitting.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ana POV:<strong>

18 July 2011.

Tomorrow is the memorial. The final goodbye to Christian Travelyn Grey. The nail in the coffin… or so they say. I should be sad, crying or something. But the problem is that I feel nothing… absolutely nothing. I'm not happy, sad, content, broken or anything… I'm just nothing. I didn't even know it was at all possible to feel absolutely nothing. Not a single emotion.

Kate is coming and I sit as always, staring into the blazing fire. This would be nice if I could appreciate it, but not even that. I can't even remember what I had for dinner tonight… I didn't taste it, just bite… chew… swallow while I hear those all too familiar words repeating in my head… like I do before every meal.

"_Eat. Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food… eat."_

Yes, that is what my darling Christian has been reduced to… a memory that I cling to for all that I'm worth. Before I do anything, I think of something he would have said to me, trying to remember what his voice sounded like when he actually did say it.

It's been a month. I can hardly believe it as I sit here. Where did the time go? Will this be what my life will be like from now on… one fading moment running into another and another until one day… it will be my time and I will be with him again. United forever.

I hear the elevator open and brace myself for the tornado that is Katherine Kavanagh. She is looking after me today as they are now scared I will do something to myself. You know… since I've lost my reason to live and apparently now also my ability to feel.

Her footsteps are just behind me, but she doesn't say a word and I somehow feel comforted with her presence and the silence that is always so comfortable between us. I hear her at the sound system before she walks over to me with the remote in her hands.

"This is for you. This is your song… _our _song. The one that we will listen to when everything becomes too much. The song that will make us cry our eyes out and I can guarantee you that afterwards… well, you won't feel any better, but you will need to rehydrate and that's why I brought _this_." And this is why I love Kate, armed with a bottle of that cheap white wine we used to drink in Portland. She says it like it is and not because it will make you feel better.

Then the song starts and it's so sad that I immediately begin to cry, hugging my knees to my chest and for the first time today… I'm crying my heart and eyes out while Kate has an arm draped over my shoulders.

_When your day is long  
>And the night, the night is yours alone<br>When you're sure you've had enough  
>Of this life, well hang on<br>_

_Don't let yourself go  
>'Cause everybody cries<br>And everybody hurts sometimes_

_Sometimes everything is wrong  
>Now it's time to sing along<em>

And then Kate does just that… she starts to sing along. I want to laugh… I want to cry… I want to cover my ears. God blessed her with beauty, courage, brains and loyalty… but even He knows that of her many talents, singing is not one of them. But she is singing for me and I love her for it.

_When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)  
>If you feel like letting go (Hold on)<br>If you think you've had too much  
>Of this life, well hang on<em>

_Everybody hurts  
>Take comfort in your friends<br>Everybody hurts  
>Don't throw your hand, oh no<em>

_Don't throw your hand  
>If you feel like you're alone<br>No, no, no, you are not alone_

_If you're on your own in this life  
>The days and nights are long<br>When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on_

_Well, everybody hurts sometimes  
>Everybody cries<br>Everybody hurts sometimes  
>And everybody hurts sometimes<em>

_So hold on, hold on  
>Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on<br>Everybody hurts_

By the time the song is finished, Taylor and Sawyer have already came out to check on us. Gail is avoiding us and we… we are sobbing… into each other's arms. I show her just how much I'm hurting and she is showing me how much she is hurting for me.

Two best friends, one broken and one trying to repair the irreparable damage.

To everyone else's bitter disappointment, Kate has put the song on repeat so we sit like that for about twenty minutes. We are not talking. Not doing anything except holding on to each other and crying.

It feels like I'm saying goodbye and that just makes me cry harder. I don't ever want to say goodbye to my Christian. I want him to live inside me until my last breath.

But I cry anyway. I cry for what I've lost. I cry for what he lost. I cry for what we will never have. Most of all, I cry because I can't get what I want most of all in this world… just one second to look into his eyes and tell him yes. Nothing more. I just want him to know that I said yes. I said yes to him forever. I said yes to forever with him… no matter that we will never get to spend forever together… I want him to have died knowing I said yes.

After what literally must be another hour, I finally stop sobbing. The tears are still flowing slowly down my cheeks, but my insides are now sore and crying any more will surely leave me unable to speak tomorrow. Not that anyone would expect me to after the last month of almost absolute silence.

"So… Elliot. How are things going?" Kate looks at me thoroughly stunned.

"You want to talk about this? Really? Nothing else you would rather want to talk about instead?"

"After you just spend the last hour and a half crying with me over a man that you never got to know, yes. I want to hear about you and Elliot. Does he make you happy?" She sits and looks at me for a few seconds, trying to see if she should continue and then her beautiful eyes light up and she starts.

"OMG, Ana. You have no idea. He is just… wow. Funny, considerate and of course, to be able to cope with my ever changing moods, he is understanding and just an all around saint. And holy cow… the sex… Ana the sex is just… mind blowing. He is the one… I mean really Ana… the one." Yes, she will get the privilege to be called Mrs. Grey. One that I will never get. And I do know all about mind blowing sex.

"That's great, Kate. I'm really very happy for you." And I am and to prove my point, I give her my best smile, the one I always kept for Christian only. And it works.

"You know, Ana. I can feel him enter a room before I even see him. I can feel his presence and I can feel his absence and… I don't know, this sounds crazy, but I feel like we are connected." Her words starts to register in my brain… one at a time… feel his presence… feel his absence… connected.

Oh, fuck me sideways. _How the hell did I miss this?_

Kate just described Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele… totally connected for life. I never felt his absence, I just felt lonely. Like he was away on business and I missed him terribly. I _never_ felt that his soul has left this earth. Surely, if your soul mate dies, if part of you dies, you would feel it before you get the news. Right? And I never saw a body… they never found his body. A body don't just disappear. And his phone… his phone was found next to Ros. I have never, _ever_ seen that man without his phone more than an arm length away. And then it hits me like a freight train…

Christian Travelyn Grey is not dead. _My Christian is still alive!_

I feel light. I feel like I've been released from chains that bound me. I feel… happy.

"You are no longer listening to me are you?" Kate touches my arm and I turn my gaze to her. I have no idea how to say this without sounding certifiably crazy, so I don't. I don't say anything and now… I just want time alone.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about what you just said. I'm really very happy for you, Kate. You deserve this. You deserve Elliot."

"Thank you."

Kate leaves an extremely long hour later and I walk back to our bedroom slowly. My mind is now racing through every single thing that happened over the last two months.

"What happened to you, Christian? Where the hell are you?"

As I get in to bed, I make a mental list of everything Christian told me about his business. Someone must have had a fucking huge grudge and the resources to make Christian Grey disappear. He would also not go willingly. He will not let anyone keep us apart without a fight. And, it's been a month and no ransom request, so this is not about money… this is personal.

I wake up and look at myself in the mirror. I look like shit and it will take some real effort to look good before nine when we need to be at the memorial. It seems so stupid. I will actually show up at the memorial in a three car convoy, accompanied by every member of private security as well as Gail. But what the hell, this is my life… for now at least.

What will happen if we find Christian and he gave away all his possessions today? Will he be pissed for life if he came back and GEH was sold to someone else? What will Christian feel like if he came back to discover he no longer has the power that he is so used to? Will my Christian still be my Christian?

Dressed in a black dress with light make up and a messy bun, I slip my high heels on and walk to meet the rest of the group in the foyer. Everyone of the security team dressed in the exact same black suits, white shirts and black ties… Taylor. Gail dressed in a black dress and high heels like me.

"Ana, are you ready for this?" Taylor looks at me with eyes filled with nothing but concern.

"Taylor, I've not felt this good in a month. Please arrange with Sawyer, Welch and Barney to meet the two of us in Christian's study after the reading of the will. No matter what that will says, we have work to do." He looks very confused as we enter the elevator and into the waiting SUV's.

As I get to the memorial, the media is waiting and it would have been impossible to miss the arrival of Anastasia Steele in the familiar Audi's. This will be sooo much fun.

"_Ms. Steele, what are your plans now that you have to leave Escala?"_

"_Ms. Steele, is it true that you were fired from SIP?"_

"_Ms. Steele, do you think he left you anything in his will?"_

"_Ms. Steele, did you date Christian Grey only for his money?"_

"_Why no tears, Ms. Steele?"_

And more and more questions which I just block out. Flanked by six CPO's and Gail, we walk into the church and for some reason, the bravery that I woke up with this morning, stayed outside. Did I really think I could do this?

My dad comes to my side immediately, the one not practically glued to Taylor, and we take our seats. The service was nice, but even the huge picture of Christian sitting in front of the church could not bring me to tears. Neither could the speeches that were given. Elliot, Carrick and two other people I've never met each talked about what life were like with Christian and then it was Ros. After the mental slap she gave me yesterday, I decided that if this woman speaks, it's best to sit up and clear your mind to pay attention.

"For those who don't know me, I'm Ros Baily and the COO for Grey Enterprises Holdings. Christian's right hand. I was sitting in Christian's office yesterday after Grace asked me to speak today, trying to figure out what to tell you, because believe me, after seven years working closely with Christian Travelyn Grey, I could write a trilogy. And it would sell too. Life was just that exciting with Christian.

But, let's not sugar coat everything and talk about how good the man was. After all, everyone that knew him would know that it is just what people say about the dead. Respect to the dead and all that. But you see, Christian Grey's body might be dead, but he will never really die. He has built an empire and left a legacy… all by himself. He gave a bright future to literally over forty thousand people that are currently in the employ of GEH. And he has helped even more than that with his outreach program in Darfur. A program that receives no outside funding. Every single dollar that goes into that program, came out of Christian's pocket. He had this obsession with feeding the disadvantaged and he put a lot of his precious time into it.

With all that being said, until a few months ago, Christian Travelyn Grey, was a hard, controlling, ruthless man with more than enough power to feed his less than good qualities. Yes, I said it. He was a great leader, a great boss, but let's face the facts, Christian Grey was not a good man. I could think of a couple of words to describe him, and I have said every single one to Christian's face over the years, but we are in a church and my moral compass might be skew, but it's not broken.

But then one day a couple of months ago, Andrea confirmed it for me as the 9th of May, a young woman came to see _The_ Christian Grey. All the way from Portland for a student news paper article. Now we all know that Christian did not do interviews, so this was fate that made him agree to it, just as it gave Ms. Kavanagh, that was supposed to do the interview, the flu from what I've been told. Anyway, this young girl stood up and walked to his office and then fell… yes, fell. Right in front of the feet of Christian. And that day, _that day_ should be recorded as the day that Christian Grey found each and every good quality he died with. Anastasia Steele, 21 year old student, changed one of the most powerful men in America by falling at his feet… literally.

So to close my little speech, Christian Travelyn Grey died on 17 June 2011 a very rich man, not even taking into account his possessions. He had the kind of love in his life and in his heart that a very few people ever get to experience. He loved Ana like no man has ever loved a woman and I am willing to bet that there will never be a woman that is loved with the kind of love that Christian had for his Ana. With this love, he became compassionate, sympathetic, understanding and yes, he became caring. One big thing that Ana also taught Christian, was patience, something he couldn't even spell before her. He always wanted to protect those around him, but it was because he saw them as _his_… belongings. Ana made him see the people in his life as people and he learned to accept the love we all had towards him. We all saw the effects of Ana in his life.

Christian Grey died a better man… a good man and I will miss him dearly."

Okay, now I'm crying. This speech is so Ros and I can see why Christian liked her so much. She is awesome, truthful and direct… always to the point. I find myself wanting to be friends with her.

Something catches my eye and I look to my right… right into the face of Elena Lincoln. Did she just take a picture of me? And why the fuck is she not crying? I thought she was Christian's only friend.

At the end of the service, I get up with Taylor and Ray and as I turn around, I stop dead in my tracks. There, in the last row, is sitting fourteen dark haired girls. I don't have to be a fucking genius to know who the hell they are.

"Taylor, get them the fuck out of here. They have no business being here and remind them that the NDA's are still valid, even if it's not." Taylor nods and within minutes, the girls are gone, but as Taylor said, we have definitely not seen the last of them.

During the next two hours, I stand to listen to people I've never met, telling me about Christian… funny enough, a man they never really knew. Every time someone even tries to tell me how sorry they are for my loss, I simply turn around and walk away. I have no desire to mourn for a man that is not dead. The only thing I mourn for, is his absence next to me.

When my dad leaves to talk to Grace, I feel a shiver down my spine and sure enough, I turn around to come face to face with the bitch pedophile herself.

"Anastasia, you look absolutely stunning considering you supposedly lost the love of your life. I have to tell you that I wanted to vomit when I had to listen to the shit about how Christian became a better man because of you. You made him weak." The accusation in her voice is not lost to me and neither to Taylor who is now standing even closer than before.

"Oh, Taylor. Calm down. I'm not going to hurt her in front of all these people. You know, if you have taken better care of Christian, instead of wasting your time protecting this little gold digger, Christian would be here right now." Taylor's face falls and I know he has been blaming himself constantly for the accident since it happened. I turn and look Elena straight in the eyes.

"You know, Elena. You might see me as a gold digger, but at least that is better than a paedophile bitch that used a vulnerable young boy for your own sexual pleasure. As for Taylor, he is not to blame and if you ever, and I mean ever come anywhere near either of us again, I will tell Grace all about how you fucked her fifteen year old son. I wonder just what that would do to your standing in society." I give her a smug look and as I turn around, she grabs me by my wrist.

"Yes, Anastasia. I was his first. I taught him how to fuck and you know what, that boy fucked my brains out." OMG, did she just say this to me at Christian's memorial?

"I know that Elena. I know you fucked him as a boy, but remember this. He fucked me as a man and really, it was mind blowing. More than that, he made love to me. You might have been the first woman he fucked as a young boy that didn't know any better, but I was the first woman he made loved to as a man… in our bed… in our playroom… in his study. So fuck off, Elena. You've got nothing on me." I simply turn around, smiling at Grace that is approaching and leave a livid Elena to battle with herself.

Throughout the next hour at the Grey mansion in Bellevue, I feel like I'm constantly being watched and I caught Elena at least three more times taking photos of me. What the fuck does she want photos of me for?

Just before two in the afternoon, Grace calls the family into Carrick's study where Christian's lawyers are waiting. I request Taylor to come with me… in order to give me comfort… and as no one wants to see me in tears again, they agree. I take a seat next to Taylor and when everyone else is seated, the lawyer begins. I look outside the window at the people still walking in the gardens. Family and friends who is still here to support the family in their darkest hour.

"Ladies and gentlemen, let me begin by saying that I'm truly sorry for your loss. Christian Grey was a great man and will forever be remembered by those who knew him."

"Thank you, Mr. Stephens. Our son will be sorely missed." Grace is now crying again on Carrick's shoulder and Mia into Elliot's. Only the family is here, which makes me wonder why my presence is required at all.

"Now, Mr. Grey updated his will two weeks before his death, as you might have heard shortly thereafter when Ms. Steele and Ms. Baily were given the task to run his company until the day his will is to be read. Mr. Grey requested that you all be present to support Ms. Steele in whatever capacity you could during this very difficult time. He asked me to tell all of you that he loved you and he couldn't have asked for a better family." Then he gets all weird and looks straight at me who in turn look at Taylor. This is suddenly very uncomfortable and I have no idea what to expect.

"To Ms. Steele, I'm to read the following, written by Mr. Grey as part of his will." I nod and grab onto Taylors arm where he puts his hand over mine.

"_My dear Anastasia. As you can imagine, I have no idea how much time has passed since I've written this and therefore I don't know if you are my girlfriend, my fiancé or my wife when this is read to you. What I do know is that you are and will always be, the love of my life, my reason for living and most importantly, you are mine."_ And with that last word, I break down so hard that the lawyer has to stop and everyone is trying in vain to comfort me and calm me down. When I feel that I have regained some of my self control, I nod to continue, but the tears just keeps on flowing onto Taylor's shoulder. _"You were born to be mine, just like I was born to be yours, and until the end of time, you will still be mine. No matter what life still have in store for you, never forget that. There is not one person in this world that knows me as well as you do. Every secret, every desire, every hope, every bad thing and every dream. You know it all and by some miracle, you still love me and I know you… I know that until the day you die, you will love me just as deeply and passionately than you do at this very moment. Baby, please don't cry for me. I died the happiest man that ever walked this earth… because of you."_ Oh God, I can't, I just can't sit here and listen, but I can't find the strength to stop Mr. Stephens and in truth, I don't want to. Every single person in this room is crying, even Mr. Stephens has tears in his eyes and that is truly not helping. _"You showed me what true, unconditional love is. You gave me a reason to get up in the morning and something to look forward to at the end of a shitty day. You made me smile. You made me laugh. You made me want to pull out my hair. You made me cry. You made me, Christian Travelyn Grey, a man that I can be proud of when I look in the mirror. For that, I love you more than my own life. I love you more than the stars in the sky. More than the sand in the ocean. More than it's possible to put into words so I will stop trying and leave you with this: You will always be _my_ baby. Even in death I will miss you, but I will still be with you because you own my heart and I left it with you. I love you, Anastasia. Be happy, my baby and tell Elliot to look after you as I can no longer do that. And please, let Taylor do his job and protect you. Also, don't forget to eat. Now and forever yours, Christian."_

I run out of the room and into the first bathroom I can find and just cry. I'm sure the entire estate can hear me crying and I don't care. I hope my cries can be heard all over the world. I have to find him and tell him I love him. This is too much. He loves me so much and he is out there… alone and possibly hurt and in trouble. I pull myself together and walk out of the bathroom into Kate who pulls me into a hug without even one word where I cry softly again. After a while, I take her hand with me and walk back into the study where everyone is waiting for me.

"Sorry about that. Do you mind if I keep Kate with me?" Kate looks around the room at all the wet faces with red eyes ending at Elliot. She tightens her hold around my waist telling me that no matter what, she is definitely not leaving.

"No problem, Ms. Steele. That was the note that Mr. Grey left you and I have to say that in my twenty odd years of reading wills, I have never had to read something written with so much love and it breaks my heart that you have lost someone that obviously meant so much to you. With that being said, I will now finish with the last part of the will which is very straight forward really, albeit the most personal will I've ever read."

"_My entire estate, currently estimated at 9.7 billion dollars, I leave to my one true love, Anastasia Rose Steele."_

Holy fucking cow! What the hell was he thinking? Not that it matters as it will be temporarily, but still… fuck! What if he really did die?

"_Special instructions to this will is that Ros Baily continues as CEO of GEH until Anastasia feels ready to take over completely. Jason Taylor and Luke Sawyer, if they agree, have to remain the CPO's for Anastasia and never let her go anywhere without security, even though she won't like it, she needs it. The other four remaining CPO's to remain in service as back up whenever needed. _

_GEH and all companies that form part of it, now belongs to you, baby. Do as you see fit, but please, don't let the Darfur project fall away. It's how we give back to the less fortunate and they won't be able to carry on without the ongoing support they get from GEH. _

_And please, I know how you think, don't give it all away. I want to look after you until the day you die and that is why I'm doing this._

_Lastly, when Ms. Steele should die, and I hope it's at a very old age so that she can have a full life, I would like what is left of my inheritance to be divided equally between Mia Grey, Elliot Grey, Carla Adams, Ray Steele, Ros Baily, Grace Travelyn Grey, Carrick Grey, Jason Taylor, Gail Jones, Luke Sawyer and lastly Katherine Kavanagh. These are the most important people in my life and the life of Anastasia and it's only fitting that what we own goes to the people we love the most."_

I'm in shock. Yes, that's what I am. Not sure why as there are so many things and I start to run through what could have shocked me. His letter and that he actually took the time to put his thoughts into words, the value of his estate, that he left it all to me, that he thought so far ahead that my mom, dad and even Kate will inherit should something happen to me. And he thinks he is a bad person…

"This is good. This is good. No one will take what belongs to him." I keep saying to myself mostly. I look around the room and everyone seems to be shocked and I feel like shit because I will initially inherit Christian's entire estate, but then again, as he is coming back, the feeling doesn't last long. When we get him back, none of this will matter and hopefully they will understand.

After an hour of very little conversation and a lot of brandy, Taylor reminds me of the meeting at Escala and I excuse myself and leave with a promise to see them soon.

Of course, Elena fucking Lincoln stayed behind just to piss me off some more. As we walk towards the front door, she comes to stand right in front of me with one hand on her hip and a glass of wine in the other. She raises her glass as to make a toast.

"To Anastasia Steele, walking out of here with nothing. Will you be leaving Escala soon? I would like to visit there and have a drink to celebrate the life he lived before you fucked it up." Taylor steps forward and I put my hand in front of him to stop him. No more nice Ana and she insulted me for the last time.

"You know Elena, as part owner of your _precious_ salons, maybe you should start treating me with a bit more respect. After all, I am the _sole heir_ of Christian's estate and I would gladly spend a large portion of it to make your life a living hell. Now, get out of my fucking way and stay out of it. This is your last warning, Elena. I will not be fucked with or insulted by you ever again. Now, please excuse me as I'm late for a meeting with my security team." As I turned to walk away, I decide to give her one last thing to think about, "Sad actually. If you meant so much to Christian, why did he not just leave his shares in Esclava to you? Come to think of it, if he didn't love me, like you obviously think, why did he just leave his entire estate to me? His company and every single thing that he owned are now mine." Until we find him, but she doesn't need to know that. For once, not amount of makeup could make her look pretty. She is as white as a ghost and is yet to recover from her inability to speak. She is positively very close to a heart attack and I would love to stay and watch, but I've got better things to do so I leave with Taylor by my side.

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><p><strong>AN: You know me by now, I'm a review junkie. So please… take a few seconds to review. Any requests welcome and as some of you saw; I do my best to accommodate the readers**. **Ultimately, I am writing it so that you will read it and tell me what you think.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: The reviews on this story are amazing. Thank you so very, very much.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

**Song: All My – Mariah Carey, thank you too JS0408. I loved it.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ana POV:<strong>

19 July 2011.

We arrive back at Escala, a little late, but as everyone I need to see is with me, no one was kept waiting. I ask them to meet me in the study and on my way there try and gather my thoughts.

"Gentlemen, thank you for coming. I'm sure you are all wondering what is going on so I will get straight to the point. First, here is a notepad for each of you to take notes and yes, you will need it." I give each of the confused men in front of me a note pad and pen before sitting down again to continue.

"Okay, it's time we look for Mr. Grey ourselves. Yes, you heard correctly, Christian Grey is not dead. I would know if his soul left this earth and I am telling you, he is alive. So, until someone shows me his body, you all work for me and you will dedicate as much time to this as I need you to, and gentlemen_, that_ will be a lot. So clear your schedules."

I have four men looking at me like I've finally gone insane. They are probably trying to work out what will be best, to lock me up or to hug me until I cry some more. I simply smile at them and continue.

'No, I am not crazy, insane or anything and should you not be writing this down? Come on, start writhing, number one. Clear schedules until further notice. Barney and Welch, I want you to look into the whereabouts of everyone that might have had a grudge against Christian. That means every ex-sub, every unhappy CEO for the last twelve months of the companies he bought out, Jack Hyde and let us not forget the dear Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln. We will go through a process of elimination until we have a short list and then ramp up security to see if we can locate Christian. That means look into their financials, known associates, call history and hack into their IT systems if needed. I want to know what properties they own and even properties of their spouses, should there be any. Shit, I don't know how this spy shit works, but do whatever you have to." I wait for a couple of seconds and when nothing happens, I hit the table with the palm of my hand.

"Barney and Welch, you are not writing this down! Now Taylor, firstly, I want you to find me a couple of trainers. Self defence, endurance, tactical offence, anything you can think off. I will have twelve hours a day starting Monday for training and you should keep me busy. I also want a firearm, licensed of course, with sufficient training scheduled to make me a good shooter. Prepare a schedule for me as soon as possible. Sit with Ros and Roach and slot them in where possible three times a week for each. When done, we will discuss it and I will approve it if I'm happy so that we can start. Secondly, I want you to get, and start training, new security members to take over as soon as Welch gives us a short list. I would think about six additional members to start with and depending on the list, we can always employ more if needed. Did you get all that?" He nods and I raise an eyebrow, that needs shaping by the way. I look like shit these days.

"Yes, Ms. Steele."

"Sawyer, as we will continue as normal until Mr. Grey is home again, you will be assigned to me again and everywhere I go, you go. Christian did stipulate in his will that he wants both you and Taylor with me at all times, but since Taylor has other things to be worried about at the moment, and I trust you with my life, I will be fine with just you. When additional security is needed, we can always use Ryan or Reynolds. Now, any training I get, you will participate in and also assist with the training where possible. I am sure you can even be one of the trainers being a trained professional yourself. Any questions?"

"No, Ms. Steele. Instructions perfectly understood."

"Well gentlemen, I suggest you get to it. We will have a meeting every other day at 7am, or as needed, and I want full progress reports on everything. Taylor, chase the expert you must have lined up to look at Charlie Tango… don't look at me like that, I know how you operate. Anyway, I want to know what happened to that helicopter and I would like to know yesterday. Barney, hack into the camera's at the Portland airport and see who had access to Charlie Tango. If you can't do it, go down there and search for someone who can tell us what we need to know. Now, I will go to get some training outfits."

I turn and walk towards the door and when I realise that I'm not being followed, I turn around and look at Sawyer, "Sawyer, aren't you forgetting something?"

The poor man actually looks scared to go with me, still probably thinking that I am well and truly insane.

My bravery is short lived when we get to the lobby and I hear the questions being shouted towards me.

"_Ms. Steele, is it true that you are the sole heir for Christian Grey's estate?"_ How the hell did that get out so damn quickly?

"_Is this what you were after all along? The money?"_

"_Ms. Steele, are you going to sell GEH or run it yourself?" _And no, I did not miss the sarcasm in the fools voice. Obviously I have no idea how to run a company, especially on the size of GEH, but that won't stop me from keeping it going until I find Christian.

"_Ms. Steele, how much did you inherit?"_

"_Ana, did you have anything to do with the accident to get your hands on his money?" _

My heart stops. My breathing stops. My legs stop moving. I shut down. The question plays over in my head… over and over. Is that what the people will think? _I _killed Christian Grey to get his fucking money? I turn around slowly, just in time to see Taylor, coming out of nowhere, straight towards the guy that asked the fucking hateful question. He nods at Sawyer and Sawyer in turns takes me by my elbow to lead me to the car. I'm no idiot. This is just the beginning and until we find Christian, this will not stop. But if that is what I have to go through to keep what belongs to him safe, that is exactly what I will do.

As we stop Niemans, I suddenly remember that I don't have enough money on me for this little impromptu shopping spree. Sawyer must feel the mood change and he looks at me with a sincere smile.

"Taylor called ahead. You are all set to go."

"Oh, thanks Sawyer."

As we enter, Ms. Acton herself basically runs towards us and leads me to a private room.

"Ms. Steele, please let me start off by saying how sorry I am for your loss. Christian Grey was a great and generous man and I'm sure he will be missed by you and his family."

"Thank you. Yes, I miss him terribly and now I'm doing depression shopping." That seems like a plausible excuse. I'm depressed and I know that whenever Kate is depressed, she shops until she practically pass out from exhaustion.

"Please forgive me if I'm talking out of my place, but he loved you. I've known him for years and you are the first girl that managed to put a smile on his face. Whenever he talked about you, I could almost feel the love he had for you. You are a very lucky girl to have found such and amazing man and to be loved so deeply and completely." She then pushes me gently into the couch and kneels in front of me, wiping away a tear with her finger. She is so sincere that it makes me what to tell her how I feel and what I'm going through, but she smiles and pats my knee. "Sorry that I made you cry, but I thought that you needed to hear that. Now, enough with the tears as I'm sure that is all you have been doing for the last month. We are almost closing, but we will gladly keep the store open for you as I can see that you are in desperate need for something to take your mind of your current situation and loneliness and for a woman, there is nothing better than shopping. And you are in luck, shopping is what I do for a living. So sit back, relax, I will arrange something to drink for both of you and then we will begin. But first, tell me what you will need. I have the list of clothes you have already as well as your sizes, although you look like you have lost at least ten pounds, so we will need measurements again." She is definitely good at distracting people and I feel relaxed in her company… for the first time in a month I'm relaxing and if it is her genuine personality or just the knowledge that Christian is out there somewhere, I don't know.

"I'm going to start training. You know, self defence, that type of thing."

"Yes, and let's not forget that you will also start to run a multibillion dollar company. So honey, you want to be taken seriously, you will unfortunately have to dress the part. And then there will be cocktails and functions, all work related for now of course." She gives me a sympathetic smile and I make a mental note to get her a gift just for making me feel better.

"Yes, but please, not too much. I have all those clothes that Christian got me already and I've hardly worn them that much. I will however also need some shoes. High heels as well as active footwear."

"Definitely. I will get a couple of things ready for you to choose from while you sit and chat with the ever so handsome Luke." As she turns to walk away, something must have occurred to her and she turns back to me, "And honey, don't ever worry about hiding out in there. We all have signed NDA's and everyone was made aware that day of the crash, that the NDA's have a clause that stipulates that it is still in force after the death of Christian Grey. Even new employees have to sign one as per instructions from Mr. Grey and that won't change. You will never leave here with anything as I always personally arrange to have it delivered and even packed away for you, supervised by myself of course, so no one will even know that you even bought anything."

When she is out of sight, I turn to Sawyer, "Is that true, they are still in force even if he is supposedly dead?"

"Yes, Mr. Grey was very thorough and always thought of everything. If I had to guess, I would assume that he did it in order to protect his name as well as his family after his death. Very clever actually, but I think that in the case of a certain group of ladies, you should probably remind them of this little fact." Oh yes, I will be sure to do that at the first opportunity I get. I take out my notebook, earning a chuckle from Sawyer, followed by a raised eyebrow from me, and start to make a list of everything that needs to be done.

I have to set up Christian's email, divert all other mails to me and also enlarge his inbox. I want to send him emails daily of what is happening and things like that. I also have to follow up with Flynn what the progress is with Leila's care. I want to continue ensuring that she gets the treatment that she needs. I will have to speak with Ros as well as Roach as to what to do with GEH and SIP until I can get Christian back. I will have to be careful and not let on that I will only step in temporarily as they might just have me committed for even thinking that Christian is coming back. Then I have to start learning something about running a business and Ros will be the perfect teacher and since I have a natural love for books, I will look into what books to get and start to read up on things for myself as well. Then I will have to find someone to take care of the house that Christian bought us and also see if the sale is finalized. I won't have anything changed, but someone will have to start taking care of things and maybe also get some landscaping done. Ros will have to take over the Darfur project for now as I don't know anything about business and international dealing for now I won't even attempt to get involved in. Since my photo will probably appear in every paper when I so much as sneeze, I will need to take a trip to a salon or maybe have Franco come over, he does sort of work for me now as well. I want to change the playroom, but that will be one of the last things on my list. Also, I know my dad is in trouble and I'm absolutely positive that Christian won't hold it against me if I help him out a bit. He has taken care of me my entire life, not even his own blood, and has never asked for anything from me except love. I am now in a position to help him and I want to. Not with too much as it is not my money after all, but again, Christian will understand. And the crash site, since the investigation is now complete, it should be released and I want to go there with Taylor and the team to check things out for myself. It's some to do list and I will have no time for myself for the next couple of months.

I'm so deep in thought about what I have to do, that I don't even see that Ms. Acton is back with what looks like probably half the shop. Two hours later, I've selected fourteen training outfits, seventeen work outfits and five dresses that can be used for either cocktails or formal functions. I definitely don't intend to become a social butterfly and will only attend when absolutely necessary. When I saw the amount of money I just spent I almost faint and Sawyer gives me a sympathetic look. He is well aware of the fact that I don't like spending money, but this was something that needed to be done.

When I finally get home and I walk straight to the security office to see Taylor. As I walk him, I see him running his hands over his face and he looks really frustrated.

"Taylor, do you have a minute?" he composes himself rather quickly and is again his usual professional self.

"What can I do for you Ms. Steele?" I raise an eyebrow and fold my arms across my chest.

"So, now we are back to Ms. Steele? Really?"

"As from today you are no longer just a girl I have to protect, Ms. Steele, you are now my boss."

"For now and a boss that hates to be called Ms. Steele." I quickly remind him and he looks frustrated again. How quickly the mood of men can change.

"Would you prefer I call you Ana?"

"Yes, I would prefer you to call me Ana please. But enough about that, I was thinking about something earlier. Since Christian is declared dead, why have they not released the crash site? We got Charlie Tango back, but what about the site?" Now he looks nervous… seriously, he is becoming worse than Christian.

"Actually, the site was released earlier this week. I wanted to go and investigate, but…" And he stops while looking down at his hands.

"But what, Taylor?" It feels like forever before he looks me in the eye again and folds his hands on the desk

"I couldn't leave you here… alone. You needed me to be here, even though you didn't say so. I wanted to make sure you were okay before we go to the crash site as it can take weeks to go through the entire site as well as surrounding area." I really can't blame him for that.

"How many weeks?"

"Probably three, maybe four." I quickly go through my 'to do list' and GEH is the only thing that can't wait. The rest can wait until we get back.

"Good, we'll leave tomorrow late morning. Please ask Ros to come and see me before we leave. Gail can take the time off to go visit her sister since she hasn't taken any time off since the accident. And before you say anything, Taylor… I'm not staying here. I will go with you even if I have to wait in a damn tent all day every day, but I want to be there." She gives me an adorable smile, but I won't ever dare call him adorable to his face.

"Very well, Ana. Since I'm desperate to get out there, I will take you with me, but you will have to promise me to follow my instructions when it comes to your safety and under no circumstances will you be allowed to wonder off on your own. I will arrange for us to stay as close to the crash site as possible and we will take my entire team as well as some specialists that I lined up for when we go. I will also talk to Gail as she would love some time with her family. Ros Baily however, I can't handle and will gladly leave her to you. I will phone her now and ask her to stop by first thing in the morning. You might want to figure out what to do with SIP as well, Roach can't carry on running it with no leadership."

"I know, I just don't know what to do yet. While we are at the site, I will go through everything and see what will work best for everyone until we get Christian back. Inform Welch and Barney as well of our absence and all information they gather must be sent to us via e-mail. I don't want them to wait for us to come back."

"No problem. Anything else?"

"Yes, please go get some sleep and tell Gail thank you for the nice dinner." I walk to the door and open it before I look back at him, "And Taylor, thank you for not thinking I'm crazy and thank you for taking care of me."

"Ana, something felt wrong from the start and you just put everything in perspective for us. As to taking care of you, even if Christian didn't tell me to, I would still have done it. We all care about you." He leans back and looks at me for a couple of seconds before he continues, "It's nice to have you back. I was getting worried about you. I believe, just like you, that Christian did not die in the crash, but Ana, you do realise that there is still a possibility…"

"Don't say it. Please, don't say it. If it turns out he died afterwards, I will deal with it, but for the moment… I can't deal with any more heartache, Taylor. I… I just can't. I need a moment to focus on the hope he is alive to try and relieve this pain that I had for the last month. Don't take this from me, please. Keep me busy, let me train, keep me updated and let me live in the hope that I will see him again." I get up before he can respond as the tears are starting to run down my cheeks again.

I leave and return to the bedroom. The bed, to my bitter disappointment, no longer smells like Christian and I can't take comfort from that anymore. Without even thinking about it I move towards his closet and walk in. Almost immediately I feel better even though I have tears streaming down my cheeks.

I just miss him so much. It feels better to know that he is not dead… but that doesn't mean that I don't miss him like crazy. Feeling utterly sorry for myself and trying to postpone the going to bed alone, I sit on the floor of his closet and wait until I'm close to sleep. I think about that very first night I walked into his bedroom… the night he took my virginity and how much he has changed since then.

After a long time, I walk out and put on some music before I get into bed. I can't take the silence in this room, but as I get comfortable, I immediately regret my song choice as well as not having the strength to change it. Since the wounds from believing Christian is dead is still bleeding, I listen to the song and yes, I would give my all for just one more night with Christian. Damn, I'd give everything I have to just see him again.

"_Marry me,"_ he asked just days before the crash and even though I'm alone, I whisper softly, "Yes, baby, I will marry you. I truly hope you know that…wherever you are right now… I hope you know that Christian."

And then the sobbing starts, signalling the start of another restless night.

_I am thinking of you  
>In my sleepless solitude tonight<br>If it's wrong to love you  
>Then my heart just won't let me be right<br>'Cause I've drowned in you  
>And I won't pull through<br>Without you by my side_

_I'd give my all to have  
>Just one more night with you<br>I'd risk my life to feel  
>Your body next to mine<br>'Cause I can't go on  
>Living in the memory of our song<br>I'd give my all for your love tonight_

_Baby can you feel me  
>Imagining I'm looking in your eyes<br>I can see you clearly  
>Vividly emblazoned in my mind<br>And yet you're so far  
>Like a distant star<br>I'm wishing on tonight_

_I'd give my all to have  
>Just one more night with you<br>I'd risk my life to feel  
>Your body next to mine<br>'Cause I can't go on  
>Living in the memory of our song<br>I'd give my all for your love tonight_

_Give my all for your love  
>Tonight<em>

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry for the ones disappointed that it was not Christian POV, but I had to push this in the middle as I can just not get it right at the moment. I will work on it and it will definitely be the next chapter.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: The reviews on this story are amazing. Thank you so very, very much.**

**I know… everybody loves Ros… hell, I love Ros… I will make sure to include her POV as much as possible.**

**Now for Christian. It was not easy to try and get into the mind of a man. Hope I got it right.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Christian POV:<strong>

I have no fucking idea what day it is, what time it is or where the fuck I am. I have never, ever, in all my life been this frustrated, irritated, and pissed. Mixed with this, is my heartache over missing Ana. Fuck, it is unbearable. It is a physical need that I have to see her face… to hear her voice… to feel her touch. I've barely had time to fully appreciate and experience her touch on my skin before I was taken. Now, I have no idea if I'll even get to see her again.

I know she is safe. Taylor will give his life to protect her and I've made sure that she will be taken care of, but I'm worried about her emotional state. Last time we were apart it was only for five days and she looked horrible when I saw her again that first day. She lost weight. She wasn't eating. She wasn't sleeping. And then, she knew I was still alive. Now apparently, I've been declared dead and the newspaper article Jack could not wait to give to me, says that she hasn't left Escala since receiving the news. He was very glad to inform me that yesterday there was a memorial service for me and that I will have a visitor shortly.

From this, I think it's safe to assume that no one is looking for me and that everyone believes that I am truly dead. So, Jack and Elena will never let me go. I will stay down here until I die. The thought makes me physically sick and I make my way over to the toilet in this fucking hell hole.

My leg is no longer in constant pain, but I can tell that it has not healed like it was supposed to and until it is operated on, I will probably not be able to walk properly.

The first days in here were hell. I did not know what happened and the pain was excruciating. I simply woke up with food, water and pain killers next to the bed. Sleep was my only escape as I did not have the strength for anything else and I knew screaming and crying for help would be of no use, so I didn't even try. I was also worried for Ana's safety as I didn't know what the people who took me wanted.

The day after I woke up, Jack fucking Hyde came down to show his smug face. I should have let Taylor take better care of him the day he attacked Ana. He explained to me exactly how the crash was planned within a day after he was fired. Elena sought him out and he followed us to Portland. He was so fucking pleased with himself and with the rage I felt, it was a good thing I was unable to walk as I was fully prepared to kill him with my bare hands.

The news that Elena was involved was devastating. I would have never thought that she was capable of this or that she will even get involved in something like this.

As it turns out, Hyde has a grudge against me because I was adopted by the Grey's and not him. We were at the same foster home before I was adopted, but I have no memory of this, so I will have to take his word for it. If I ever get out of this, I will have to ask my parents.

I get newspaper clippings from time to time with my food, but since it is just the article, I have no idea what the date is. I reach under my pillow and take out the article with a picture of me and Ana from the gala we attended. She looked so fucking beautiful that day. From the article it must be mid July as they mention that the crash was a month ago.

**_Christian Travelyn Grey – 28 year old billionaire declared dead:_**

**_Everyone was shocked by the news of the helicopter crash a month ago that has now been declared the day that Christian Travelyn Grey, 28 year old billionaire and owner of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc, died. Mr. Grey has been presumed officially dead after news of this was given to his family three days ago._**

**_Spokesperson for GEH says that the family is devastated. He will be sorely missed and the arrangements for the private memorial will be made during the course of this week. _**

**_Ms. Anastasia Steele, girlfriend of Mr. Grey at the time of his death, is believed to still be staying at Escala, the seven million dollar penthouse she shared with her billionaire boyfriend, and it is reported that she has not left the penthouse since the day they received the news._**

**_Rumours are that Ms. Steele will be asked to leave her little sanctuary in the sky as soon as the will is read and we can't help but wonder where life will take this 21 year old Lit. Major that has lost not only her boyfriend, but also her chance to live the life of the rich and famous._**

Fucking idiots! Do they really think that I would not have made provision for her the day she decided to give me a second chance? She will not have to worry about money a day in her life again. Also, Ana has been so dedicated to that fucking intern job at SIP, that she must be truly devastated for her to not go to work.

I wish I could hold her and comfort her. I have no idea what she is going through and now with this damn memorial service, she must be close to a breakdown. My strong, independent Ana is alone and I'm not there to comfort her.

Then it hits me and I almost choke… I can't think it, but the vision won't leave my mind… I can't even breathe… _Who the fuck is comforting her? _

_Ethan Kavanagh or Jose Fucking Rodriguez?_

Oh, fuck no! Please… no, no, no, no, NO! They can't touch her. She is mine, completely and irrevocably… only mine. They will ruin her. I would like to believe that she won't let anyone else touch her… ever… but, she is heartbroken and alone and will obviously need some comfort.

I hear the lock on the door being opened and then the bitch herself walks down the stairs and I decide to not show her any fucking weakness. By now she would also know what my will said and that almost makes me feel better… almost.

"Christian, darling. It's so good to see you." Her voice cuts through me and I close my eyes to keep my cool. "Oh, come on. Open your eyes. I won't go away simply because you don't wish to see me. Surely you know me better than that." She sits down on the chair Hyde normally occupies when he wants to fuck with me and hands me an envelope.

"You know, I should actually fucking beat the shit out of you right now. What the fuck were you thinking leaving everything you've worked so hard for to that fucking mousy gold digger? She owns half of my salons now for fuck sakes. Seriously? Have you lost your fucking mind? You've know this woman for less than two months and you give her every single think you owned. How stupid can you get?" I keep quiet and just look at her. Was she really always this ugly? I can hardly believe that I even found her remotely attractive at one stage… or that I fucked her for six years for that matter. She is nothing like my Ana.

"Silent treatment, Christian? Real mature and not your usual style. Anyway, I attended the memorial service they had for you today and thought you might want to look at those. It seems that your little Anastasia is not really grieving after all. She was quite feisty the couple of times we spoke, but no tears. Except for when Ros told everyone what a bad guy you were before you met Ana and how good she was for you. How you apparently died with good qualities because of Ana. Fuck, it was nauseating, but that was the only time I saw anything remotely close to tears in her eyes." And then it all clicks into place.

"Anastasia… she is the reason you're doing this." It's not a question and the look on her face tells me I'm right.

"Christian, she _ruined_ you. You had control. You had order. You had power. More money than you could ever spend. Most of all, you had no drama. No heartache because she was too weak to handle what you needed. She is no fucking good for you. What you needed, was a sub. Someone who can give you what you needed. Someone who was able to take the pain to please you. She is only interested in one thing and that is your money. Okay, maybe the fact that you are amazing in bed is also part of it." My head snaps up and I give her a look that I'm sure could start a fire. "Don't be so touchy. It's not like you didn't enjoy the time we spent together. Anyway, so since you were so fucking foolish as to leave that bitch everything you own, I have to come up with other plans. After today, there is no fucking way she will sell _'her'_ shares to me and getting rid of her with six fucking body guards at all times, will be next to impossible." I'm not looking at her, but I'm smiling. Taylor is good at his job and knows that I would want her protected even with them thinking that I'm dead. "Your mother told me you stipulated that in your will. Really? Six bodyguards? A bit of an overkill don't you think? And the letter, holly fuck, she cried every time she tried to tell me about the damn letter. What the fuck happened to you? What did you do with the Christian Grey I know?"

"How long can I expect to be kept down here?" My tone is cold even though my emotions are all over the place.

"That is all up to you, Christian. You have to get over her and move on. The minute you are over her, I will let you go. You can get your life back and Anastasia can go wherever she fucking pleases, as long as it's far away from you. We will get you a new sub and pretend like all of this never happened." Okay, that's easy. I'll wait a couple of days and tell her that I decided that Ana was not worth all this and she'll let me go.

"So, you will just take my word for it?" To this she laughs and it's the type of laugh that goes right through your body and I clench my teeth.

"Oh no, darling. Surely you did not forget who you are dealing with. No, no, no, for me to believe that you are truly over Anastasia, you will have to fuck me… hard and good… and for hours. I want to come so hard and so many times that I forget my own name. I remember what it was like with you and after all this time, I can only imagine how good you are now. I want to record it in order to be able to look at it whenever I need to. Also, should you decide to only fuck me to get out of here, I would show it to your precious Anastasia, and really, knowing her like I do now, she will never let you touch her again after she sees how well you fucked me while she was sitting at home crying her eyes out." She is the fucking devil. I will die in here before I ever touch her again and as much as I want to be home with Ana, I can't do that to her. I can't betray her like that… ever. She will never be able to forgive me and I will never be able to live in a world where she hates me.

"I can see in your eyes that that is not going to happen any time soon, so maybe you should take some time to look at the pictures I brought you… no grieving girlfriend for you… sorry. But Christian, if you change your mind, tell Hyde and he will call me. Until then, enjoy the accommodation and I will see you again."

With that, she leaves and I sit on the bed staring at the envelope in my hand, wondering if I really want to know what is in here. Curiosity gets the better of me and I open it only to reveal several photos of Ana.

The first one is of her sitting between Taylor and Ray with tears in her eyes, but going through the photos, it's the only one where she has tears in her eyes. It must have been taken while Ros was giving her speech. In all the other pictures, she looks gorgeous. I look at Ana in every picture in quick succession and my stomach starts to turn and I feel like I'm going to be sick again… she is not grieving for me. Sure, she looks sad, but not nearly as devastated as I would have been if I lost her.

For hours, I stare at the photos. Crying and screaming. Trying to get rid of this pain taking hold of my chest. Elena knew how badly this would affect me and she is probably sitting upstairs enjoying my agony.

"Ana…please, don't do this to us… oh please God, please don't let her move on… please, I can't live without her… I don't want to live without her…I can handle being in here knowing she is safe at Escala with security, but I can't handle the thought of someone else touching her….tasting her… or thinking she will give her heart to someone else. You have to wait for me Ana… you just have to… I don't know how to get out of this, but I will find a way… please just wait for me."

I don't know how long I sat there crying, but the pain didn't go away and I lay down on the bed again. I pull myself into a foetal position staring at one of the photos and softly whispering to her.

"Ana… please… don't do this to us… please… I know you love me… I fucking know it… please, please, please… don't let me turn out to be a fucking fool. It will destroy me if I find out that you didn't love me as much as I love you after everything we've been through… Oh God, please take away this pain."

I fall back onto the bed and stare at the photo of her standing next to Taylor and whispering something in his ear. What is she saying to him? I let my hands travel over her body and then I shoot up so fast that my head spin.

She lost probably close to ten pounds since the crash and she didn't have it to lose as she already lost almost five pounds the week before when we were apart. Fuck! How did I miss that? She might not be crying, but my Ana is most certainly grieving for me. Not that I like the idea of her crying, but the idea of her crying about missing me… or thinking she lost me… is making me feel slightly better on this truly horrible day.

"I miss you too, baby. So fucking much!" I whisper and hold the pictures close to my chest as I fall asleep.

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><p><strong>AN: Well… that's Christian, please review. I'm thinking Ros next when Ana tells her that she is leaving with Taylor for a couple of weeks and of course, as in Eight months, the sub club comes to visit at Escala. Could be interesting… **

**Please review.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: The reviews on this story are amazing. Thank you so very, very much.**

**I'm shocked and amazed at the level of attention some readers pay to the story and how it aligns with the original. So, to keep up with Eight months, I went back a day in this chapter for Taylor's POV of the day of the memorial since it was when the first e-mail was sent to Christian.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Taylor POV:<strong>

19 July 2011.

Gail has a tear running down her cheek as she looks at herself in the mirror and she looks like a woman that is grieving. Dressed in a black wrap dress and black high heels she looks beautiful even though very sad. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her waist from behind and kiss her softly on the top of her head.

"You look beautiful, angel."

"Thank you. Are we ready to go?" I sigh and take my phone out of my pocket to check on the rest of the guys and it seems we are ready to leave. Everyone meets at the elevator and wait for Ana. From the look on everyone's face, they are just as scared as I am about what this day will be like. The suits and ties arrived yesterday and we look like a security team Christian would be proud off.

Ana comes around the corner with in a black dress, similar to Gail's, wearing high heels, light makeup and hair tied in a bun. Her eyes are bright and there is not a tear in sight. Maybe she is in denial?

"Ana, are you ready for this?"

"Taylor, I've not felt this good in a month. Please arrange with Sawyer, Welch and Barney to meet the two of us in Christian's study after the reading of the will. No matter what that will says, we have work to do." I'm confused and wonder what happened in this apartment last night to bring about his severe change in her. She looks like the Ana before the crash, just with a hint of sadness in her eyes.

The fucking paparazzi is screaming questions and we rush to get her inside. I don't want them to upset her as it has not been a bad morning like I thought it would be.

The memorial is like any other, except for the speech Ros made. It was typical Ros… straight and to the point. When she mentions the names she could use to describe Christian, I had to hide my smile as I was present on some of those occasions and those ones are definitely not fit for this setting.

I also agree with Ros, Christian Grey did indeed die a better man because of Ana. She made him want to be a better person and he would have done anything to keep her happy. I see the tears running down her cheek and wonder if this is it. Is this the moment that reality kicks in and she breaks down?

I've seen the looks Elena Lincoln has been giving her all day and when she takes a photo of Ana with her phone, I look at Sawyer who nods to confirm he's seen it as well. For such a close friend of Christian's, I'm surprised she is not crying either. Is everyone in denial today?

When we get up to leave, I'm as shocked as Ana about the group of ladies sitting in the back. When she asks to have them removed, Ryan, Reynolds and I walk over to them quickly. Susanna steps forward as we reach them. I never liked her. With her superior attitude she always had towards me and even Gail, I was surprised to realise she was a sub. Even looking at her now, no one will ever guess that this lady liked to play the role of a submissive.

"Taylor, we just came to pay our respects." Well, since we are skipping through the whole uncomfortable greeting bullshit, I might as well get to the point.

"Susanna, all of you are in breach of the NDA's you signed. I'm going to have to ask you to leave… quickly and quietly." With a lift brow, she puts her hand on her hip and I'm sure this defiant attitude earned her a lot of punishment.

"You mean _Anastasia _wants us out of here. Not that I care. Anyway, Mr. Grey is dead and therefore the NDA's no longer apply." Does she honestly think Christian was that dumb?

"Maybe you should have a good look at those NDA's again… all of you… they are still in force even after death. So you have about five minutes to get the hell out of here and I suggest you abide by the terms of the agreement as I'm sure the Grey family will gladly enforce them to protect Christian's name." For a full minute they stare at each other and then back to me. "Four minutes ladies." And that got their attention and they all leave quickly and quietly just like requested.

We tried to give Ana some space during the next couple of hours until I see Elena making her way over to her. I quickly join them, followed by Sawyer and Ryan.

"Anastasia, you look absolutely stunning considering you supposedly lost the love of your life. I have to tell you that I wanted to vomit when I had to listen to the shit about how Christian became a better man because of you. You made him weak." I move closer to Elena and she glares at me. "Oh, Taylor. Calm down. I'm not going to hurt her in front of all these people. You know, if you have taken better care of Christian, instead of wasting your time protecting this little gold digger, Christian would be here right now."

And there it is, the cold hard fact that I've been struggling with since the crash. It was my responsibility to protect Christian and I failed. Now he is dead and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.

"You know, Elena. You might see me as a gold digger, but at least that is better than a paedophile bitch that used a vulnerable young boy for your own sexual pleasure. As for Taylor, he is not to blame and if you ever, and I mean ever come anywhere near either of us again, I will tell Grace all about how you fucked her fifteen year old son. I wonder just what that would do to your standing in society." Ana is standing up to Elena and I move back to let her handle her by herself. No use in making a scene. Some more words are exchanged and then Ana walks away and we follow.

When it was time for the will to be read, Ana refused to go without me and we make our way to Carrick's study. When the letter is read she starts crying and it is heartbreaking as always to see her like this. I put one arm around her tiny body and she puts her head on my shoulder. When the lawyer carries on with the letter, she keeps quiet, but the tears keep on flowing. At the end of the letter, she rushes out of the study leaving a very concerned group of people behind.

"Taylor, she is not getting any better? She looks like she has not been eating or sleeping. Kate tells me she has not been going to work either. This is not good for her." Carrick is concerned, I know, but they can't force her out of this anymore than we can. Where she is won't make any difference at this stage.

"Don't worry, she has been eating and sleeping. I also informed Mr. Roach that she won't be in until after the memorial. She is fine and I'm sure she will be fine."

"She doesn't look fine, Taylor. I agree with my parents, she should move out of Escala. She still has the room with Kate or she could stay at Bellevue, but with all those memories haunting her in Escala, she will have a breakdown one of these days." I'm surprised at Elliot. He doesn't normally get serious, but he seems very serious about this.

"After today, we will see. If I know Christian Grey, she is not going anywhere, especially after that letter. I understand that everyone wants what is best for her and trust me; Escala is what is best for her. She takes comfort in being near things that remind her of Christian. Leaving Escala is where the problem comes in, which is why she does not go anywhere at the moment."

Ana returns with Kate and the will is read. I again have to fight showing a smile. I would like to see them get her out of an apartment that now legally belongs to her. Anyone can see that she is in total shock, but no one says anything. Christian didn't have to state that Sawyer and I have to look after her safety. That's a given. Whether she wants it or not, she will have permanent security and I will ensure that nothing happens to her.

After a final run in with Elena we go home and meet in Christian's study. It feels strange to be in here without him, but when Ana starts speaking, I'm at a loss for words. But it got me thinking and halfway through her little speech, I was on board. Christian is still alive and what Ana is saying is making a lot of sense.

When she gets up to leave, we all stare at her until the door closes behind her. For a couple of minutes we say nothing and then, "Fuck me. What the hell just happened?"

"Don't know, but I suggest we get to work. Barney, log in on the pc here to do the set up to the e-mail account for Mr. Grey before you leave, just in case Ms. Steele decides to use it tonight. Welch, I suggest you get going and start working on that list. While you are doing that, I've got to make a call to Niehmans as I'm sure Ana didn't take a credit card with her." I make the call and send a text to Sawyer, informing him that Ms. Acton has been briefed and is waiting for them.

After the e-mail for Christian has been set up, the men leave and I go to the security office to test the mail before Ana does. I feel like an idiot… writing an e-mail to a man that has been presumed dead.

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><p><em><strong>From: Jayson Taylor<strong>_

_**To: Christian Grey**_

_**Date: 19 July 2011**_

_**Subject: Status report**_

_Sir,_

_Permission to speak freely. Fuck, I will assume you said yes. This feels stupid, but yes, Ana has me convinced that you are not dead and will come back and I would like to keep you updated on the status regarding your affairs._

_Ms. Steele is broken hearted Sir, and that is putting it mildly. I thought Flynn would have her committed until today. For the first time she actually responded to people around her. Do you know that she was not speaking to anyone for the first two weeks after the crash? I mean no one Sir and since she was not writing to you yet, I have no idea how she survived. She ate, slept and worked out. Nothing else! She did not leave Escala and no one was allowed to enter to visit her. I was out of my depth and thank fuck for Gail, she took really good care of her._

_Well, anyway, Ms. Steele woke up this morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed as she called it. I thought she finally lost it. She asked me to take her to the memorial and to arrange a meeting with myself, Sawyer, Welch, Barney and herself in your office at Escala and to keep it confidential. With no more information… It was all I could think about during the memorial. _

_For the duration of the memorial I stayed next to Ana at all times, of course with your mom and her dad, expecting her to break down. She was so calm and again I thought she was fucking loosing it. _

_After the memorial your will was read and Ana was shocked and seriously, that is like the understatement of the fucking year. But that also caused her to be more determined as she kept saying "This is good. This is good. No one will take what belongs to him." Again, I thought she is about to go over the edge. How much can a small little thing like Ana take anyway?_

_Back at Escala, we all gathered in your office and Sir, this is a direct account of what took place merely an hour ago:_

"_Gentlemen, thank you for coming. I am sure you are all wondering what is going on so I will get straight to the point. First, here is a notepad for each of you to take notes and yes, you will need it._

_Okay, it is time we look for Mr. Grey ourselves. Yes, you heard me, Christian Grey is not dead. I would know if his soul left this earth and I am telling you he is alive. So, until someone shows me his body, you all work for me and you will dedicate as much time to this as I need you to, and gentlemen, that will be a lot. So clear your schedules"_

_Of course, being the stupid men we are, we just stared at her like she is insane. She changed her stance, smiled at us and continued._

"_No, I am not crazy, insane or anything and should you not be writing this down. Come on, start writing, no 1. Clear schedule until further notice. Barney and Welch, I want you to look into the whereabouts of everyone that might have had a grudge against Christian. That means every ex-sub, every unhappy CEO for the last 12 months of the companies he bought out, Jack Hyde and let us not forget the dear Mr. and Mrs Lincoln. We will go through a process of elimination until we have a short list and then ramp up security to see if we can locate Christian. That means look into their financials, known associates, call history and hack into their IT systems if needed. Shit, I don't know how this spy shit works, but do whatever you have to. _

_Barney, Welch, you are not writing this down! Now Taylor, firstly, I want you to find me a couple of trainers. Self defence, endurance, tactical offence, anything you can think off. I will have 12 hours a day starting Monday for training and you should keep me busy. I also want a firearm, licensed of course, with sufficient training scheduled to make me a good shot. Prepare a schedule for me ASAP and I will approve as soon as done and we will start. Secondly, I want you to get, and start training, new security members to take over as soon as Welch gives us a short list. I would think about six additional team members. Did you get all that?"_

"_Yes Ms. Steele."_

"_Sawyer, as we will continue as normal until Mr. Grey is home again, you will be assigned to me again and everywhere I go, you go. Any training I get, you will participate in and also assist with the training where possible. I am sure you can even be one of the trainers being a trained professional yourself. Any questions?"_

"_No, Ms. Steele. Instruction perfectly understood."_

"_Well gentlemen, I suggest you get to it. We will have a meeting every other day at 7 am, or as needed, and I want full progress reports on everything. Now, I will go to get some training outfits."_

_She walked five feet to the door, turned around, looked straight at Sawyer and asked in a calm tone. "Sawyer, aren't you forgetting something?" Shit Sir, he actually looked scared to go with her, but he pulled himself together immediately and followed Ms. Steele to go shopping._

_Barney, Welch and I just sat there and all of the sudden we all said simultaneously "Fuck me! What the hell just happened?" It would have been funny if not so damn weird. _

_Sir, if you ever doubted the level of commitment and unconditional love Ms. Steele has for you, please, stop worrying. You own her. She is yours. Heart, body and soul._

_Well, I feel like a fool, but since I have a list to get to and I really don't want to piss off Ana 2.0, I will have to get going._

_I will update you again soon._

_Regards_

_Jason Taylor_

_Head of personal security, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc._

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><p>I press sent and go to sit with Gail in the kitchen where she is preparing dinner. All and all, the day has not been as bad as I expected.<p>

**A/N: Okay, sorry about this chapter first, Ros and the sub club will be posted very soon. Please review if you have a moment.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: The reviews on this story are amazing. Thank you so very, very much.**

**Time for Ana to shock Ros with the change in her attitude. I think it would have been better if she could tell them that she believes Christian is alive… but **_**that **_**won't go down well.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ros POV:<strong>

20 July 2011.

Again I find myself standing at the elevator in Escala not knowing what to expect. Taylor sent me a text yesterday informing me that Ana is Christian's sole heir, something both Taylor and I expected to a certain degree. I'm still not sure what to make of it, but it sure shows how much he loved and cared for her. She basically does not have to work again for a day in her life and even her children, if she ever has any, doesn't need to work if they don't want to. Christian had a brilliant mind and he was ruthless in business… and he left everything he has worked for to this young woman he has known for just over a month? Love or obsession? With Christian, it must have been both.

But now, Ana is the boss. The last time I pushed her to make a decision, she was just in the role of an approver, but now she is the boss and I'm not sure how to handle that. Will I now still be COO or continue as Acting CEO?

Fuck, better get this over with. I push the button and put on my imaginary big girl panties and head upstairs. When the elevator door opens, I hold my breath and to my surprise, there is no crying and no depressing music playing. I step out and am met by Sawyer.

"Hello, Sawyer. It's so quiet. Is Ana here?" He smiles and gestures with his hand for me to follow.

"Hello, she is in the study with Luke and Welch." In the study? With Welch? How things change in a couple of days.

Sawyer knocks on the door and opens for me to enter. I go in and Ana, Taylor and Welch are sitting around the meeting table discussing several of our competition and some CEO's of companies Christian took over. They stop when they see me and Ana nods to Welch who starts to pack up.

"I will continue to look through all the data and see if I can shorten the list. Updates will be sent to both of you every third day while you are away." Where the hell is she going?

"Thank you." Ana says before walking him to the door and closing it behind him. At the table, Taylor is busy collecting various papers which he puts in a file and then on the desk. I admit, I'm extremely curious as to what they are up to, but don't want to go into that right now.

"Ana, Taylor, nice to see you both. I'm sorry I'm a bit early, but traffic was not as bad as I thought it would be." I take a seat in front of the desk and Taylor comes to sit next to me while Ana takes the seat behind the desk.

She looks good. Her eyes are brighter and not so puffy from crying, although I can see that she must have cried. She is neatly dressed in three quarter pants and a top with sandals and her hair is in a neat ponytail. She almost looks like she did the first time I met her, even though there is sadness in her eyes that she can't hide.

"Hello, Ros. Thank you for coming. I apologize for the short notice and will get straight to the point. I know that you wanted me to start coming in to GEH from next week, but something… unexpected has come up and I will leave today with Taylor for at least two weeks, maybe three. As soon as I'm back, I will start coming to GEH some days and to SIP on others. I'm sure Taylor informed you of the terms of the will?" She looks to Taylor and then to me and lucky Taylor answers. Honestly, I think I'm in shock. This was definitely what I expected to find as I prepared myself mentally for heartbreak Ana, not the Ana sitting in front of me at the moment.

"I only informed Ros that you are Christian's only heir."

"Oh, well… there was also a stipulation regarding the leadership of GEH. Christian wanted you to stay on as acting CEO until such time as I am ready to step in. Honestly, I don't see that happening for at least a year. I guess what I'm saying, or rather asking, is if you would be interested in staying in the position as CEO for the next twelve months? I would like it if you could teach me how things are done, how to manage it and things like that. When I'm back, I would like to attend the weekly head of departments meeting to learn about what the role of each department is and how it is run as well." _Did I mention that I was in shock?_ What happened to the broken Ana I saw just days ago? Whatever it is, it must be fucking _huge_ to have_ this_ affect on her.

"Of course I would stay as acting CEO for a period of twelve months, but Ana, I won't be able to do it for longer than that. We are looking at adopting a baby and I don't want to do that while running GEH as CEO. You will have to really pay attention and learn as much as you can as twelve months is a really short time to learn how to run a company the size of GEH, not even taking SIP into account, which is still a new acquisition. Speaking of which, we will have to start with the integration as soon as you come back. SIP can't continue to trade as a separate entity and has to start trading as a division of GEH. The integration was put on hold until the will was read and now that we know you are the owner of… well… everything, we should start with that as soon as possible." I lean forward and put my hands on the desk, "This won't be easy Ana, but you will have to trust us to do what is best. All major decisions will still be run by you for approval, but if you try to take on too much too soon, you will be overwhelmed and no training will take place. We have a strong team and between Taylor, Welch, Barney, Welch and me, we will guide and teach you. I'm just scared that you will try and take on too much and burn yourself up or worse, give up completely." I'm genuinely afraid that she will burn herself out. She won't give up, it's not in her nature, but burning herself out is a different story. She would want to prove to everyone that she can do this and with her new bank balance, she has nothing to prove.

"I understand. We will take it slow and I will learn as much as I can. We wanted to keep the details of the will under wraps for the time being, but it is apparently not going to happen. I'm not sure what the integration of SIP will entail, but as soon as I'm back, we will get that done. If there is anything that can be done in preparation, please start with that in the meantime." I give Taylor a look that he knows well by now and he excuses himself immediately. When he closes the door, I turn back to Ana.

"Ana, I don't think you should go away for three weeks at this stage. The news of the new owner of GEH is bound to hit the press by morning and it will be chaos. They would want a statement and the rumours that can spread with regards to your absence are a concern for me. Could you not postpone?" She sighs and looks out the window for a couple of seconds before looking back to me. It looks as if she is having some internal battle.

"Please don't tell another living soul, but we are going to investigate the crash site ourselves. I know it won't bring him back, but… I have to do this Ros. I have no body to say goodbye to… I have to… I don't know… be where he was last I guess." For a moment I could see a glimpse of the broken Ana and I decide to just let her do this and not try to interfere.

"I understand. I will handle the media for the time being and promise them a statement in three week's time. I will get Sam to prepare something in the meantime and we can take it from there. What do you want me to do with Christian's office?" Her head snaps up and she looks at me like she doesn't understand what I mean before she composes herself.

"Leave everything as it is. When I'm at GEH I will use his office. I don't want anything moved or changed." This must be part of the grieving process, but I'm not sure. I can bet that if I look into his closet in a couple of months, his things will be exactly the way he left it… kind of creepy if you ask me.

"I will see that nothing is moved. What are we going to do with Andrea and Olivia? I already have Michelle and don't need more PA's."

"Leave them where they are as well. Maybe they can help me with some things when I'm there or help you with the integration of SIP. I'm not sure… I'm not sure about anything right now… but I don't want to disrupt their lives as well. Apart from going on this trip, I honestly don't know what to do or where to even start. The bank manager and Christian's lawyer is coming with papers for me to sign and Carrick will come over to see that everything is in order." She sits back with her hand over her face and speaks without removing them, "Ros, everything is a mess. I… what do I do? Where do I start? What about my job?" And as much as I wanted to keep from laughing at that question, I can't and I burst out laughing. Ana removes her hand slowly.

"Are you laughing at me? This isn't funny, Ros." She looks genuinely shocked by my reaction and I laugh harder. Fuck, she is just so adorable. Now I know why Christian laughed so much since he met her.

"Ana, honey, you don't seriously stress about your intern job at SIP do you? I mean fuck, you are a freaking billionaire. Billionaires don't intern as assistants or acting editors or whatever… at their own companies."

"I didn't think of it like that. I suppose you have a point."

"As for the rest of it, why don't you take these three weeks and do what you have to do? When you come back, we will start at the beginning and work our way up. While the bank manager is coming over, I will give him a call to make sure he brings a credit card with him. You will need it with all the shit you are going to be doing and I'm sure you won't like walking around with no money on you." She looks uncomfortable and I remember Christian telling me about her refusal for him to buy her things. "Ana… he left it for you… all of it… it's yours now… he wanted you to have all this. Spend it. Do some retail therapy. Hell, if you don't know how, I'll come with you. But, don't be too scared, uncomfortable or proud to spend money. Anyway, there is no way in hell your spending could ever make a dent in that bank account."

She opens the drawer of the desk and puts a black Amex on the desk with her name on it.

"I found this in here this morning when I was looking for some papers Welch needed. Taylor phoned the bank and it is already activated and ready to be used. I'm not sure when Christian got this or how I would have reacted if he gave it to me. I guess that's why it's still in here… he was scared of my reaction." I'm not sure if that last part was meant for me as she said it so softly and with such sadness, that she might have said it to herself.

"Ana, I'm not your typical woman who likes to gossip and go to spa's, but I do like to shop and go for lunch. If you ever need to talk or need someone to go with you, call me." I sit back and change back to the acting CEO that I now am. "That being said, there is a lot to do. As you will most probably have nights where you will have nothing to do, and month end is in just ten days, I will e-mail you the month end reports to go through. When you are back, we will sit down and I will discuss it with you in more detail. Obviously not every transaction at first, but the overall income statement with detail on big overspents. I'll show you how it works and how to read it. We will take things from there. Don't worry about GEH, I will take care of everything for now." I get up to leave as I have a meeting in forty minutes at GEH.

"Ros… thank you. I'm not sure what I would do without you and Taylor. I will see you when I get back. Please tell Andrea and Olivia that they will not be moving and they will not lose their jobs either. I don't want them to worry." I nod and when I get to the door, she calls me back. "Ros, while I'm gone, please can you get the legal documents as well as other relevant documentation and the last financial statements for Esclava?"

"The salons?"

"Yes, I need you to explain to me how the shares and stuff is structured and exactly what my rights are with regards to them." What is going on in this woman's head? There are bigger things to worry about than the small contribution Esclava is contributing to our portfolio.

"Sure, but may I ask why? It seems like a strange request."

"I can't really tell you why, but let's just say that Elena Lincoln and I don't really see eye to eye." Something tells me there is a story here.

"Don't tell me… you and Botox Barbie doesn't get along? Well shit honey, that woman was so in love with Christian, it was nauseating. For fuck sakes, he could have been her son. Honestly, I can't blame you for hating the woman and nothing will give me more satisfaction that receiving instruction from you to sell those shares." I feel my stomach twist just thinking about how she always looked at Christian and he seemed totally oblivious. But Christian Grey, never missed anything so he must have noticed it but chose to ignore it. Either way, I never liked the blond bitch with her condescending attitude, clothes one size too small and definitely not suitable for her age.

"No, I don't think we should sell it. She hates the fact that I now own those shares and I think I will use them at the moment to torture her a bit. I want us to go through that contract very closely and see what my rights are as shareholder and then enforce every single right as far as possible. Knowing Christian, he probably let her do whatever she wants and not even blinking an eye if she didn't show profit as he didn't go into the venture for profit." Well, this is news to me. Christian always went for the profit and made sure that every single division is highly profitable and well managed. That being said, I'm fucking glad I'm not an enemy of Anastasia Steele. As she is speaking of Elena Lincoln, her eyes are cold with a calculated look, much like Christian looked most of the time. She obviously has strong feelings regarding Elena and I'm pretty sure the feelings towards Elena that I see in her eyes at the moment, is pure hatred. If you asked me yesterday, I would have told you that Anastasia Steele is incapable of hatred towards anyone, but not today… not with _that _look in her normally gentle blue eyes.

"I see. Okay, I'll get all the information for you as well as financial history." I open the door and look back to Ana staring at a photo of her and Christian taken in Portland at her graduation. "Ana, please take care of yourself. You have over forty thousand people that now depend on you and it is a huge responsibility."

"Thank you for what you said yesterday… at the memorial." She whispers and looks down, effectively dismissing me. I smile to myself… Christian taught her well in such a short time.

"Meant every word." I say as I close the door behind me and go to look for Taylor.

I find him in the security office behind his desk going through a list in front of him.

"Taylor, do you have a minute?" He looks up with a frown and I close the door behind me.

"What's up?"

"What's up? You tell me, Taylor. What the_ fuck_ happened to Anastasia? I saw her days ago and she was so broken that I thought I would never see her without tears again. Today, I walk in here to find her like… well… I don't really know… like Christian's ghost took over her body. I still see glimpses of the grieving Ana, but mostly, she turned into a female version of Christian… in training. She's not a ruthless, cold hearted, manipulative bastard yet… but at this rate..." I fall down in the seat by his desk and sigh loudly.

"She woke up like that yesterday. Don't ask me what happened the night before the memorial, but I think _this_ Ana is here to stay. She is dedicated and focused and I think she will be just fine." He looks down at his hands, "She will never be over him and will constantly ask 'What would Christian do?'. She has a brilliant mind and can spot bullshit a mile away… Christian learned that the hard way." He smiles at some memory he must have of that particular statement, but my time is up, so I stand and walk back to the door.

"Make sure she doesn't burn herself out. She's young and I don't think she is quite ready for the shit storm that is about to become her life. Christian is not here to protect her so we will have to do that for him." I turn and walk to the elevator. Once inside, I look up again.

"Christian… what the fuck did you do? She is not ready for this. But fuck, I will help her and when I get to the afterlife and see you, I will slap you behind your head before I hug you. I just hope she survives with the stress that is coming her way."

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you for reading this. Poor Ros is going to get whiplash with Ana's severe change in attitude for the next couple of months. Obviously no one can tell her what is going on.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Yes, as always, a big thanks for all the reviews.**

**Without any further notes, on to the sub club confrontation.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ana POV:<strong>

20 July 2011.

The meeting with Ros went a lot better than I thought it would. I'm getting ready to go to SIP to discuss things with Roach and Elizabeth and start up my laptop to write to Christian first.

Things are a bit better now that I'm sure he is out there somewhere, but the absence of him in my life is still getting to me a lot. I would do anything to feel his arms around me right now and to hear him say that everything will be okay.

_**From: Anastasia Steele**_

_**To: Christian Grey**_

_**Date: 20 July 2011**_

_**Subject: Good morning baby**_

_Hi Baby,_

_Yesterday was the memorial service Grace arranged for you. It was beautiful, even though I feel that it was not necessary as you are coming back. I just know it, you are out there somewhere and we will find you. Taylor agreed this yesterday to help me and, no matter how long it takes, I will find you again. We will find you!_

_I could not bring myself to cry. How can I cry over loosing the love of my life if he is not dead? How can I mourn if I have not lost anything accept you by my side every day?_

_You would not believe how fucking livid I was to see two rows of brown haired ex-subs sitting in the back of the church. The fucking nerve of these ladies, do they have no pride or self respect or shit, even respect for the dead and their families. It's like they formed the ex-sub-club or something. Anyway, I will tell you what happened with that later, much later I think. Let's just say, it was not pleasant._

_I hope you are safe, warm and well fed. _

_I love you baby, so much that I can't even breath without you. I will get up and I will work hard and I will find you. _

_We will be together again baby._

_Always and Forever yours,_

_Anastasia._

As I get to the great room, Taylor comes in looking somewhere between surprised and furious. I wonder what happened now. We need to get going if we want to leave for the crash site before the end of the day and I really want to leave today still.

"Taylor, what's up?"

"Ana, there are… ladies down stairs wanting to speak to you. I would have simply refused them access, but I honestly don't think they will go away before they have spoken to you." Ladies… hmmm, I get the idea that ladies are not the term I would use if my suspicion is correct.

"I don't want a scene downstairs so please let them up. Also get everyone ready to leave the minute they are gone. We will go to SIP first and leave as soon as we get back. I want both you and Luke to come with me."

Taylor leaves to let the visitors in and I pray for patience. Can these ladies not understand that Christian is gone? What type of woman would knock on the door of a woman who lost the love of her life the day after his memorial service? I go to the fridge and get a sparkling water as my throat is suddenly very dry. It also gives me non-lethal ammunition in case I lose my cool.

The ladies walk into the great room and some of them just make themselves at home, as if they belong here. If their presence were not enough to piss me off, their total lack of respect towards me surely did the trick.

"What can I do for you?" No need for chit chat, I just want to get them the hell out of here.

"Hello, my name is Susannah. We would like to discuss a rather sensitive matter with you."

"I really don't have time for this right now as I have somewhere I need to be, so why don't you get right to the point?" She is clearly surprised by my attitude and gestures for three of the girls to come forward. The fact that they all have a remarkable resemblance to me is starting to make me curse Christian Grey, wherever he might be right now. But I already knew they all did and I also know the reason why, so I calm down when Taylor comes to stand next to me in silent support.

"Anastasia, these three ladies were still being supported by Mr. Grey prior to his death. He still paid various things for them like study fees, mortgages and medical expenses. What we would like to know, is that if you would be willing to continue to… support them in some way?" I think I'm in shock. What the fuck do they have between their ears?

"You did get the news that Christian Grey is dead, right?" Maybe they are in denial.

"Uhm… yes, we did. We just thought that since you… inherited his estate…" Susannah continues and I look at Taylor, who appears to be in shock just like I am. Maybe I should help them out here.

"What? That I inherited his past as well?" No one answers, not even a nod. I grip the bottle of water tightly and I am truly capable of murder right now. How dare these ladies come in here and ask the grieving girlfriend of their former lover to continue with financial support towards them?

"No. It's just that Mr. Grey was supporting them and if you inherited his estate, you should want to respect his wishes. If he was still supporting them, surely you would continue to do so." And that's it. Harsh or not, these ladies will learn today that I will not be walked over and they will not use Christian's past against me for future assistance.

"Again, Christian Grey is dead. He is no longer able to give financial support to anyone. Christian's will _obviously _did not mention anything regarding financial support to continue to three of his _ex-submissives._ Whatever I inherited, is non of your business. I have no history with any of you and therefore no financial responsibility towards any of you. The fact that you attended the memorial, with a NDA clearly indicating that it's not permitted, or that you saw it fit to come into our home and demand continued financial support the day after Christian's memorial, speaks volumes about your character." That sure got their attention and the one's that saw it fit to make themselves at home, quickly got up to stand next to the rest. "Let me make something very clear to you. I was not Christian's sub. I was not under any form of contract. I was his girlfriend. I shared his bed, his home and his life. Your actions are shocking to say the very least. I'm trying to understand where you are coming from, but I don't. I don't understand how anyone can be this insensitive towards another person. I'm grieving and you decided to choose this moment to come and see me." Apart from a couple of ladies that looks remorseful, the rest all stand in front of me… tall and proud, as if I'm the one that's in the wrong here. Time to get them the fuck out of here.

"Apart from Leila Williams, no one in this room will get any support from me. Financial or otherwise. I will not take any calls from any of you. Taylor will not allow any of you to get near me again. I do not want to see any of you _ever_ again. I will continue to make sure Leila gets the treatment she needs and when done, that she gets back on her feed. I will support her in any way I can until I feel that she can stand on her own." The three ladies in front look close to tears and I suspect that it is the three that wanted financial support, but I'm just to mad right now to care about any of them. I look each lady in the eye before finishing, "Furthermore, I would like to remind you that the NDA's you signed are still enforceable even though Mr. Grey is dead and it includes conversations with me and Taylor as well. You will not be allowed to enter GEH or any property in the name of Christian Grey, or soon to be Anastasia Steele. You should also remember that I do have the means to enforce it should any of you decide to violate the terms of the agreement. Now, you will have to excuse me as I have somewhere I need to be." I turn to Taylor and nod before I simply walk away. My mother would have a heart attack if she saw how rude I'm being right now, but surely they did not expect anything else from me today of all days.

I grab my bag and phone and take my time to fix my appearance in order to give Taylor sufficient time to get the subs out of our apartment. When I'm done, I walk towards the elevator to find Taylor and Sawyer there waiting for me. I'm nervous as to what I will find at SIP and Taylor smiles to get me to relax and it actually does help a bit.

At SIP we are shown up and taken to a boardroom. Maybe Roach did get the notification about the will after all.

"Anastasia, it's so good to see you again. Please, take a seat." I take a seat next to him and show Taylor to take the seat next to me. Sawyer wanted to stay outside the door and Elizabeth is sitting across from me looking as nervous as I am.

"Thank you for agreeing to see me. You remember Jason Taylor, head of personal security for me." Now they look confused and I'm beginning to wonder what they thought this meeting was about.

"Ana, we actually wanted to call you to talk to you about your position here at SIP. We understand that you are going through a personal crisis, but at the end of the day, we have a business to run and you have not been working here long enough to justify the time we have already allowed you to take off. I know the memorial service for Mr. Grey was only yesterday and you are still grieving, but… this is very difficult for me to say." Shame, it really does look difficult for him, but I would like to hear the rest of that speech so I keep quiet and wait for him to continue. "Ana, we will have to discuss the possibility of maybe… I don't know. How long do you think you will still need before you return to work full time?"

"Mr. Roach, that is why I'm here too. I don't know if anyone has notified you of the contents of the will."

"No, we received no notification yet."

"Taylor will inform the lawyer to get a notification to you as soon as possible. I am the sole heir to Christian's estate and therefore the new owner of SIP as well." I wait for a minute for that unexpected news to settle in before I continue, "It was as much of a shock to me as I'm sure it is to you. Understandably, I would not be able to continue my current employment as Acting editor as I have a lot of new responsibilities," like finding Christian, "and limited time. I was hoping that we could come to some sort of agreement that I'm still involved and not just as part of management, but with the actual publishing as well. I'm going to be unavailable for the next three weeks at least, but when I return, I will be here at least two days a week to learn about the running of SIP as well as any editing you can give me to do."

"Ana, as Christian heir, running GEH, SIP and then still do editing will burn you out in no time. This must be very overwhelming for you and I can see why you would need three weeks to get on your feet… hell, I would need a lot more than that if I were you." It's comforting that he understands what goes along with inheriting Christian's estate. "That being said, I'm not sure if you are aware, but I spoke to Christian before his death about the fact that I would like to retire at the end of the year." I almost close my eyes and sigh loudly at this as it so does not fit into my plan right now, but that just means that we will have to find Christian as soon as possible.

"I was not aware and I'm not really sure of anything right now, so we will have to discuss that again in a couple of months."

"Ana, what would you like your role in SIP to be at the moment?" Elizabeth speaks up for the first time.

"For the next three weeks, I will definitely not be at the office, but I would like to take a couple of manuscripts with me if possible. There will be time during the day and in the evenings that I would like to do some reading and editing. I will send notes to Hanna as I would like her to remain my assistant. When I'm back, I will be here on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Some of that time I would like Mr. Roach to teach me about the running of SIP and the rest of the time do the normal duties of an editor. I know this is not normally how things are done and I would appreciate your support on this." It's not like they have a choice since I am the owner until Christian is back.

"That won't be a problem, Ana. Who knows, maybe everything works out and you can take over from me when it's time for me to go?"

"Yes, who knows? Well, if there is nothing more, I will have to get going as we still need to leave tonight. Ros Baily at GEH will be available in case of emergency. I will be back in three weeks and will see you then."

"There's nothing more, Ana. Please take care of yourself and we will see you when you get back." We get up and Roach puts his hand on my shoulder, "Take this time to get over this, Ana. Unfortunately there is no miracle cure that will make you feel better. There will be good days and there will be bad days. The best you can do, is learn how to live during the good days and how to survive the bad days. Eventually, there will be more good days than bad days until one day, you wake up to find the wounds have healed to some extend and you can fall asleep without crying." The sadness in his eyes tells me that there is a story there and that he speaks from experience.

When we arrive home, we find the entire security team, together with no less than eight new men, waiting in the great room. Welch explains that they are all ex-seals and that all of them have been briefed and have signed the NDA's. Welch will stay behind to meet the team that will be doing the investigation on Charlie Tango, but the men will join Taylor and the rest of his team on the search of the crash site. They are all very polite and Taylor assures me there won't be any problems.

We are booked into a motel about fifteen miles from the crash site and due to the large number of people in our team; Taylor has booked out the entire motel that will ultimately be our base of operation for the next three weeks. The motel is definitely not what any of the men are used to, especially Taylor that is used to travelling with Christian, but there are no complaints as we are shown to our rooms. Taylor and Sawyer are naturally taking the rooms on both sides of mine.

We decided to have dinner in our respective rooms to relax before the work officially starts. I start up my laptop again to send another e-mail to Christian before turning in for the night.

_**From: Anastasia Steele**_

_**To: Christian Grey**_

_**Date: 20 July 2011**_

_**Subject: Good night, Christian**_

_Hello Christian,_

_We arrived at a motel close to the crash site a couple of hours ago and will officially start the search for you first thing in the morning. I truly hope that we will find something that can give us a clue as to who took you away from me._

_Today was not so bad, but I know that the not-so-bad days will be limited as the time goes by without you close to me._

_Roach told me today that the best I can do is to learn to live during good days and how to survive the bad days. That eventually there will be more good days than bad days until I find one day that the wound have healed and I can fall asleep without crying. _

_It is great advice for someone who lost some to the dead, but I don't want that. I don't want more good days than bad days. I don't want to fall asleep without crying… _

_Not until I fall asleep in your arms. _

_Always and Forever yours,_

_Anastasia._

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><p><strong>AN: Hope you liked it. Feel free to let me know what you think.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Yes, as always, a big thanks for all the reviews.**

**I will not write too much about the search of the crash site as we all know that they found nothing.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Taylor POV:<strong>

21 July 2011.

"Welch, I need you to contact every hospital in a 250 mile radius from the crash site. Find out if any unidentified patients were admitted since the 18th of June. Don't give them a description of Mr. Grey; see if they will give you a description and if it matches Mr. Grey even just a bit, phone me as soon as you find something and I will go to follow up. There is no way that Mr. Grey survived that crash without any injuries and even if this is revenge and not ransom, surely they would take him to a hospital for treatment." Ana is determined to look for Christian from every possible angle and even though I'm not too sure, I will rather follow her instruction than piss her off even more.

"T, don't tell Ms. Steele, but I don't think they would. If this was ransom, they would have contracted us by now. If this was not ransom, but revenge, they would enjoy the fact that he is in pain. Either way, the kidnappers would definitely not risk being caught by taking him for treatment. Best case, this was not kidnapping for ransom or otherwise and he is simply missing or something, but still… he is the most well known person in Seattle if not the West Coast, there is no way that he will walk around without being noticed." Does he really think I have not thought about this too?

"Welch, I know that and you know that. Would you like me to get Ana on the phone for _you_ to tell _her_ that? Because it will sure as hell not come from me."

"Are you fucking insane? Pre-crash Ana, sure… no problem, but post-crash Ana… no way. She is a dangerous combination of lonely, depressed, pissed and frustrated… _and_ she's a woman… which makes_ that_ particular combination _lethal."_ I tend to agree with that assessment and I don't think we will see much of pre-crash Ana until Christian is found.

"Now that we have_ that _settled, if she wants us to contact every hospital in the US, I suggest we shut up and get to work. She is lonely and worried about him. Pissed that she has to live without him. Unsure of what her future will be like and convinced, without any room for doubt, that he is alive. I'm not going to go against her wishes and neither will you. She is our employer now and whatever the fuck she wants, she will get." I soften my voice and decide to lighten the mood, "At least we don't get strange, totally out of our comfort zone, requests from her, so be glad." At the end of the day, we get paid for our time and we have to do what the fuck she tells us during that time.

"You're right; I could be sitting here running back ground checks on brunettes that all look the same. By the way, I heard that just before we got there yesterday, that a certain group of brunettes paid Ms. Steele a visit. Now,_ that_ must have been interesting. I'm actually sorry I missed it. Did she go nuclear?" When you really think about it, men are not that different from women after all. Gossip makes everyone feel better and we are sometimes even worse than women.

"They wanted money from her for expenses that Mr. Grey apparently contributed towards for three of the ladies. He did it in order to help them get on their feet, but they saw it as an additional income which they no longer have. Now that he is dead, they were hoping that Ana would support them financially." I say softly while looking around for Ana. "Susannah said something about Ana respecting Mr. Grey's wishes and Ana informed her that Christian's will made no mention of Christian wanting her to continue with financial support towards three of his ex-subs. Fuck, I had to bite the inside of my cheek in order to stop myself from laughing. She handled it extremely well before she made a show of walking away and leaving them in the great room for me to escort out of the building." I should actually safe the footage on my hard drive to look at again.

"Are you fucking kidding? They _fucked _her _boyfriend _and now they want _Ana_ to _support_ them after _his _death. That is just plain sick man. What fucked up person would expect that from her?"

"You know as much about these girls as I do and you're asking me? The same fucked up girls who would sign an NDA and a contract in order to get fucked and whipped by someone they have no romantic relationship with and have never met before they were _interviewed_. In return, they get no love, no affection, no companionship, no security… the only thing they walk out with is a car, some jewellery if they were very good, clothes that they will definitely never wear again and in some rare cases, financial support for a couple of months. _That _is the type of ladies Ana had to deal with yesterday. Honestly, I was as shocked as she was. I would never, in a million years, have thought that the stuck up bitches that treated me like a servant, would have the balls to face Ana. Although, come to think of it, they did not since they approached her in a fucking ex-sub mob." I still get pissed that Christian's past is now affecting this young woman during such a difficult time.

"I wonder what Mr. Grey would have done if he were there?" And I laugh.

"Told them to get the fuck out of his house and then begged Ana not to be pissed and leave him." Yep, that sounds about right. "Keep me updated, I have to go."

When Christian started to pursue Ana, I was not pleased. With his history and her innocence, it was bound to end up in heart break… for her. I did not think that there was any possibility of these two having a normal relationship. When he informed me about a trip to Portland for no apparent business reason, I wanted to kick his ass. I knew he was going there to see Ana. Then nothing happened and I started to relax until he went back again with Elliot. I was actually contemplating murder when I had to go out early on the Saturday morning to buy her some clothes.

Things just went on from there and when Christian started to change, I started to relax. In the short weeks that followed, I saw how much he has come to depend on her presence and how protective he was over her. Then he did the seemingly unforgivable and she left. He did what we all expected… he fucked up, although non of us thought he would do it so quickly. As I drove her home, I wanted to tell her to run and never look back, but I also felt sad to go back and face the ruthless, closed off man that he was before. I still don't know what exactly happened, but I have a pretty good idea. During the next five days, I have never seen anyone as broken as Christian was. It was like he lost his will to live… until he got it back.

Now, it has been taken away from him again and I'm truly scared for him. I'm worried about his state of mind. He is incapable of living without Ana and during the last couple of weeks, I have determined that the same goes for her. She can absolutely not live without him. She stayed through Christian's need to control. She stayed through the shit with Leila. And she stayed even after his confession _after_ the shit hit the fan with Leila. She just stayed. _Now she's here and he's gone._

What if he becomes so closed off, that he won't be able to open up to her again when we find him? What if we find him and he is broken beyond repair? Or worse, what if we find him and he leaves her under the impression that it's for her own good? She will not survive and neither would he.

With renewed determination, I walk over to the actual crash site while the rest of the team divided into groups and each group was given an area to cover. By the time we are done, we would have covered the entire area surrounding the crash site. At the actual crash site we found very little. Scraps of material, plastic and iron, were found and it was boxed and sent to Welch. The surrounding area is very dense with trees and I tend to agree with the experts; if Christian did fall out of the helicopter, which I highly doubt as he would never fly without being securely strapped in, there is no way he would have survived. I grab my phone and call Welch back.

"Welch, ask the investigator to check for me if the harnesses on Charlie Tango were broken or in any way tampered with. Mr. Grey would not fly without all occupants being properly strapped in."

"Will do,T." I disconnect and walk over to where Ana is sitting. It's in the area where Ros was found, still unconscious.

Come to think of it, how did the search and rescue team find her? This is not on their planned route… actually, its way, way out. I take my phone again and hold a finger up for Ana when she starts to speak.

"Detective Clark, I'm sorry to bother you this late. It's Jason Taylor. I just have a quick question for you."

"Sure, but is this still about the death of Christian Grey?" We have bombarded him about questions regarding the crash and rescue efforts and he is understandably starting to get annoyed.

"Yes, it is. I'm standing at the crash site and was wondering how the search and rescue team knew where to look. It is not anywhere near the route they were supposed to take and there are no houses in the area that could have witnessed the crash."

"If I remember correctly, there was an anonymous tip off received by the Portland Police Department." _Anonymous my ass!_

"Was the call ever traced?"

"Naturally, Mr. Taylor. We do know how to do our jobs." Okay, now I pissed him off.

"I didn't mean to offend you Detective. I'm also just doing my job."

He sighs loudly in my ear, "The call was traced to a payphone at a restaurant just outside Portland. We did gather whatever fingerprints we would get, but nothing out of the ordinary was found." There is a moment of silence and I guess it was for him to connect the dots. "There is no way he survived the crash, you do realise that. Even if he did and he was… taken by force after the crash, they would have contacted the family by now to collect ransom." Ana is now standing in front of me, waiting for the call to end in order for me to fill her in.

"Just dotting the i's and crossing the t's, Detective. Thank you for your time."

I end the call and put the phone back in my pocket before looking down into her expectant eyes.

"Another dead end." Surprisingly, the news of yet another dead end doesn't upset her. She is not expecting this to be easy or quick and for that I'm grateful. "I asked Welch to check if the harnesses of Charlie Tango were tampered with. Even during a crash, the harnesses fitted to that helicopter would not break. Christian chose only the best and those are the best money can buy."

"I know." She smiles and I can just imagine what she is thinking right now. I'm well aware of Christian's fondness for bondage and they did fly back to Seattle one weekend. Knowing Christian, he found some way to use that as part of his seduction of a completely innocent girl.

Unfortunately, Gail and I are both well aware of just _how_ innocent she was when they met. When Gail discovered the proof of her innocence, it took a lot of convincing in order to get her to reconsider resigning immediately. I've never seen Gail as furious as I have that day and she hadn't even met her yet. With furious, I mean homicidal. When I showed her footage of Ana, she almost went nuclear and it took a couple days for her to calm down completely. Actually, she didn't come down until she realised that they were sharing Christian's room as opposed to her sleeping in the sub's room. After the first morning Christian and Ana had breakfast together that she prepared, she was practically planning their wedding. She thanked God every night for bringing Ana into Christian's life and turning him into the man she knew he could be. I was thanking divine intervention for giving Ms. Kavanagh the flu.

"Mind telling me what you are thinking about?" I'm drawn out of my daydreaming by a curious Ana.

"Oh, just some random thoughts… divine intervention, homicide and proof of innocence." I wave my hand dismissively as there is no way she will have any clue as to what that means.

"You are a strange man some times, Mr. Taylor." She says and walks towards the SUV.

The sun is almost setting and it has been a long day for all of us. I lift my arm and tell the team that it's time to call it a day. We will continue again in the morning.

Back at the motel, we have dinner together before everyone goes to their respective rooms. When Ana makes no move to get up, I sit back down with Sawyer by my side.

"Ana?" I ask softly and she lifts her head.

"It's been a long day, guys. Go and get some sleep, I will see you in the morning."

"We will do that as soon as you tell us what is going on. There is also no way that we are leaving you here by yourself." Sawyer knows Ana well and he will not leave her unprotected in a place like this.

"I was just thinking… if Christian was not kidnapped, do you think we would we still be together?" Really? That is what she is thinking about? What is it with women and insecurity?

"Ana, if Christian was not kidnapped, your name would not still be Ana Steele. If there is one thing you can be sure off, it's that Christian Grey loves you to the point of obsession… just like you love him."

"Thank you, Taylor. And thank you to both of you for helping me with this. I know I sound insane and you are going on what I believe in my heart to be true, but I know Christian is not dead. I don't have proof and the fact that you guys are going with me on this with no proof, means a lot to me."

"Ana, we would do anything for you and if there is even a slight possibility that Christian is alive, I would do anything to find him. It was my job to protect him and no matter what you say, it still feels as if I failed him."

"Okay, let's get to bed."

We walk her to her door and when I hear the door being locked, I nod to Sawyer and go to bed. Working for Christian rarely involved actual work, so this is rather exhausting. In bed, I take my phone to call Gail before I go to sleep.

"Hello." I glance at the clock and it's too early for her to be asleep, but something is definitely wrong.

"Angel, have you been crying?"

"Yes. I already miss you… I miss Mr. Grey… I feel sorry for Ana… and I'm visiting my sister when I would much rather be in Escala with all of you."

"Oh, Angel. I miss you, too. We will be as quick as we can and will be back before you know it."

"Just find him, Jason. He needs to come home now and fix that poor girls heart. I will be fine, a few tears won't kill me."

"I'll find him, Gail, but it will take some time from the looks of it. This was well planned and I honestly have no clue of where to start looking. But, if it takes weeks, months or years, I will find Christian and I will bring him home." And failing is not in my nature.

"I know you will, baby. How was your day?"

"Exhausting. I'm not used to physical work like this anymore. Working for Christian Grey spoiled me. Working for Anastasia Steele is going to make me lose weight."

She laughs and that makes me smile. Gail Jones has the best laugh in the world and it has the ability to get me to relax instantly.

"I love you, Gail."

"I love you, too, Jason. Sleep well and I will talk to you again tomorrow. Give my regards to Ana."

"I will. Talk to you tomorrow. Bye."

She ends the call and I stare at the wallpaper of my phone. I wanted to ask her to marry me before Christmas, but how can I possibly do that now? How can I get my happily ever after while Christian is missing and Ana is alone and unhappy?

I drift of to sleep with the promise to ask Gail to marry me as soon as Christian is found and the shit storm, which is sure to follow his rescue, has blown over.

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><p><strong>AN: Please review.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Yes, as always, big thanks for all the reviews I've received for this story so far.**

**I know that no one will complain about the long update as I've been finalizing the last chapters of Eight months, but I apologize anyway. I have great ideas for this story and can't wait to spend more time on it. But, since I'm studying at the age category of 30+, I'll have to spend a lot of time during the next couple of weeks on that too. **

**This is all about the training that Ana will receive.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Taylor POV:<strong>

_6 August 2011._

Two and a half weeks and we found nothing new. Apart from confirmation that Charlie Tango was indeed tampered with and that not one, but both engines failed prior to the crash, no new information was obtained. Christian is fanatical about security and Charlie Tango is best in her class. There is just no way that both engines would fail at the same time of not tampered with.

I have the training programmes and a schedule ready to present to Ana as soon as we get back to Escala. There will be absolutely no stopping her to go along when we extract Christian if she completes her training. Scrap that, when she completes her training. She might lack physical strength, but she makes that up with sheer determination at this stage. She's not been herself lately. Her emotions are all over the place with her longing for Christian. I would never have believed, in a million years, that Christian Grey would have this profound effect on another person. Right in front of my eyes, Ms. Steele has gone from insecure, timid, naïve and innocent to strong, sophisticated, determined and yes… lonely too. Her contagious cheerfulness that we all fell in love with died the day Charlie Tango went down.

When we finally arrive back at Escala, I'm glad to be home. Gail is scheduled to return in two days and I will have to get as much done before then in order to spend some quality time with her. As bad as I feel for Ana's loneliness and Christian being kept somewhere against his will, I still have a life to live and if I want my happily ever after, I will have to ensure I don't fuck this up with Gail in the process. I'm still determined to find Christian and restore order in our lives, but I will have to make time for my life too if I don't want it to end the day I bring Christian home.

After a longer than needed shower, I get dressed in a black t-shirt and faded jean with black boots. Give myself a once over in the mirror before going out to face an exhausted and disappointed Anastasia Steele, not at all surprised to finally find her in Christian's closet.

"Ana?" I ask and she looks up. She looks so young in these vulnerable moments and I hate that I forget sometimes that she is only turning twenty two in September. No one should have this much sorrow in their lives at such and early age.

"Nothing Taylor. We've basically wasted almost three weeks. Maybe…if we…" she stops and looks down again.

"Ana, no if's and no but's. We make the best decision we can with the information at hand and we live with them. If we didn't go ourselves, we would be sitting here wondering what if's because we didn't. We will find him, Ana. I promised you that we will and I'm going to keep that promise." I reach down and help her up, forcing her to look me straight in the eye and see the conviction of the words, "I will find Christian."

"Okay. Let's go talk about that schedule. Bastille should be waiting in the study as he arrived a couple of minutes ago." All traces of sadness gone and replaced with determination again. She is not going to be easy to live with, if she doesn't kill herself with exhaustion first. Sleep is becoming less and less of a priority to her and her time is filled with reading through business books and magazines when she's not reading though pages and pages of spreadsheets trying to understand what it contains.

We walk into the study and go to sit at the meeting table with Bastille. My eyes don't miss the look of longing in her eyes as she looks at Christian's chair behind his desk. I start with the list of training before moving over to the rest of her schedule.

"Bastille will start by giving you the types of physical training. Then I will give you the details of the weapons and offensive training you will be doing. When we're done, we can determine your schedule, but remember that you need to be at GEH on Mondays and Wednesdays and then at SIP on Tuesdays and Thursdays, even if it's not full day. That excludes any meetings you will need to attend. On Friday mornings we both think you should go for a massage early in the morning before your weekend begins, maybe go to a spa or something that Andrea can arrange for you." When she goes to say something, I cut her off, "we are well aware that you won't be partying and having fun filled weekends, but you still need to relax and wind down at least once a week."

"Okay, please get Andrea to make arrangements then for Friday mornings… so Claude, what's up?"

"Ana, you have to take this slow. I know the current… situation is not easy, but pushing yourself too hard will not be wise and as a registered personal trainer, I cannot allow you to try and push yourself beyond your limits or physical capabilities. Not to mention my own physical need to breathe and when Christian is found and he finds out what you've been up to, and let's face it, he will get every single detail, I would like to keep being able to breathe." Bastille may make a joke about it, but every move any one of us makes that involves Ana, is followed by the same question, 'Will Mr. Grey be pissed when he finds out about this?'.

"I'll handle Christian, you just manage my training." Ana says quickly and waves a dismissive hand. We don't doubt that she will do just that, so we continue.

"The first from of training for you twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays at six pm, will be Krav Maga. The first principle of Krav Maga is to encourage students to avoid confrontation, but if that's not a possibility, it promotes finishing a fight as quickly as possible. Attacks are aimed at the most vulnerable parts of the body and the trainer we appointed for you, will teach you techniques that are limited to avoid severe injury to your own body, while taking down your opponent quickly and efficiently. We want you to win in case of a fight, not kill your attacker or opponent. Drills provide maximum safety to students by the use of protective equipment and the use of reasonable force. You will learn to defend yourself against a variety of attacks and will be taught to counter in the quickest and most efficient way.

"The idea of Krav Maga is to counter attack as soon as possible or attacking pre-emptively. To target attacks to the body's most vulnerable points such as the eyes, neck, throat, groin, ribs and knees for instance. To neutralize your opponent as quickly as possible and most importantly, to maintain awareness of your surroundings while dealing with the threat in order to look for escape routes, further attackers or objects that could be used to defend or help attack.

"Training can also cover situational awareness to develop an understanding of one's surroundings and identifying potential threats before an attack occurs. The main aim however, is still to avoid violence whenever possible. Attack as the last form of defence." Bastille finally stops and Ana looks impressed and even a bit scared, "I know this is a lot of information right now, but your trainer will explain everything to you as your training evolves. At two sessions a week of an hour each, you should be able to complete the program within a couple of months, depending on your grasp of the moves and how well you execute them." He finishes and waits a couple of seconds for that to sink in. When Ana nods, he continues with the training that he will give her himself.

"Now, since we don't know what waits for you guys at the end of the tunnel, we will need to work on your endurance. I'm aware that you have not been fond of exercise in the past, so I'm not sure what your endurance profile is, but we will start with the basics as well. Endurance allows you to work out at a certain intensity or for an extended amount of time. Running for long periods can train slow-twitch muscles to fuel workouts more efficiently and to fight fatigue more effectively. A continuous practice of long-distance running can also help convert fast-twitch muscles to slow-twitch muscles, which will enhance endurance.

"Now I know how erratic your current sleeping pattern is… and don't look like that at Taylor, as your trainer I need to be aware of not only your sleeping pattern, but also your eating pattern and we will get to that shortly." I can't help but scoff as I remember the numerous times Christian and Ana fought over the very topic. "Anyway, the golden role of John Mandrola is that you go hard on hard days and easy on easy days. Never string hard days together without adequate rest. You need to get at a bare minimum a solid six hours of sleep. No exceptions. If you don't sleep or show up to training tired, we won't train." He looks at her sternly and she sighs knowing better than to argue.

"Fine, six hours minimum."

"Six is minimum, Ana. I would suggest closer to eight." Bastille won't give in on this.

"Seven." Ana counters and twines her fingers together on the table.

"Fine. As to your eating habits, or rather the lack thereof, that needs to change. For your body weight, I would suggest at least forty grams of carbs every hour since the body uses glycogen for fuel. A mix of carbs and protein can enhance endurance performance and reduce muscle damage and that's what you want. You will have to find the right combination of carbohydrates, fat and protein that's the right combination for you and in order to get that, Taylor will make an appointment for you with a nutritionist as soon as your training schedule is set up. The nutritionist will need a full grasp of your physical training to calculate the correct combination.

"When it comes to endurance training however, variation is important and resistance training is needed to strengthen your bones, ligaments, tendons and muscles. We will mix up aerobic exercises with kettlebells, dumbbell and bodyweight exercises that will also improve stamina. This will be done by me for the next couple of months on Tuesdays at six pm and on Saturdays at eight am. On Wednesday and Friday evenings, you are not to do any heavy exercise and should you feel like it, maybe use the treadmill in the gym downstairs. On Sundays, you are not allowed to do exercise at all."

"So no running then. That's good, I hate running." Ana says and quickly stops talking when Bastille starts laughing.

"Not quite. Taylor will take you running every morning. You will start out slow and steady and increase millage as your fitness level increase. The key here is to drink tons of water. No teas and juice during the day. Apart from your favourite tea in the morning and camomile tea before bed, please try and stick to water during the day. Also, running is only allowed for you on Mondays through to Fridays. Not longer than forty minutes for the first four weeks and then it can be increased based on Taylor's professional opinion."

"Wow, that's a lot. Training with yourself, Taylor, and a trainer for the Krav Maga lessons. Will that be all and when do we start?"

"Ana, that is only your physical training. You will also needs weapons training and you will get that every Saturday from twelve until two pm. The instructor I appointed normally only do classes in groups, but I… persuaded him to make an exception for you. Your training with him will start this Saturday and continue every second Saturday until he feels comfortable with your shooting capabilities."

"Christian hates guns," she says absentmindedly while running her fingers in circles on the table's surface.

"Ana, extreme circumstances calls for extreme measures. We don't know what or who we are facing yet. There is no way in hell I'm taking you on an extraction mission if you are not able to defend yourself and also our team members. Kidnap situations can get out of hand and you will need to be ready to pull the trigger if needed. When you have to choose between the live of your kidnapper or the live of the man you love, I need you to have the tools to go through with your choice and also be able to do it properly. Of all the training, this is the most important." I explain but I'm fully aware that Christian Grey will not agree with this. Fuck, he will kill me for taking her with me in the first place, so I might as well make sure she can protect herself when the situation calls for it. I'll just face the wrath of Christian when he is standing in front of me.

"Okay, so tell me more about it then. I know how to shoot, Ray insisted and taught me well, but I get the feeling that whatever he taught me is not what you want me to learn, but if it makes you feel any better, Ray says I'm a natural." She says shyly and this is the first time since I met her that she says something nice about herself and that pleases me for some reason.

"We have chosen Saturdays to do the firearm training. This Saturday you will start with a four hour course from 10am to 2pm. It's the Women's Basic Handgun course. It's a beginner program designed specifically to empower women who have had little or no exposure to firearms. It will start in a classroom with a general discussion on the familiarization of firearms, safety and the fundamentals of marksmanship. You will gradually move to a level where you are able to safely and confidently handle and fire a handgun. Some topics of this course are weapon presentation, safe handling, loading and reloading, malfunction drills and live fire exercises." For the first time Ana is starting to look nervous and I put my hand on hers to calm her.

"Ana, you are not alone and Sawyer and I will be with you at all times. If it's too much right now, you need to tell us. The problem is that we don't know how long it will be before we find Christian and that don't give us the luxury of time. Besides, once the first course is done and we get you registered, I think it will be good for you to release some nervous energy at the shooting range. We can even have some cut outs made for you to shoot at." I try to joke and sigh in relieve when she starts to giggle.

"So, the next course will be in two weeks as we don't want to overwhelm you. The Saturdays in between we can go to the range for practice if you want, but courses are not recommended to close to each other. The next course will be a one day course of eight hours. The basic idea of this course is that 'speed is good… but accuracy is final'. That's what they focus on… accuracy and of course safety. It will also include fundamentals, drawing and re-holstering techniques, immediate action drills, multiple threat engagement and assembly and disassembly."

I run her through eight more courses, each more advanced than the other, before she grabs her iPad to plan her schedule. In total, her training will be three months. Even if we find Christian sooner, and I'm beginning to lose hope of a speedy rescue, it will be good for her to get this training. Being involved with Christian long term will make her a target and she needs to know how to protect herself in a dangerous situation.

Her schedule starts from Monday and she will take the rest of today and tomorrow to prepare herself mentally. Even though she is nervous, she also seems excited to have something to do other than crying and waiting. With the schedule she just did for herself, she will have no time to sit and do nothing. She forwards her schedule onto Andrea and leaves the study. Bastille looks at me, clearly concerned for Ana's state of mind.

"Taylor, look after her. She needs to start eating properly and getting sufficient rest is an absolute must. If you need to, pull the Christian card. That being said, do you think you will find him? If he's out there somewhere?" he asks and I run my hands over my face.

"I will find him and I'm certain he did not die in that crash. Fuck Claude, a body can't just disappear into thin air and it makes me fucking sick that everyone gave up on him so quickly. Can you imagine someone like Christian, being kept against his will, no control over his own life and most of all, away from Anastasia? It must be fucking hell for him and I just hope that when we do find him, that there is no permanent damage."

"And you are sure it will be okay for Ana to tag along? If something happens to her during the rescue mission, you are a dead man, you do know that?"

"What the fuck am I supposed to do, lock her up? We just have to make sure that Ana is ready when the word comes. I will do my part, you do yours. I will not let something happen to Ana, she will be safe. I'm more worried about his reaction when we do find him and he sees Ana there. Whether she is in danger or not, Christian will not be pleased. But he is not here and for now Ana is my boss and I will do what she asks as long as there is not a threat to her safety."

After a brief conversation about golf, cars and the new woman in Bastille's life, I kick him out and go to my office to phone Gail. The day has just been too fucking long and I need to hear her voice.

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><p><strong>AN: I know it was a bit boring, but I thought it best to cover the training schedule in one chapter to get it out of the way. Please review if you have a minute.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Thank you for reading this story and I'll try to update more often. **

**Sorry for taking so long to update.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Elena POV:<strong>

19 August 2011:

I'm sitting here with a crying Grace in my arms. I try to give her at least some comfort over the loss of her son, but all I can think about is the gold digging bitch that is now my business partner. What the fuck that man was thinking is beyond me? For an exceptional business man like himself, that surely was a stupid move.

"Grace, how is Ana doing with Christian's death?" I ask and she sits up wiping tears away from her eyes.

"Not good, Elena. We haven't seen her since the memorial. Kate found out last night that they went away for over two weeks after the memorial. Apparently she took the security team to go and search the crash site herself. They didn't find much from what Kate told us, but I'm not sure why she did it. She is not dealing with her grief and after I had to sedate her three times before the memorial, I'm really worried about her," she says as she gets up to get her phone, giving me time to pull myself together.

What the hell is that bitch up to? If she went to inspect the crash site herself with her new security team, she obviously doesn't think that Christian is really dead or hoping to find closer. Gah… who am I kidding? She is trying to make sure he is dead so that she can start spending his money. I will have to be extra careful in order to not lead her directly to him before he has come to his damn senses. Dealing with her grief… oh please! What grief? She got billions with his supposed death. What the hell does she have to grieve about? Grace cannot see what is right in front of her. She had to sedate the little tramp three times before the memorial and then miraculously, not once since then… when the will was read. She was obviously worried about being kicked out onto the street… where she belongs.

"Grace? Is everything okay?" I ask, perfectly faking concern. I should've been an actress.

"That was Taylor. He asked if I'm able to come over. Ana has not left the bedroom yet and it seems that with everything that she does daily, he is worried. Since he is not one to overreact, I will have to apologize and leave to see what is going on there. Please excuse me," she says, cutting our lunch short before we even had lunch. She runs to her office and I stare at the photos in the foyer of Christian with his siblings, before Anastasia came into his life.

That bitch is starting to irritate the crap out of me. I should have told Jack to just kidnap her instead and take her somewhere where no one will ever find her. He seems to have a soft spot for her too. Everyone seems to like her, but not me. I can see the real her. She is nothing more than a gold digging bitch that Christian became obsessed with. If I didn't know for a fact that I'm excellent in bed, I would think she is the best piece of ass he ever got, but I know that's not true. Why can't he see it? We were great together for years and we can be great together again.

"Elena, you're still here?" she asks surprised and I try not to sound as pissed as I am. She hasn't even said goodbye yet for fuck sakes.

"I was looking at the pictures of your children, they look so happy in these pictures," I point to one taken at a function the week before Ana interviewed Christian.

"Mia and Elliot, yes. Christian only came alive and seemed happy after he met Ana. It's a shame he didn't get to spend more time with her in his life," she glances at her watch and practically shoves me out the damn door, "You will have to excuse me, Elena, but I have to get going." Medical bag in hand, she drives off while I'm still standing at her front door. This is the first time I've ever seen Grace being rude and it's all because of _her._

But I will have the last laugh. It's been a month since I gave Christian his ticket to get out of that basement and I'm positive that Jack will call one of these days to tell me he has come to his senses. Once he has fucked me, Ana will never let him touch her again, so I might as well let him go afterwards. Even if he is heartbroken, which I doubt, I will be more than happy to smooth his ego and lick his wounds… amongst other things.

Driving away, I only felt bad for deceiving Grace for about a minute. She will be thanking me when I manage to get Christian back to his normal self. All the tears she is shedding now, thinking that her son is dead, will be worth it.

**Christian POV:**

I'm going to fucking kill her and her lap dog upstairs. Elena Lincoln is going to regret the day she crossed me. She could have just fucked out of my life, but instead, she fucked it up.

Locked in a basement like a fucking dog, they are forcing me to live without Ana.

I know Ana loves me with everything she's got, but how long can someone as beautiful and special as Ana be alone before someone else sweeps her off her feet? It's only been approximately four weeks, give or take a day or two, since Elena showed me the photos of the memorial and that was a month after I was taken, making it about two fucking months already.

How long do they intend to keep me here? Fucking Elena to get out of here immediately is just not an option. I would rather die here, for real this time, than to touch her with anything other than my hands tightly wrapped around her neck. I almost smile at the vision of chocking Elena and watching life leave her body, but then I think about Ana again.

What did she decide to do with GEH and SIP? What happened with the deal I was busy with in Taiwan? And the house, did she buy the house that was meant to be our home after we got married? Did she get rid of the playroom that I wanted to be our play room, somewhere we can be together when we play? Is she living at Escala where Taylor can assure her safety? What is she doing everyday and how is she spending her nights?

Before I can stop myself, I feel the tears running over my cheeks and onto the pillow that I'm clutching in my arms on this uncomfortable bed. My leg still hurts and Jack is refusing medical treatment on the rare occasions that I'm awake to see him. I'm frustrated, irritated and depressed. I'm spending most of my time thinking about Ana and what it will be like to have her in my arms again. I miss her so fucking much that it is physically painful. I just want to go home and marry the girl of my dreams. Naturally, I'm using some of my time to fantasize about ways to kill Elena slowly and Jack painfully. It's better to be prepared for when I eventually do get out of here.

"Wait for me, baby. Please, please wait for me. I love you," I say to her photo before going back to sleep. I try to sleep as much as possible in order to make the time go by faster. At times I'm lucky and I get to dream about her.

**Grace POV:**

I get to Escala and when I go into the bedroom, I stop. Ana is sitting on the bed, clutching a big bear in one hand and her phone in the other. She seems to be talking to someone, so I stop to let her finish.

"Christian… I miss you, baby… I miss you so damn much… I don't know how to not miss you. I don't know how to wake up… and not think about you not being next to me. I don't know how to walk past your closet… and not open it to catch your scent. Most of all… I don't know how to fall sleep without crying. I love you… I miss you…" she says between sobs, but then starts to cry so much that she ends the call.

I'm frozen at the door with tears streaming down my face. Tears for my son who lost his life before he really started to live it. And tears for the girl who would have been my daughter eventually, sitting on bed, crying over the loss of the love of her life. I walk over to the bed and get onto it next to her. She turns and before I could even say hello, she has thrown herself into my arms, sobbing as if she just found out Christian is dead. I can treat physical pain, but I have no remedy for a broken heart except for time. Somehow though, I don't think time would heal Ana's broken heart as it is more than broken… it's shattered and I'm afraid that it might never heal.

"Grace… I miss him so much… I want to be in his arms… I want him here, where he is safe and taken care of… I want to look into his eyes and see his smile… I want to see him… but all I have is his greeting on his phone… all I have is a one-sided conversation," she says between sobs again and then pulls away to look at me, "I hate that this is my life now. I hate that I have to live without him. I hate that everyone looks at me with pity in their eyes. I hate that I have to run two companies I know nothing about. I hate the media saying that I'm a gold digger that struck gold," she gets up and starts to pace in front of the bed. She is clearly suffering from depression with the severe mood changes, "I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask Christian to leave his estate to me." She stops and look at me with a look filled with misery, "What did I do, Grace? What could I possibly have done to deserve this much pain?"

"Ana, honey, I don't know why this happened to you. I don't know why Christian was taken away just as his life started and I don't know what God's plan is for your life, but I do know that you don't deserve it. You are a very special young lady and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have the love of your life next to you. I'm so sorry for your pain, honey." I say as I pat the bed next to me, "Why don't you sit down and let me give you something to relax? I will stay here with you until you get some rest." She nods and I open my bag on the bed next to me. After I gave her the medicine, I lie down on the bed next to her and she turns to face me.

"Will you tell me about him growing up?" she asks as she grabs hold of the pillow with both hands. I make a mental note to get John to come and see her at some point.

"I fell in love with him the moment I looked into his eyes. He was severely dehydrated and suffered from severe malnutrition, but his eyes were big and bright as he looked at me. I knew immediately that he would be my son and it was the same for Carrick. During the time that he didn't speak, my heart bled for him and for what he went through at such a young age. When Mia arrived, we thought he will be finally getting better and he did. When he started playing piano, that also helped, but Mia was just… well, Mia. She was the only one that he allowed to get near him. I was allowed to tug him in at night, but not to hug him. We got used to it though, even though I yearned to hug him and keep him safely in my arms.

At times, he would get distracted long enough to have fun with Elliot who was trying really hard to be a good big brother. Before he became a teenager, he used to watch movies with Elliot on Fridays until they fell asleep in their sleeping bags in front of the television in the living room. It was their way to go camping," I smile thinking back and then feel sad again. "Things changed when he became a bit older. He got into so many fights in school and we had no idea how to help him. He was sad and angry all the time and his mood swings were just terrible. Things started to turn around again after he turned fifteen. His grades improved and he stopped fighting, but he also seemed more distant. But I've never seen the happiness in his eyes that I've seen after he met you. You made him happy and whole. You saved him and gave him the life he was meant to have, even if it was only briefly. You completed him, just like he completed you and my heart bleeds for both of you." I'm crying again and when I look back at Ana, she is sleeping.

She is too young to experience this much pain. She should be starting her life after college, but from the looks of it, her life stopped the day Christian's life ended. I want to help her… to make it better for her… but I don't know how or if it's even possible.

I brush the hair away from her face and kiss her gently on the head before getting up to leave the room. I leave the door slightly ajar in order for Gail to hear if Ana wakes up. When I enter the kitchen, Gail is busy making lunch.

"Would you be staying for lunch, Dr. Grey?" she asks while taking ingredients out of the fridge.

"Unfortunately not, Gail, but thank you. My shift is almost starting and I should be going. I gave Ana something to help her relax and get some sleep, but please call me any time when you think I need to come over. We hardly get to see her and it's hard to see her like this." As I speak, I remember something Ana said. "Gail, Ana mentioned that she opens Christian's closet to smell his scent. Does that mean that all his things are the way it was the day he left? That she opens his closet when she missed him?" I ask and she smiles a sad smile.

"Everything that Mr. Grey owned is still exactly the way he left it, down to the stapler on his desk in his study. Ana don't just open the closet to smell his scent, Dr. Grey, she sometimes sit in there and cry until she falls asleep. She actually sleeps peacefully in there. It's her way of coping with him not being here, but she will be fine. We take really good care of her and Taylor ensures that she stays busy every day. She goes to work, exercise and learn about GEH and SIP." That makes me feel a bit better, but she can see that I'm not all that convinced, "Grace, she is fine. This is the first day since the memorial that things are this bad for her. She is busy everyday and even though she still cries herself to sleep, she is living her life and not sitting around the apartment like she did before the memorial. She is trying to do things that will make Christian proud of her and I know that if he were with us, that he would indeed be proud of her. She is a remarkable young lady." Damn, now I'm crying again.

"Thank you, Gail. I really needed to hear that. I know you look after her and I would like to thank you for that. Even though she never got to marry Christian, Carrick and I will always think of her as our daughter in law. We love her and just want to see her happy," I say to her, wiping the tears away again.

"Grace, it's still too soon to expect her to be happy. She will get there, just not soon. Those two loved each other more than their own lives and it will take a long time for Ana's heart to heal." She says and I glance at my watch again.

"Gail, I will have to run, but please, don't be afraid to call me if needed. Thank you again for taking care of Ana."

"It's my pleasure. Enjoy the rest of your day, Dr. Grey," she says and when I turn, Taylor is there to see me out. Christian trained him well.

Inside the elevator I keep the doors open to look at Taylor, "Thank you… for taking such good care of Ana and for calling me today. This was good for both of us." With a rare smile and a nod, the doors close and the elevator descends.

**Ana POV:**

I wake up and find myself alone in bed. I remember Grace was telling me about Christian and her soothing voice combined with the medication, made me very tired. But now I'm alone and I wish I was still sleeping. In my sleep I can be with Christian where I can hear him, see him and touch him. When I sleep, life is just perfect. The problem comes in when I wake up.

As always, the minute reality kicks in, I'm in tears. My body was not made for the severe emotions it feels on a daily basis. Rage, sorrow and solitude with a daily mixture of exhaustion. I think for today I will just stay in bed and feel. I miss Christian every single minute of every single day, but today seems to be the worst yet.

"I love you, Christian," I cry into my pillow before I fall back into a peaceful sleep where Christian is home… right where he belongs.

"Ana. Aaaaanaaa?" I hear Jose's voice, but I honestly just want to keep sleeping. He interrupted a sweet dream and best of all is the fact that I have no pain when I sleep.

"Go away, Jose," I say, but miss him when I try to hit his hand.

I decide to open my eyes and shoot up in bed like lightning. It's Christian. His face is perfect and his hair has its usually just fucked look. I remember this picture. It was the day Jose took photos of him for Kate's article. It's also the day he almost kissed me and then told me to stay away from him.

When my eyes meet Jose, he looks pleased, but also sad. Was he pleased that the picture cheered me up and then sad because it was the picture of Christian that did the trick? We did have conversation about our friendship last week and I wouldn't want to have one today of all days.

"Jose, this is very thoughtful of you. Thank you, I love it," I say as I lean forward to brush my fingers over his face, wishing that it was the real life Christian and not the life size Christian. I carefully place the photo on the chair beside the bed before I got back into bed.

We have an hour of light conversation, avoiding all things Christian as he is not Jose's favourite topic. Jose feels that I'm throwing my life away by mourning for Christian and I feel that he is an asshole for thinking I would be over Christian by now. When Jose finally leaves, I get my laptop to send an e-mail to Christian before getting back into bed and staring at his photo until I fall asleep again.

_**From: Anastasia Steele**_

_**To: Christian Grey**_

_**Date: 19 August 2011**_

_**Subject: One month…**_

_Hi Baby,_

_I cannot believe that it has been one month since the memorial. One month and I still don't know where you are. _

_Today is another bad day and I decided to stay in bed. I think I must have phoned your voicemail over a hundred times today. Even that short message that just say _"Grey, leave a message"_ is enough to bring me to tears. What I wouldn't give to actually hear your beautiful voice? To feel your touch on my skin. To really feel you._

_I _really_ miss you today baby…okay, I really miss you every day, but today is a particularly bad day. I am not sure why today is so much harder than other days, it just is. I must be almost dehydrated with the amount of tears I shed for the absence of you in my life._

_Your mom stopped by, I think Gail phoned her to be honest, but she gave me something to relax. She told me about you when you were younger and for a while, I actually felt better, getting to know you a bit more. When she left however, reality kicked in and I was miserable again, crying until I fell asleep._

_Jose brought me a present this afternoon to try and cheer me up, not that it did much good. He gave me a huge picture of you, one of the test shots he did at the hotel for Kate's article. It truly is a stunning photo. Currently it is positioned on a chair next to your side of the bed so I can look at you falling asleep. Talk about unhealthy... I know I should not do this to myself, but fuck, the ache in my chest won't go away either way so I figure, why not treat myself with your beautiful face until I go to sleep._

_I am starting to lose track of dates and days and I think Taylor is worried as he hovers around me constantly thus the reason why I decided to give me today…one short day…to feel sorry for myself, for you and for what we are losing. One day to dream about what if's, what could have and what should have been. I will wake up tomorrow and carry on, but today, just today, I want to lie in bed with CT in my arms and look at your beautiful face._

_I wonder if you miss me, if you love me enough to come back to me after we find you. I hope you still want to marry me because I will marry you in a heartbeat baby. I am so sorry that I did not give you a proper answer before they took you away from me. I just felt so confused with the thing with Leila, then your confession, then the incident with Jack. I remember thinking the day after the Jack incident that I would love to have a couple of boring days, but I meant boring days with you, not without you. _

_Christian, I don't care if we fight every single day for the rest of our lives, I don't care if you attach Sawyer to my wrist, I don't care about anything other than having you beside me. It is as if the light was taken out of my life and I am struggling to breath._

_I love you baby, with all my heart._

_Always and forever yours,_

_Ana_

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><p><strong>AN: I hope you liked Elena's POV, not too sure I'll be doing it again, but several asked for it so I thought I would at least try.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thank you for reading this story and I'll try to update more often. **

**Sorry for taking so long to update.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ana POV:<strong>

24 August 2011:

Holy cow! How the hell does anyone remember all this stuff? I'm not lazy when it comes to studying, but try as I might, I cannot get it. Financials are one of those things that you either get or you don't and even though I've heard that throughout college, I only get it now. I also get the fact that I'm part of the population that don't get it. It's only been a month, but still… how difficult can it be?

"Ana, you are not paying attention. I will go through it again. Take the copy you've got and make notes on it. I know it's a lot of information, but we have to start here. The income statements for the subsidiaries are a lot easier to understand than the consolidated GEH income statement. We will get to that after we close of September, but for now, we will work on the income statements of July and we will go through it again when August is finished." Ros explains as we sit at the meeting table in Christian's… uhm… my office.

Understandably, I'm struggling to focus as my mind is constantly drifting to the day of the interview. I can almost see him sitting on the chair while I was struggling to set up the recorder. The way his voice sounded… the way he was tapping his finger on his bottom lip… the look in his eyes.

"…net operating profit is above budget. Ana, should we rather do this in the boardroom? I need your full attention." Ros says and I don't mind that she sounds annoyed. I pull myself together and sit up straight with the pencil in my hand.

"I'm terribly sorry. You have my full attention. So… can we start from the top?" I ask with a sweet smile and she laughs. It's the second time she had to start from the top.

"Ana, what am I going to do with you?" It's a simple question that she must have picked up from Christian and even though I try my best to stop it, I can feel the tears escaping out of my eyes. "Oh no. Ana, are you okay?" Ros ask, her voice laced with concern.

"Christian… he used to say that to me. Sorry, it just took me by surprise, that's all. Please pay no attention to my moods. I try to control them, but sometimes, when taken by surprise, the tears just fall." I explain while trying to rid my face of the tears.

"You still miss him a lot," she puts her hand on top of mine and the compassion in her eyes are much better than the pity everyone else feels for me. That's why I like spending time with Ros, she makes me feel… better.

"More than I can put into words. I know everyone thinks that I punish myself for staying at Escala and working out of his office, but… I'm… I'm not ready, Ros. I just can't… say goodbye to him…I can't say goodbye as he is a part of me. I'm busy and that keeps me sane, but I still go to bed in his t-shirt and cry until I'm exhausted. Everywhere I go, people feel sorry for me and I hate it. I don't want pity from anyone. I just want them to leave me alone. I don't bother anyone… I don't talk about Christian with them… but still, they push me to go on with my life and forget him. I can't do that. I don't want to forget anything about him. I don't want to wake up and not miss him and I will not get rid of anything that belongs to him." I'm sobbing now and Ros tries to comfort me. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I didn't mean to dump all this on you." I tell her and she smiles.

"Ana, I will always be here for you. If you need to talk, I'm willing to listen. I don't judge you and I never will. You need to work this out for yourself and if surrounding you with all things Christian is your way of dealing with his death, then that's what you should do. I can understand that you are not willing to let go of him yet. Christian Grey was not someone that anyone would easily forget and the fact that he loved you, will make it even harder for you to get over him. Unfortunately, no matter what life has in store for you, Christian Grey will always be part of you and part of your life. This company is his legacy and he gave it to you. All you have to do is learn how to run it." Ros just give it to you like it is and not like you want it. If she intended to get me to focus, that sure as hell did the trick.

I go to the bathroom behind the desk and when I come back, all traces of sadness and tears are gone. I need to focus and learn and that is exactly what I will do. Two hours later, she asks me to tell her what I've learned by using the income statement of The mile high club. I know Christian is really proud of it and it is the perfect financial pack to get me to focus.

"The top section is the turnover, budget vs. actual. Below it is the cost of sales and this section here," I point to the list of items listed below the cost of sales, "is the expenses incurred during the month of July. The turnover less the cost of sales is the gross profit. The gross profit less the expenses is the net operating profit." I say, very proud that I got it all right.

"Very good, Ana. Tax still needs to be paid on the net operating profit, but overall this looks very good. Now, this section here," she points to the bottom where there is list of percentages, "is the ratios. The most important ones are the GP, Net operating profit and expense to turnover ratio. The first column is the actual and the second column is what was budgeted before the start of the current financial year. The next section is the year to date figures and after that, are the prior year's figures for the same month. At the end are the prior year figures, year to date, for the same period. We put everything on the same page to see how we performed against budget and also how we performed against prior year. It show growth in turnover as well as growth in expenses and it's important to keep the ratio the same. Expenses cannot increase with a bigger percentage than what the growth in turnover is as that will mean trouble in the future. The perfect ratio will be that for every one percent your turnover increase, you can increase your expenses with half of it. That way, you keep making money by keeping a tight control on expenses." I make notes and she explains it in such a way that even I can understand it.

After going through several income statements and me asking various questions, Andrea comes in to bring us some light snacks and tea. I look at the clock on the wall and can't believe that it's after three already. We started early this morning and my brain can't take any more.

"Ros, I will have to call it a day. I have some things to discuss with Andrea before I leave and I will see you again on Monday. Thank you for your time today. I really learned a lot and will try to remember it." I say as I take my tea and sit back to relax. Even my back is aching. I wonder how long it took Christian every month to go through all this and we are not even done yet.

"Don't worry, Ana. You will get there. In a couple of months you will glance at it and pick up any areas for concern immediately. For now, I will highlight the areas that need to be looked at in more detail and ask the relevant Managers to explain the overspent before meeting with you." She takes a sandwich and opens it to see what's inside. She smiles and I frown, but she quickly explains. "Its Christian's favourite. When he skipped lunch due to meetings, Andrea would arrange for this platter to be delivered. I guess it's a habit for her." I like to hear things like this, but it still makes me sad. If only we had any good leads. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up."

"Ros, please don't worry. I like to hear about him and don't mind to talk about him either. I certainly think about him constantly. It also makes me feel better to know that others remember the little things about him." I say and she relaxes again.

When we are done eating, she takes the files and gets up to leave. "I'll always be here for you, Ana."

After sitting with Andrea to go though my schedule for the rest of the week as well as next week, I call Taylor and Sawyer to come and see me with Welch and Barney. I need to find Christian and they are not giving me any hope at this stage. When they come in, we sit down at the meeting table. There are still some snacks left from earlier and Welch keeps glancing at it.

"Please help yourself to some of the snacks. It would be a shame to let it go to waste." The words are barely out before each of them has something in their mouth.

"This is so good. The deli that makes it is just so damn expensive that we don't order from there much. This happens to be Mr. Grey's favourite as well." Welch says grabbing one of the sandwiches with roast beef, mustard, caramelized onions and lettuce.

"So I've heard. And speaking of Mr. Grey, I would like to know where the hell he is. Do we have anything to go on?" I ask taking one of the bottles of water.

"Uhm… there were a couple of leads. The last company he took over was owned by Mr. Leonard Guillaume. With the amount of money he lost, not to mention the company his grandfather started, he certainly had a grudge against Mr. Grey. The problem was that he was struggling and there were rumours that they will start to retrench. Mr. Grey believed that the problems where due to mismanagement and over a hundred people should not lose their jobs because the CEO liked to live large. He took over the company and no one lost their jobs. The company is still making money and is slowly starting to recover. Mr. Guillaume was out of the country with his wife before the crash and only returned three weeks later. No suspected transactions on his financials. Apart from calls to his family during the time they were on vacation, no other calls were made to the States." He says and I get up to get my iPad from my desk.

"Okay, so we can take him from the list for now. What about Mr. Lincoln?" I ask.

"He was in Seattle. There was a withdrawal from his account of $500k. We are still unable to trace where it could have gone to. He has been having trouble at Lincoln Timber and that could explain the withdrawal, but apart from the money, nothing much. The phone calls he receives are mainly business related. No changes in his routine to report either." Welch can see that the information is not pleasing. "I will keep him on the list for a while longer."

"Thank you. What about Elena Lincoln? For someone who has lost a close friend and business partner, she does not look all that sad."

"Her financials did not show anything out of the ordinary. She does have the resources to pull this off, but I can't see how. Unless the person helping her has a huge grudge against Mr. Grey, there would have been a money trail. The problem with her is that she does not have a grudge against Mr. Grey. The only thing that might have bothered her was how close he got to you. Apart from his sister and Dr. Grey, she was the only female allowed in his life. It was also very clear what affect you had on him. She might have felt threatened by you. If she had Mr. Grey kidnapped, it changes things. She will not let anyone hurt him, that much is certain. To what lengths she will go to in order to ensure she remains in his life… well, that I'm not sure about."

"Keep her on the list. What about Jack Hyde?" I ask and everyone looks at each other. "Well? Is someone going to tell me what is going on?" The annoyance in my voice seems to shock Welch and Barney, but Taylor and Sawyer are getting used to my moods these days.

"We are still unable to track him down to a specific location, but he is somewhere in the state. There are various transactions on his bank account in several towns. Best guess is that he is travelling. He has some money saved up and might be taking a break before he starts looking for a new job." Taylor says while glaring at Welch. He is clearly not happy that it was up to him to give me the news.

"Travelling? Does his financials show that he can afford to be travelling after two months of losing his job?" I get a shake of the head from each of the men around the table, "Then, something's up and I want to know exactly what it is. Jack is not travelling and I want to know what he has been up to." Welch makes a note and then move on.

"There was also a reporter that was fired due to a complaint by Mr. Grey, but he checked out. He found a new job and it's actually better than the previous. All the employees that were dismissed in the six months prior to the accident checked out as well." Welch continues and then stops to look at Barney.

"We are busy looking into new suspects now that we were able to eliminate forty seven from the list. We might have another update for you on Monday next week." As much as I want to tell him that it's not good enough, I can't. They have been working very hard on this apart from their normal duties.

"Taylor, speak to Ros. Don't tell her that I think Christian is alive, but tell her that Charlie Tango was sabotaged and you are trying to look into who might be responsible since the authorities have ruled it an accident. She might know of someone we don't know about." He nods and I dismiss them to finish up here before I go home. Andrea gave me the staff files for all senior personnel to go through before the meeting next week Friday, which I was told by Ros I needed to attend.

"Ms. Steele, Mr. Grey is here to see you." I hear Andrea say over the intercom and feel that pain in my chest. Before I can respond, she corrects herself, "My apologies, Mr. Elliot Grey."

"It's okay, Andrea. You can send him in." I get up and meet Elliot at the door. He seems to have stopped by directly from a site and I try to give him a hug without ruing my clothes.

"Ana, it's great to see you, although strange to see you in here." He sits down and I take a seat next to him. I don't want to sit in Christian's chair with his brother in the room.

"Elliot, it's great to see you, too. What brings you by?"

"Are you serious?" he asks and when I don't respond, he gets up and start pacing while running his hand through his hair… so much like his brother. "We haven't seen you since the memorial. Kate got hold of you once when you informed her that you just returned from the crash site. Mom told me this morning that she had to go over last week to give you something to relax. Every media outlet is ripping you apart, even though some seemed to have warmed up to you, but I know that it has to bother you. I went to Escala first and saw the gigantic picture of Christian next to your bed, not to mention all his things that are still as he left it. Then I get here and you are working in Christian's office, which looks exactly like he left it too and it's… a bit creepy." He stops in front of me, "I'm worried about you, Ana. We all are. Kate is going out of her mind. Mom is not only crying over losing Christian, but she feels that we lost you too. Not physically, but in spirit." He says the last part while taking his seat again.

"Elliot, you can all relax. I'm fine. I have a full security team and Gail and they take good care of me. I'm sorry that I have not been around as much and will try to fix that, but a lot is going on right now and I really am very busy. I'm not making excuses though; I will make an effort to see you more often. We did visit the crash site to see if we can find any trace of Christian, but we came up empty. As for the media… I've decided not to read anything for the moment and Sam is trying to reduce damage as far as possible. She suggested we do something to improve my public image, but at the moment, I just don't care enough to make the effort. No matter what names they call me, I know the truth as does the people I care about. The picture was a gift from Jose to make me feel better and it does. I like having it next to my bed." I lean forward and take his hands in mine, "Elliot, I'm not ready to say goodbye to him… not yet. In all honesty, I might never be ready. I miss him and I know that I will never get over him. Having his things around makes me feel better… like he will be back after a trip or something. I will like to spend time with everyone, but not if they will push me to move on and forget Christian, I will avoid them. I can't do that."

"Ana, I don't want you to. I know Kate don't agree with me, but I like that you still feel like you do. Don't get me wrong, I hate that you're suffering, but I like to know that Christian was loved and is missed. He deserved it. He was always on his own, but he deserves to be missed and mourn over. That being said, you also deserve to live your life. Just promise me you will get to that point eventually and I will be fine." His concern for me is touching, as is the love for his brother.

"I will get there, Elliot… eventually. Now, how is Kate?" He sighs before his hand goes into his hair again.

"Good… well, as good as can be expected. You know what it's like to live with her when she's stressed and between the new job, a new relationship and worrying about you, she is driving me crazy most days, but I love her. One of these days, I will get down on my knee and make her mine, but I think it's still too soon." That will be great. Kate deserves to be happy after the numerous disastrous relationships in her past.

"I will phone her and tell her not to worry about me. I really am fine… most of the days."

"Okay, but just remember for the rest of the days, the days when you simply miss him and feel like crying, I have been told to be a good listener. I will be here for you Ana and I will look after you, just like he wanted me to." He glances at his watch and start to get up. "I need to get going since I need to stop for food first. Damn, that woman would be perfect if she could cook, but like Mia always say… perfect is overrated. Don't be a stranger, Ana. We love you and want to see you." He pulls me into a bear hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"I won't, I will see you soon."

By the time I finally get to bed, I'm exhausted. The hour on the treadmill was admittedly a bit much after such a hectic day. As if that was not enough, a twenty minute conversation with Kate really took a lot out of me. She don't understand why I'm not the same carefree girl she left in Seattle before going to Barbados and even though I explained this to her several times, she still don't understand. I wonder how she will cope if something were to happen to Elliot. I love Kate like she's my own sister, but at the moment we live in separate worlds. She's happy and in love and I'm lonely and depressed, not a good combination.

I grab my blackberry to send a quick e-mail to Christian.

_**From: Anastasia Steele**_

_**To: Christian Grey**_

_**Date: 24 August 2011**_

_**Subject: I love you!**_

… _and I miss you._

_Always and forever yours,_

_Ana_

I switch off the light after a last look at his picture and only a couple of tears.

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><p><strong>AN: Hope you liked it. **


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Thank you for reading this story and I'll try to update more often. **

**Sorry for taking so long to update.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ana POV:<strong>

29 August 2011.

"Come on, Ana. You are not focussing. I've told you before that you should never block an attack with your dominant hand. If you manage to stop the attack, you can't counter with your other hand. Use your left hand to block and then attack with your right hand." Claude instructs twenty minutes into the training session.

Taking into account my level of frustration that no new leads were found in the last couple of days, I should not be training at all. Not to mention that just as we think the suspect list is narrowed down sufficiently to start monitoring the movements of the suspects, the list grows with several more.

That was among the long list of things that just pissed me off today. When I asked Ros at lunch if my day could get any worse, I think the universe saw it as a challenge instead of a rhetorical question. I'm sure Christian did not get this much crap in a day, but then again, he would never have tolerated nearly as much as I do. Perhaps it's time that I put my foot down and ask myself 'What would Christian do?' After all, it is still his company.

Daydreaming got me nowhere and when Claude delivers the next blow, it lands hard on my left shoulder. I fall to the ground on my knees and clutch my shoulder with my right hand. _I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry._

"You have got to be kidding me! Where are you?" I hear Claude ask, but I'm too busy telling myself not to cry to respond. "I can't believe this; even through an injury you are distracted. You cannot come to training if you are not willing to leave your issues outside the door. If you get hurt, I'm a dead man when Christian comes back and I like to keep my status amongst the living." Claude says after he said something that I apparently did not hear and I'm definitely not going to ask him to repeat what he said as it could not be something that I would want to hear.

"Claude, I'm really sorry. I had a horrible day and my mind is all over the place." I try to get up, but Taylor holds me down and puts an ice pack on my shoulder. "Really, I'm fine. We can continue." I get up this time and Claude shakes his head.

"There is no way I'm letting you train with an injury _and_ a distracted mind. Go home and take a warm bath. I will go home and pray that there are no lasting effects and please know that I really am very sorry for punching that hard. I thought you would block it, but I seriously doubt that you even saw it." He gives me a shy smile, but Taylor looks pissed and keeps glaring at Claude.

"Guys, it's no big deal. It wouldn't have happened if I focused on the training instead of what a horrible day I had. I won't come to the gym distracted again." Claude goes to the shower and Taylor leads me to the elevator and then into the penthouse without saying a word and acting like I'm a child. If I thought I would be able to simply go to the bedroom and hide, I would have been wrong.

"Oh no. What happened?" Gail comes towards us with concern all over her face.

"I didn't pay attention to the training and took a blow to me shoulder, but I'm fine. Really." Sawyer glares Taylor like he was the one to deliver the blow. "I said I'm fine. It's nothing a warm bath won't fix." But to be completely honest, it is hurting like hell.

Sawyer comes closer and pulls the tank top out of the way and then whistles while walking back to sit on the bar stool.

"Bastille can thank his lucky stars that Mr. Grey is not here right now or he would be a dead man. That," he points to my shoulder with his coffee cup, "is going to leave one hell of a bruise. For the next week or so, it is long sleeves for you when you leave Escala." I glance down and my shoulder and shrug. Nothing can be done about that now.

"Gail, can we eat before I go to take a bath as I would like to go straight to bed after a long, relaxing bath."

**Taylor POV:**

31 August 2011.

It's Ana's birthday in two weeks and the necklace and earring set that Christian was looking at before will be the perfect gift for her from him. More than anything, I wish that I could give her Christian in person for her birthday, but with the limited leads that we've got so far, that is not going to happen. It's been two and a half months and I'm starting to lose hope, not that I would say that to Ana or even mention it out loud. If he is out there, we will find him.

We are at Grey House today and Ana is not in a good mood. I personally think that her shoulder is making her uncomfortable, but she will never admit to that. I asked Andrea to see if she can get some pain killers into her under the pretence of noticing her being in a bit of pain.

Sam and Ros asked to see Ana and myself in Christian's office, but they seem to be running a couple of minutes late and that is not helping to improve Ana's foul mood. When they finally come in, they look kind of hesitant to tell Ana whatever it is they need to discuss with us.

"We are terribly sorry for being late, but we were waiting for some final arrangements." Ros says as she sits down next to Ana at the meeting table and the uncomfortable Sam takes her seat next to me.

"Ana, we have waited as long as we could, but I think that it's time that we work on your public image." She is silenced when Ana raises her hand.

"I've told you before and I will repeat myself for the very last time regarding this matter. I don't care what they are saying about me and I will definitely to respond to it. I have better things to do than to try and impress the media in order to improve my image." Knowing what is being said, I tend to agree with Sam. Sooner or later, Ana will have to respond to the rumours out there and do something to improve her image.

"We understand that you don't care what is being said, Ana, but I'm sure the same can't be said for Dr. Grey or Mr. Grey. Not to mention your parents. The people that care about you, care what the media is saying about you and no one likes to hear that their friend or daughter is seen as a gold digger that might or might not be involved in the accident that killed her boyfriend." I glare at Ros for a second before I realise that she is giving it straight to Ana as usual. We all tiptoe around the issue, but Ros always go straight for the kill. "Now, I know you don't care about it because you know it is all lies, but the people that associate with your family and friends don't know you and therefore don't know what to believe. I would appreciate it if you would listen to the suggestions Sam has and the one's you don't like, we don't have to do."

"Fine, but I'm not addressing the media. I'm not defending myself against these lies."

"Firstly, I had a couple of meetings with the Marketing Exec of Marcus Nieman and they would be interested to assist in having a competition for young designers. The aim will be for these young people to design five new outfits for you. They will have to design outfits for a casual day, a work outfit, a cocktail dress, a formal dress and an outfit for the great outdoors. The winner will be selected by you and will win a cash prize of $100k, sponsored by GEH. It will be great marketing for Nieman's and they don't have to supply the prize money." I pretend to look out the window in order to hide my smile as Ana is not one for fancy clothes or attracting attention to herself, this involves both.

"Sam, I'm not sure about that. Is there nothing else we can do?" Ana asks and that's when Sam goes for the kill.

"Uhm… that was not all. The organisers of the Ms. Seattle Teen competition asked if you would be willing to be a judge. We think you should definitely consider doing that. You have been invited to several events, one by the mayor and two by charity organisations. It would be great if you could attend all three, but definitely not with a date as it will only give the media more to write about." She stops and I'm not sure if it is to take a breath or to wait for Ana to respond.

"Judge and events? Maybe we should just have the damn press conference. It should be far less painful than a fashion show, beauty competition and formal events." Ana says before lowering her head to rest on the table.

"Ana, a press conference might still be needed in a couple of weeks, especially if none of these work. I'm seeing you as the princess of Seattle, but we have to figure out how to get the public on your side. The media will change what they write if the public is behind you. We will also have to consider some public appearances at a couple of the events normally attended by Ros or myself, even if we attend with you."

"Fine, fine, fine. Just give the details to Andrea and Olivia to make arrangements and warn me in advance." She says without lifting her head.

"Trust me, Ana. I would not steer you wrong." Sam says while she walks to the door to leave.

"Yeah, yeah. I will try to enjoy being under the spotlight and thank you afterwards." When she finally lifts her head, there is at least a smile on her face.

"Excuse me ladies, I need to go get the details from Sam to ensure sufficient security for Ana." I excuse myself and walk out of Christian's office to find Sawyer and Welch waiting for me. "In the boardroom." I say and proceed to the boardroom where we can get some privacy.

"T, the number of threats we have been receiving against Ana has escalated. The threats against us we can manage, but it is concerning that there has not been a reduction by now. Most of from delusional women who thought she killed their chances of being with Mr. Grey, but there is one that stands out. We received one threat for the last three weeks." Sawyer begins as we enter, but we don't even bother to sit down.

"The_ exact _same threat?" That is a bit obsessive and very concerning.

"Yes. Down to the envelope and… contents. Weird, I know, but then again, why would any rational, sane person send threats to a complete stranger?" Welch confirms and I look back to Sawyer.

"Any leads? Do we know who is sending the threats?"

"Yes, the guy might have an obsession with Ana, but he is definitely not very smart, especially since he has a criminal record. It seems Mr. Crawford did three years for assault and was released in April earlier this year. Reynolds is busy looking at older threats we received to see if there were any other's sent by him before we pay him a visit in person." Yes, after the SPD totally fucked up the crash of Charlie Tango, I'm reluctant to trust them with anything.

"Keep me posted and do not tell Ana before it has been taken care off. She is stressed out already and I don't want to add to that. She is getting more and more distracted and I'm trying to get her to focus."

"Speaking of Ana being distracted, Bastille wants to know if she is fit to train tomorrow. The poor guy is all but chewing his nails and praying for us to not find Mr. Grey within the next two weeks. I actually felt bad for him earlier."

"Why would Ana not be fit to train?" Welch asks, clearly curious as to the last statement made by Sawyer.

"They were training on Monday and she got distracted. Bastille landed a hard blow to her left shoulder that is now badly bruised. She says it's nothing and that she's fine, but judging by the immediate bruise, it's got to hurt." I explain to Welch and after he takes a couple of seconds to think it over, he starts to nod slowly.

"Yes, yes… I can see why he is praying for divine intervention to ensure Mr. Grey stays away for just a couple of days more. Mr. Grey would kill anyone for just thinking of hurting Ana and he didn't just hurt her, he caused a bruise on her skin. Poor guy, I feel for him."

"Sawyer, tell Bastille that we will take Ana to the gym tomorrow for a run on the treadmill and maybe some light weights. I don't think Ana is fit for Krav Maga and since she refuses to see a doctor, I will ask her to take it slow until Monday. Get Ryan to assist Reynolds as I want confirmation of other threats sent by Mr. Crawford before midday tomorrow. I'm not comfortable with letting this go on for too long without ensuring that Mr. Crawford knows that we are aware of what he has been up to."

When we walk out of the boardroom, it is to find Mia and Kate waiting for Ana, who still seems to be busy with Ros. Sawyer stares at Mia for a bit longer than what is considered appropriate and I had to clear my throat to get him to pull himself together.

"Hello guys. Do you also need to see Ana? If you do, you will have to take a seat and get comfortable as we have not seen her since the memorial and we have a bone to pick with her." Even if I had something to discuss with her, I'm in no mood for female drama.

"No, we already saw her. If you will excuse us, we need to get back to the security office." I say quickly and a relieved Welch and dazed Sawyer follow me to the elevator.

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><p><strong>AN: Hope you liked it. **


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Okay, so here we go.**

**Like with Eight months, I had to read the entire story to write the new chapter. I hope you like it.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ana POV:<strong>

"Ladies, I really do appreciate your assistance with all this crap, but I'm really not comfortable with fashion shows and beauty pageants. Scrap those ideas. I will attend the functions with my security. Give the details to Andrea to RSVP and put it in my diary. I will prepare a statement to be read at a press conference, but I'm not prepared to answer any questions. Just the statement then I'm out of there." I'm exhausted and my shoulder is killing me. The lies in the media is not a priority for me right now, but Ros is right. I have to think about my family and friends too.

Sam don't look happy, but Ros seems to understand. The two leave to make arrangements and I take a seat behind Christian's desk. I stare at the long list of things to do immediately as well as sometime in the near future and lie down on my arms. The list is overwhelming. My shoulder is aching. My head is spinning and my heart is breaking a little bit more every day that Christian is still out there somewhere.

I hear the door open and then close. When I look up, Andrea is standing in front of the desk with a bottle of water and pain killers. I should be pissed at Taylor for getting her to do this, but I'm too grateful to be upset about him not listening to me. Why I'm this stubborn, I don't know. What I do know is that should I go to a doctor, there is no way that Taylor will allow me to train any time in the near future.

"Thank you, Andrea. Please tell Taylor I said thank you as well." I take the water and swallow the pain killers, but Andrea makes no move to leave.

"I'm sorry, Ana, but Ms. Grey and Ms. Kavanagh are here to see you. They don't have an appointment, but they are waiting outside and…" Deep breaths, Anastasia.

"It's fine. Please send them in." I get up and walk towards the door just as the two tornado's blast into Christian's office.

"Fuck, Ana. I swear it will be easier to see the President than to see you these days. What the hell is going on with you?" Kate starts, but Mia gives me a hug and a good attempt at a smile.

"Hello to you too, Kate. Why don't we take a seat?" I point to the seating area and we all sit down.

"How are you, Ana? Like in really." Mia asks, taking my hand in both of hers.

"I'm fine. Just busy, but fine." Christian was the only one, and now Taylor, that knows that _fine_ means not really _fine_ at all.

"That's just bullshit, Ana. You just took pain killers and I know this because Andrea walked in here with a bottle of water and pain killers. You lost weight…like a lot. Your eyes are tired and red and I'll bet that it looks like that all the time. It's been two months…" Kate argues and I would like nothing more than to throw her out of this office right now. "You've not been yourself since the day you met him and I know I didn't see the love you had for each other, but I would like my friend back. Oh, and you work in his office…that's creepy, Ana." Okay, time to put her in her place. She will not refer to Christian without using his name properly. About the rest of her inappropriate comments, I will discuss that with her in private. It's not a conversation we should be having in front of Christian's sister.

"Kate, it's Christian's office, not_ his_ office. And two months? Do you have any idea how short two months is? Two months is nothing to get over the person you loved. Nothing, Kate. And yes, I do look like shit, and that is because I'm heartbroken and lonely and I fucking miss Christian more than I could even try to explain. Do you know what loneliness is Kate?" I ask and she looks regretful, so I calm down a bit.

"I've been lonely before, Ana."

"Yes, you might have been alone for very brief periods of time. But the loneliness I'm referring to, is the kind that keeps on forever. The kind where you feel lonely even when you are surrounded with people. You can't be with people because they are not the person you want to be with. But you can't be without people because that's when you feel it the most. Even in your sleep you feel lonely."

"Ana, you can't live like this forever." Mia says softly.

"I know. I just don't know how to live without Christian yet."

"Then let us help you. Come to dinner at Bellevue on Sunday. Grace would love to see you outside of Escala." Kate look so hopeful that I don't have the heart to refuse, but not Sunday. Not family day without Christian.

"Can we make it Friday? I can't do Sunday dinner."

"Yes, Friday will be fine. We can have a barbeque and Dad can make us some of his cocktails. It will be fun." Mia says excitedly.

"Don't you have to check with your parents first?"

"Are you kidding? They will cancel dinner with the Mayor if they could spend some time with you." Then Mia gets that unbearable sad look. She hasn't spoken much to anyone after she came back from wherever she went to hide from the unescapable pain. "I miss Christian too. We all do. I know it's not the same thing, but you should know that we miss him too. He died a happy man, Ana. He died happy because he found love… he found you. I don't want to lose you too."

I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn't. I gave each of them a hug and then they left. Sitting in Christian's office, I can imagine our first meeting. The moment I looked up from where I fell and into the dark gray eyes that always saw too much, but not enough. He didn't see how good he was. He didn't see how much he was loved and cared for. He didn't see that I loved him enough to want forever with him. I have to believe that I will get the chance to show him.

After signing the papers for the house by the sound, I take them to Andrea and tell her to get it to legal and inform them that I want this done as soon as possible. I won't make any changes until Christian is back, but I want to get people in there to start cleaning up a bit. It's a shame that such a beautiful house is starting to look neglected. And Christian had so much hope in his eyes when he took me to it that night. Hope of a future together.

**Taylor POV:**

2 September 2011

Ana is busy working out by her own. She stubbornly refuses not to train until Monday. Since all of us refuse to do any training with her, she took two painkillers when she thought I wasn't watching, and went downstairs. She's been there for almost four hours, but since she's going to Bellevue for dinner, she should be back soon. Her passion and determination is a sight to see. I just hope her playful innocence is not gone for good.

_**From: Jayson Taylor**_

_**To: Christian Grey**_

_**Date: 2 September 2011**_

_**Subject: Ms Steele**_

_Sir,_

_I should not be telling you this, but Ana got hurt during the week. Her shoulder took a blow and she's refusing medical treatment. I know she's been taking the pain killers which Gail seems to have all over the house and that seems to help a bit. _

_Tonight she will be going to Bellevue for the first time and yes, I'm scared. I know everyone is excited to see Ana and she misses them too. But what will this do to her? Will this not be too much for her right now? She is just starting to…well, not get better, but to cope with your absence. _

_She still cries herself to sleep and she still cries before she gets up in the morning, but she doesn't cry as much during the day as she used to. I'm scared that we will never find you and that this will be her life forever. That will be a damn shame as she has such an amazing personality and we all miss that. We miss seeing her laugh. She doesn't do that anymore. Her lips smile when she tries to convince everyone that she is fine, but she never laughs. At times, when she's alone, I see her smiling, but that smile is meant for you since I'm sure that you are what she's thinking off when she smiles like that. _

_You're the only one that can bring Ana back, Sir. I hope we will find you before the Ana we all know and love is gone forever._

_Regards_

_Jason Taylor_

_Head of personal security, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc._

When we finally arrive at Bellevue, I take a deep breath and step out of the car. I take my time to button up my jacket and walking to her door. Time she needs to calm down. She's been all over the place in the last two hours. We even drove past the gate no less than five times before she finally gave permission for me to drive through it. I didn't think this would be good for her and now I know it.

When I open the door for her, she has tears in her eyes and I get in the car with her and close the door.

"Ana, you don't have to do this. Everyone will understand." I tell her and pull her into my arms.

"I've only been here twice. It feels weird that I'm here without Christian. I shouldn't be with his family without him." Since the memorial, that's what I thought, but it's the first time she's said it. She doesn't want to see them because they remind her of what is currently missing in her life and she feels that they are his family and therefore, she has no right to them. This girl has no idea the power she unknowingly have over everyone she comes in contact with. I also know her well enough by now to know that she's mostly avoiding them because she doesn't want to remind them of what they have lost. She's always thinking about others.

"They love you, Ana. True, they don't know you well enough, but they want to. They want to know how it was possible for you to change their son in such a short time. They also want you around because you remind them of Christian and a memory is better than nothing at all. You remind them that their son and brother died happier than he's been in his entire life. Give them that." I'll be her voice of reason, her confidant, friend, bodyguard and anything else that she needs. Not because she now pays me to, but because I want to be there for her. Really there for what she needs. No one else seems to have stepped up to the plate anyway. Idiots!

"I can do this." She checks her appearance in the rear view mirror and nods for me to get out.

**Ana POV: **

This does not feel right at all. I've been here twice before with Christian, but now I'm here and he's not. This is just not fair. I close my eyes and let my head fall back against the headrest and think of possible ways to get out of going to Bellevue.

"_Don't," he murmurs._

"_Don't what?"_

"_Overthink things, Anastasia." _

God, I miss hearing his voice. If we don't find him, will it forever be like this? Me, hearing his voice in everything I do? My new voice of reason? My own personal torture?

When Taylor gets out and fasten the button of his jacket, I hear his voice as if he is sitting next to me.

"_Are you ready for this?" he asked._

Unlike the last time when I nodded to his question, tears start to run down my cheeks and I shake my head.

"Christian, I can't do this. I can't go in there without you."

After an emotional talk with Taylor, we finally get out and Taylor follows me to the front door. Before either of us knocks, the door swings open and Mia throws herself at me. Somewhere in the back of my mind a familiar tune can be heard and something tells my mind to shut down, but Mia looks so happy to see me that I pull up my big girl panties and walk into the house with my arm around her tiny waist.

The minute the front door closes, the sound my mind didn't want to register, floats through the house, into my mind and all the way to my broken heart. There it grips it so tightly that I look back into the face of a worried Taylor, watching me like a hawk. He knows everything, so he must know the significance of the song…the first song Christian and I danced to. Frank Sinatra's Witchcraft is playing softly in the background. Mia is going on and on about… something, completely oblivious to my mental breakdown next to her.

"_Dance with me?" he murmured._

The song just started not too long ago. I try not to, but I hear the words somewhere in my drowning state. I close my eyes and imagine dancing with him, but it's too much.

_And I've got no defence for it, the heat is too intense for it_

_What good would common sense for it do?_

'_Cause it's witchcraft, wicked witchcraft_

_And although, I know, it's strictly taboo_

_When you arouse the need in me_

_My heart says yes indeed in me_

_Proceed with what your leading me to_

I need to get out. I can't breathe. When I start to hyperventilate, Taylor grabs my arm and pulls me towards him. _Get me out of here! _

"_There's no nicer witch than you," he murmured then kissed me sweetly._

"Ms. Grey, I just need a moment with Ms. Steele. It will only take five minutes. Please apologize to your family."

Without waiting for a response, Taylor drags me down the hall and into Carrick's study. He walks me to the chair and pushes me down into it. He leaves and comes back with a glass with amber liquid in. I grab it and gulp it down.

"The universe is trying to punish me and I don't know why?" I look up at Taylor and the damn tears are flowing again. "What could I have possibly done to deserve this, Taylor?" I've asked the question so many times in the last two and a half months, but I've yet to get a response.

"Ana, this won't last forever. In time..." He stopped promising to find Christian. I know he hasn't given up, but he stopped giving me false hope. Only in times when my mood is about as low as it can possibly go, does he tell me he will find Christian for me.

"I don't want to forget Christian. I don't want to forget him. I don't want to get over his absence. I want to remember every word he ever said to me. But this is so damn hard, Taylor. How do I face those people in there? I thought I was strong enough, but I think I'm very quickly reaching breaking point."

"Well, the good thing is that every time I've thought you've reached that point, you find something else to give you strength. This will be no exception. Take Christian with you in there and hold onto him, because it seems that he is your strength." Ironic actually, the person breaking me is the person giving me strength.

"My strength and my weakness. My peace and my torture. My tears and my happiness." I smile and put the glass down. "My Christian." With that smile, I walk out of the study and go in search of what I once thought would become my family.

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><p><strong>AN: Updating Saving Fifty Shades next. Please review.**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: **

**Yes, yes, I know…it's been forever. Hope you enjoy and thank you so much for the people still following my stories.**

_**Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.**_

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><p><strong>Ana POV:<strong>

I walk back into the great room and it's like a switch has been flipped. Everyone stops talking and turn to face me. All eyes are on me. Five pairs of sad eyes filled with understanding. Obviously Mia was not oblivious to my near breakdown and felt the need to share it with the rest of the family.

"I'm sorry," Okay, that just sounds pathetic.

"Oh dear, you have nothing to be sorry about." Grace walks over to me and when she smiles, I relax. "You just come with me to the kitchen and keep me company while I put the finishing touches on our dinner." Then she turns around to address the rest, "Elliot, please go help your father with the barbeque. Kate, Mia, you are welcome to join us."

In the kitchen I sit down on the barstool and watch in amazement at the assortment of food in front of me on the counter. Usually, a salad and baked potato as sides is considered sufficient for a barbeque, but obviously not for Grace. Oh no, there is Greek salad, potato salad, pumpkin fritters and if I'm not mistaken, freshly baked bread in the oven. When she takes it out and put in on the counter, I realize just how hungry I am.

"It's spinach and feta bread. Carrick's favourite. My mother baked it for him the first time when he came over to our house for dinner and ever since he insisted on having it at least twice a month." Grace explains as Kate and Mia joins us each with two cocktails in their hands.

"Dad thought we might like to enjoy one of his cocktails before dinner," Mia explains as she puts one down in front of me. With the limited amount of actual food I had for today, I should really say no. But what the hell, I really need it. "How are you doing Ana?"

"I'm fine." Is my immediate answer, getting one of Kate's raised eyebrows. "Kate, I'm fine. Really. I'm busy with so much that I really don't have much time to just sit and think and that is a good thing. I'm thinking of going to Ray's next weekend, but haven't made any arrangements yet…you know, for in case something comes up." I explain, why I don't know as I had no intention of going to Ray's until it just came out of my mouth.

"Maybe that is just what you need." She says into her glass and then looks at me. "You need to get out of that penthouse, Ana. You know I'm worried about you and some time and distance from…that penthouse…It could be good for you."

"You mean some time and distance from the things that remind me of Christian." And there's the pain again. I hear two gasps from Mia and Grace and kick myself mentally for having this conversation in front of them, but it's too late to back out now.

"Honestly, Ana? Yes. You need some time and distance to find yourself again. You've been mourning for longer than you actually knew him and I get it. I really do. You loved him. But honey, Ana is still in there somewhere. The carefree Ana with the infectious laugh. One that we haven't heard in…well, a really long time." It's the sadness in her voice that stops my anger dead in its tracks.

"Kate, I…" I what? I'm sorry? I'm trying?

"I miss our nights in front of the TV, eating ice cream and watching girly movies. I miss our talks over a glass of wine. I miss you. And the worst thing is that you're right here, but you're miles away." She takes her glass in her hand again. "Distance from Christian's penthouse would be good for you."

"I think Kate's right, Ana. I loved my son and miss him dearly. Every day is an effort to get out of bed knowing he is not a phone call away. But for you, living in the penthouse, working at GEH, having Taylor with you…that can't be easy. You are surrounded with everything that reminds you of him every second of the day. It has to be torture for you." Grace says, sitting next to me and drinking the cocktail very quickly to hide the tears that are so close. I did not come here for this.

"This feels like an intervention." I whisper, taking the last sip of my own cocktail.

"Nope, _this_ is an intervention." She puts a tray on the counter with four more cocktails. I didn't see her leave, but I'm sure grateful for the cocktail.

"So, Mia. I heard something about you and Ethan?" I ask to change the subject and also, I've been wondering about that ever since Kate mentioned something about the two of them.

"Oh, I don't know. One minute we're up, the next we're down. I like him, but I just wish we could have a more stable relationship like Kate and Elliot." At that, Kate laughs and choke's at the same time. I pat her back and she looks at Mia with a smile.

"Stable is over rated, Mia. And for the record, nothing about my relationship with your brother is stable. As easy going as he is most of the time, he can be a real ass some times. Unfortunately, the times when he is being an ass, is the times that my inner bitch comes out to play and _that_, is the perfect recipe for disaster." Yes, I can just imagine that explosion. "Just the other day I threw my drink in his face before I stormed out of the restaurant. In my defence, I did have PMS and I did warn him before we left the house."

"Oh Kate. In a restaurant?" Grace asks shocked.

"You bet I did. He was being an ass again."

"What did the poor man do to deserve that severe reaction, Kate?" It's not really severe for Kate, but she has been a lot calmer with Elliot.

"One of his ex-girlfriends…flings…one night stands…whatever, walked right up to us. Then, right there in front of me, she says hello and then continuous to flirt with him. _While I'm sitting right there_. I mean really? What kind of woman does that? And what kind of man allows that?" I can see that just thinking about it again is boiling her blood.

"Kate, Elliot is very handsome. You can't blame him for a woman flirting with him." I explain and that gets me one massive eye roll.

"Oh please. That is not why I threw the drink in his face. The drink was for him smiling at her flirting. And then looking at her very, very low cut dress." I try not to, but I smile anyway. She looks ready to go out on the patio just to throw her drink in his face again.

"How low cut was the dress?" Mia asks, obviously enjoying her brother being in the dog house.

"Low cut enough to leave very little for the imagination as she was definitely not wearing a bra. Damn hussy." She huffs and takes a large sip to empty her second cocktail. Lifting the glass to look at it. "What is in this cocktail? It's nice."

"Carrick refuses to tell Mia. Fears she will start to make it herself and become addicted." Grace says with a faint blush on her cheeks. With the buzz I'm on right now, I can totally see that drinking this too much will not be a good thing.

Elliot walks into the kitchen and stares at the eight empty glasses and four tipsy women. Casually leaning against the counter, he takes the empty glass from Kate.

"Katie, you should eat before you have another one of these. They're lethal on an empty stomach." He follows that up with brushing his fingers against her jaw. A sharp pain hits me so hard that I struggle to breathe. He's so much like Christian, which is probably why I've been avoiding him. So, instead of bursting out in tears, I opt for a change of topic.

"So Elliot, I hear you've allowed a hussy to flirt with you in front of Kate?" I ask with a smile and his smile drops.

"I did not _allow_ it, but come on Ana. I couldn't be rude. She came over to say hello and if Kate told you I looked at her cleavage, it was just because it was very, very obvious." He shoots Kate a look, "And I apologized…several times."

"Son, you can't allow ex-girlfriends to disrespect Kate. You are in a committed relationship and they need to know that when they approach you." Grace tells Elliot who I'm sure is wishing to be anywhere but here right now.

"She's not an ex-girlfriend." He defends, earning more disapproval.

"Thank you, but I prefer to think of them as ex-girlfriends." Grace says, getting up to take wine out of the fridge. When she holds it up, she gets three very loud "Yes please" from all three of us.

"Dad says we can get ready for dinner. Are we eating on the patio?" Elliot asks, his hands rubbing Kate's shoulders.

"Yes, the dining room is not nice for an informal dinner. Please be a dear and help the girls with the rest of the food." Grace grabs wine glasses and we all make our way to the patio. Kate and Elliot busy with a conversation that I'm sure is not for our ears if Kate eyes are anything to go by.

The rest of the diner is pleasant. Everyone is avoiding the big elephant in the room, which I'm very grateful for. Talking about the weather, politics, sports and anything and everything is nice. I would definitely do this again. I was expecting a night filled with sadness and not a night filled with light conversation.

After yet another glass of wine, Taylor walks onto the patio. Glancing at my watch, I can see the reason for his concern. It's almost midnight already and we have a busy day planned for tomorrow.

"Ms. Steele, I think it's time I get you home." He says and then smiles when I stand up, or try to stand up.

"Uhm…yes. I didn't realize it's this late already." When I put back on my shoes which I kicked off, I lose my balance and Taylor has to grab my shoulders to steady me. This of course causing us to start laughing at Taylor's shocked face. "Oh Taylor relax. I might have had a glass of wine too many." I defend, laughing loudly when he looks at the three empty bottles.

"Ana, I think it might, possibly be just a _liiiiiiittle_ bit more than just _one_ glass too many. But damn girl, this was sooooo much fun." Kate says, clearly also over her limit.

"Elliot and Kate, you're sleeping in Elliot's room. Ana, you are welcome to stay as well." Carrick looks towards Grace and then both at me expectantly.

"Thank you, but I should go home." The disappointment on their faces actually warms my heart. They really are like family to me. "I promise to visit again soon."

After kisses and a request from Carrick to meet me for lunch next week, I leave with Taylor staying close to me. I get into the car and immediately remove my shoes again. The one glass of wine might have been two or three because right now, after that bit of fresh air, I'm more than tipsy. Maybe it was the cocktails before dinner? Elliot did say it was lethal, so yes, it's not the wine, it's the lethal cocktails.

When I open my eyes, I'm on the bed and Taylor is talking with Gail at the bedroom door. I get up and immediately lie back on the pillow. Gail turns around and smiles.

"Did you have a nice evening, Ana?" She asks, walking over to the closet to get me a t-shirt out of Christian's drawers and pants out of mine.

"Yes. I didn't expect to enjoy it, but I really did." Grabbing onto my head to keep the room from spinning, I giggle and she stops on her way back to the bed. "Maybe I enjoyed it a bit too much."

"There's no such thing, Ana, especially since it made you laugh again. Haven't heard that in a long time." She says with a kiss to my head and then she's gone…and I'm alone…again.

The night didn't start so well, but in the end, I enjoyed the evening and yes, it might have been long overdue. I'm so wrapped up in my own misery that I forget that the Grey's lost a son and brother. Unlike me, who knows he's out there somewhere, they believe his gone for good. Thinking back to how I felt when I believed Christian was dead, I feel really sorry for them. But for now, I will get some sleep as tomorrow, training starts again.

"I miss you, Christian." I whisper into the night, regretting that I can't smell his scent in the bed anymore since Gail insisted that it was time for new bedding.

**Taylor POV:**

"What's up with Ana?" Welch asks as we stand and look at her second lesson of actually shooting a handgun. Why he felt the need to be here, I don't know? But he insisted to _tag along_.

"Nothing," I answer shortly and a bit harshly.

"Chill man. It' just that she is a bit grumpy." He defends and Sawyer walks over to us with that damn smile again.

"She has a hangover and for the record, it was and T's watch. That shit don't happen when I'm around." The idiot smiles again, like he has been all morning.

"She enjoyed herself and needed to just relax. I didn't think she would get drunk at the Grey's." I explain…again.

"Ana got drunk at Bellevue?" Welch asks, enjoying my discomfort. When Sawyer nods, he looks at me. "No one ever gets drunk at Bellevue. Drinking in excess is just not in their nature."

"Well they did and she had a nice evening. So shut the hell up. You're gossiping like girls." I say as I watch the instructor explaining to Ana something about how she holds the gun. She nods, correct her stance and hit the target just right of the centre.

"Damn, for only her second lesson, that is seriously impressive, especially for a girl." Welch says, finally paying attention to the lesson he chose to tag along for.

"She's motivated." Sawyer says with awe in his voice before he turns to me. "Who was there last night? I mean, apart from Mrs. and Mr. Grey." Oh for fuck sakes, I cannot believe he is still hung up on Mia Grey.

"Ethan Kavanagh was not there if that's what you want to know."

"Good. That dick don't deserve her and for the life of me, apart from his pretty face, I can't see what that girl sees in him." He continuous and Welch looks between the two of us before settling on Sawyer.

"You're shitting me_. Mia Grey?"_ he asks with raised brows. "You like Mia Grey?" he asks again when he gets no response.

"I think she's nice, far too nice for that idiot." Sawyer says and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

"Are you insane? For one, she's fucking exhausting. Like in _really_ exhausting. Her constant talking will drive any guy insane. I actually feel bad for Ethan. And secondly, Mr. Grey will skin you alive. Sure, he'll be grateful that you helped to save him and I'm sure he will thank you… right before he fucking kills you." Then he points to Ana in an attempt to drive his very good point across. "_That _girl, is Mr. Grey's one big weakness. She has him right where she wants him with barely a look. Mia Grey, is his second. You fuck with either, and you're history man. _His. To. Ry_."

"I'm not doing anything. I just think she's fun…and nice…and has a bubbly personality that you don't see too often anymore." Poor Sawyer defends again and I can't hide my grin.

"Better keep _"not doing anything"_ if you want to live after we find her brother." With a slap on his back I walk towards Ana, who is putting in her fourth clip.

"Is it time to leave already?" She asks me, securing the clip with her gloved palm.

"It's been two hours, Ana." I state, putting on the ear pieces as I know she won't leave until those last bullets go through her target.

As I watch her getting closer and closer to the centre of the target, I can't help to wonder whose face she imagines on it. With her current situation with Elena Lincoln, I won't be surprised if she is the target for the day. Glancing back at her face, it is filled with determination and yes, it makes my shoulders slump.

From the very first day of training, I kept hoping that she won't follow through and give up at some point. But that hope is disappearing quickly. With her shoulder now healed completely, there's just no stopping her. She will follow through and I can almost see myself trying to explain to a pissed off Christian Grey why I allowed her to join in the rescue mission. He might be grateful for the rescue, but Christian is not really known for his ability to listen to reason.

When she puts the gun down and remove her gloves, she looks at the target with pure hatred.

"Take that bitch," she snarls, confirming my suspicion that the blond bitch was indeed the target for the day.

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><p><strong>AN: I will try my best to update again soon. Please take a minute to review.**


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